The War of The Noses | Agincourt (Part 1)

0:00Welcome back to Finn vs History, joining me is Horatio Gould. Today we're talking about the Battle of Agincourt. Wow. This is a big one. This is one of my five pillars of Islam. Yes. For those who are only listening, I'd like to point out that my co-host, Mr. Gould, is completely erect. He's got a raging lob on. An austere, pious, God-fearing lob on, much like Henry V himself. The worst kind. An austere erection. Women stay alone, stay away. I'm erect for God. That's it. That's the sort of... I will be smothering this with a pillow. A God-fearing warrior king erection stay alone stay away i'm erect for god that's it that's the sort of i won't eat i will be smothering this with a pillow god-fearing warrior king now you know we're in the medieval

0:50period long-time listeners will know i'm uncomfortable here eight periods and the medieval ages so it's two for two yep it's lose lose um but i do hope you might come around to this because this is i think we both had different patriotic historical upbringings, both actually centred around Bernard Cornwall, which I found out. The man Bernard Cornwall. Cornwell. Cornwell. We've been calling him Cornwall, but it's Cornwell. Is it? Okay, right, right. He's always Cornwall to me, to be honest. Because I read his book on Agincourt from the perspective of a longbowman from Oxfordshire, and that sort of exploded my brain. I had a sort of ayahuasca trip when I was nine years old reading that. Whereas he's the man behind the Sharp series,

1:29which is kind of your... What did you call Sharp when we did a picture on it? I did say it was retard stuff, which I do regret. I do regret because I was really yucking your young. Is this not your king as well? Yeah? You call your king a retard stuff? Now, what is Bernard Cornwell's favourite meal? Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. Yeah, he's a fucking platriot. Of course he is. He's the biggest platriot of all time. He's mentioned this meal is surprisingly hard to find in the United States. Though his wife has learned how to roast potatoes properly. He's married to an American. Right, okay. He also enjoys black pudding because he's a fucking platriot. Is that a crime these days? Nowadays it is.

2:02Now, these days. You can't find roast beef anywhere in this country, right? Yeah. Look at him smoking a pipe. Why has he got dreadlocks there? What's, why is... Yeah, I don't, definitely don't think Cornwall should be having dreadlocks. I'm not sure, is he, was he an actor in something? Yeah, I must be. Why is Bernard Cornwall, I don't, I think this is the opposite of a white man with dreadlocks. Yeah. He's surely playing. I think that's just dirty hair. Now, yeah, so you're, this is your sharp. This is my sharp era. I think Agincourt, of all the sort of jingoistic, patriotic histories, I think this probably fires me up the most. And why do you think that is? Because it's so long ago. I think the truth is,

2:37so you look at like Dunkirk, probably the most consequential one, but it's a sad beach and it's a retreat. So that doesn't really fire me up. Yeah. Trafalgar, we were always gonna win that one it felt like it was sort of we would sort of we're bodying people at sea so much 9-11 at three miles an hour Trafalgar's up there yeah Waterloo is great but it's sort of Napoleon is the star of that story nonetheless really it's still it's told with regards to Napoleon whereas Agincourt the odds against you it's the greatest English told with regards to napoleon whereas ashen core the odds against you it's the greatest english victory of all time and i feel like i don't know it feels the purest to me that feels like it's it's the least cut with anything it's not a coalition

3:17it's not all this complexity even the military tactics aren't super like sophisticated and complicated it's there's a purity the French fuck it from the off. Yeah, sure. But what a fuck it it is. Yeah, no, no. The odds being stacked against England and coming out, that's sort of what fires me up. Well, this is the origin of the English underdog story. It's this battle. And I will say the battle itself does fire me up. However, the context of the battle, I am at sea. And so what i'm going to do this episode is i'm going to let you much like i do sometimes my wife sure i'm going to let you drive for a laugh okay and i will be sat here commenting when you get it wrong and i will when we get to part two i will be parking it for you okay okay i will be parking

3:58this yeah when we get to ashen court i will be parking the car yeah uh you will leave it at a right angle several yards away from the curb. But this whole history, it's kind of marbled with boy and girl history, right? So I had to call my sister, who's an expert on the War of the Roses. She didn't... What's that, Charlie? Is it me saying my sister? Lucia, right? Yeah. She's a nice lady. Say her name. Lucia. Lucia Gore, you make me sad. You make me crazy. But basically, because there's the kind of people black out because it goes from boy to girl history in such a jarring way this period. Yes, it does. Because you've got the War of the Rose, which is a lot of dynastic sort of real housewife stuff.

4:41Boring. Yeah. But then you have Agincourt, the English longbow, which no one seems to know about. I said to my wife, I said, we're have Agincourt the English longbow which no one seems to know about I said to my wife I said we're doing Agincourt she went what she's got a history degree yeah she got a first I'm so surprised people should everyone should know this I told my dad we were doing this and he went we were there and I went what and he went we've been there we walked the ground on a family I don't remember this on a family holiday we were near staying in France and on the way back he said let's stop and look at agincourt that's and we we walked the ground you didn't realize you walked the ground

5:09i didn't realize i was walking the ground now i remember so many grounds well my dad got so he was leaving the house he came back in but we've been there we walked the ground uh i remember we walked the d-day beaches i remember that viscerally because he made us put um heavy backpacks on and run up the beach yeah right he timed us but you didn't fire a long bro at Frenchman no no okay no I must have been younger no let's do the context to the hundred years war so basically oh he's put the key in wrong oh oh she's fucked it oh she's pulled out not checked the mirror this is fallout from 1066 right yeah so it's it's a it's a norman aristocracy who have come over to england right so it's sort of you could argue it's almost a

5:51civil war amongst the norman noble class really the idea of england and france don't only really come into being over the hundred years war because it doesn't really exist as a thing there's still loads of territorial claims from uh will Conqueror, the Normans, and that's why the Hundred Years' War sort of starts. English kings feel they have lands in France that they're owed. But it's also because William the Conqueror is a Norman duke, but he's English king. Yes. So he's still subservient to the French king, and so are his heirs. So this eventually comes to a head in, what year does it all kick off? Think about the mid 1300s. Right. And that's Edward III. He's the kind of big, kind of pre-Henry V,

6:35English warrior king who leads many great battles. Basically what you do to get honour and chivalry, which is a very important part of this period, you say, let's take a chunk out the French. Yes. That will fire me up. Fair enough. You get on a boat, you go to France, and then you do, what's it called? Chez Voucher, which is when you basically just sort of burn down a Frenchman's farm and you're walking around. You basically fuck up the French so that they distrust their leaders because it's a show of chivalry to show your leader cannot look after you. It's not even looking to take over the land necessarily. It's just a mess, mess some shit up. And all these great battles all have the same beats.

7:13So Cressy in 1346, one of the first great longbow battle, Edward the third goes over he sets fire to all these farms and stuff. He's just running riot and then a massive French force starts chasing after him. He's like, oh, fuck. And eventually he just holds his ground and then does the exact same thing that they do in Agincourt, basically, which is use longbowmen against the French mounted knights and fucks them up, basically. And then that happens again in the Battles of Patia, which is his son his son the black prince he was another well the black prince gets stopped a lot uh and searched yeah stops the search a lot so that is it's quite a tragic story on that front it's this background of like you get chivalry by

7:56going over to france fucking them up that's where you know you get kind of honor basically now chivalry obviously isn't really a thing anymore because women can vote. And that was the trade that we said. We said we won't hold the door open for you because now you're a fully fledged member of society. But do you know much about the chivalry? This is a kind of big part of, it's basically like a code of honour for mounted knights. It's when English, England was Japanese. Yes. It was codified autism. Yes, for sure. That's a good way of putting it there's actually a code of the chivalry can we get that the knight's cottage no eye contact look at trains when you're anxious yep uh fuck you mom draw octopus porn i think

8:37that's part of the english japanese duty to god protect the weak and defenseless it's all fucking give sucker to widows now Now, what does that mean? Yes. Give sucker. No. You spit on that thang? No, it's not giving cunning to widows, although that is quite chivalrous. That is a chivalrous thing to do. I only go down on widows. Is cunnilingus chivalrous? This is what a feminist looks like. To give sucker to widows means to provide vital help, comfort, and financial or emotional support to women who have lost their husbands. What does that mean well it could be emotional support could be going down on them if that you know right so is it chivalry is basically if women have no rights be nice to them that's sort of the rule yes right okay so yeah it's a sort of

9:21it's a sort of but now obviously women are doing better than boys in education so they should be chivalrous to us they should be yeah they should boys in education so they should be chivalrous to us they should be holding door opens for us they should be wanking us off as we go through doors we would love that that's the problem that's the difference if we got spanked on the way through it would be a real pep in my step go on Charlie and if you were chivalrous to a lady dwarf in a wheelchair is that kind of triple is that like of triple? Is that like, do you get more and more and more the more... But then while you're doing it, I guess is the point. If you're opening a door for a lady dwarf in a wheelchair

9:54and then you're like wanting a medal for that, do you know what I mean? This is where chivalry starts to become a bit... Transactional. Yeah, you know. What if she's a widow? Well, then you should get on your knees. Start sucking. Get on your knees and start giving sucker to that lady dwarf in a wheelchair. Get that family bucket around your face. Anyway, back to the dynastic rivalries of the 1300s. To respect the honour of women, which I guess doesn't really track with giving sucker to widows. I don't know. You can do it in an honourable way. They're not getting any sucker. Also to persevere to the end in any enterprise begun. That's just good kind of practice. So finish them off. Don't give up.

10:41Don't say my jaw hurts. That's not chivalrous. Pl no no no you've got to be like Italy in major tournaments don't get knocked out yeah and you'll end up in the final do you shout charge when you go in there in my head sometimes yeah charge well you do a big I do the I do the Henry V speech from Agincourt summon up the blood stiffen up the sinews once more onto the bridge dear friends I say cry God for Harry England and St George before I go down on a we few we merry few there's a lot of us there's a few of us actually there's a few guys in the wardrobe yeah it's a group I mean group cunnilingus you don't see because I imagine you don't see you know in in sort of group sex videos you'd see there'd be a lot

11:23of handheld aloft to our producer there'd be and correct me if I'm wrong there'd be a lot see there'd be a lot of... Handheld aloft to our producer. There'd be... And correct me if I'm wrong, there'd be a lot of... There'd be a lot of women around one knob, right? Absolutely, yeah. But you wouldn't see the same for a one fanny and lots of men kind of vying to get their face involved. Yeah. Would you say? I've never seen that. I don't think that's like a... That's not a trope. Whereas a big fantasy... Sit on their face. that. I don't think that's like a, that's not a trope. Whereas a big fantasy. Sit on their face. Yes. I imagine a big sexual trope for men, a big sexual fantasy is many women squabbling over your knob.

11:53Wouldn't you say? Oh, let me have a go. I want to go. Oh, fuck off. Sort of, yeah. The Macbeth witches. Yes. But instead of one eye, it is just your knob going into their mouths. Right? Yeah. But you don't have, that doesn't, there's no, it doesn't turn women on no men fighting their way to your minge gone is that the pleasure gap though is that what's the pleasure gap the orgasm gap i've heard about this yeah this is more chivalry stuff the orgasm gap as i understand it is another one of these gaps where it's like would you want to be paid the same or do you want to come along yeah we need can you make your mind up please all right but i don't know if they were coming back then to be fair no this is way before the female orgasm we should we should stress that if a woman came in this age

12:34she was burnt at the stake as a witch yeah because something's going on there yeah unholy this episode of finn versus history is brought to you by who else who surf shark else it's not just a vpn it is an all-in-one cyber security suite a suite you need if you're gooning like i am you need you need i am as well like we do like i am i be gooning do you be gooning yeah i need a cyber security suite to protect every screen that i'm watching right from the threats that are out there yeah every click every search someone's tracking you yes so it leaves you take exactly search you i mean this is what's great about search right now it's not just a vpn it's a web content blocker for browsing on shared devices because i don't know about you

13:23but i watch porn the same thing my't know about you but i watch porn the same thing my kids watch cartoons on yeah i watch porn the same thing your kids and it's a nightmare isn't it i don't know why we started doing that and you think we're earning enough now to get separate ipads but no it's too much admin though it's too much there's something add something i get off on it the idea that on the same thing my kids are watching pepper pig yeah i'm watching stepmom get stuck in washing machine getting stuck in a washing machine all right mama pig mama stepmom step pig gets stuck step mama pig gets stuck in a pigsty thank god God for Surfshark's family cybersecurity suite is all I'll say. Because the conversations

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14:53Every Mazda SUV offers you an elevated driving experience and refined performance. Discover it at Putnam Mazda. This kitchen is insane. New counters, new floors. Who did this? My house. Your house did your kitchen? Yep. I used a HomeTap home equity investment to get cash from the equity I already had with no monthly payments or impact on my mortgage rate. So your home paid for itself. That's genius. Huh. I guess I am a genius. All right. Easy there. HomeTap lets you turn your home equity into cash with no monthly payments it's your home tap into it see how much you could get at home tap.com when we did the war of the roses we did the family tree right which one of our fans printed off and gave to me at the book tour so this is what's confusing is it this is pre-war of the

15:42roses but this is what kicks it all off yes i'm going to try and explain the family tree as much as I can remember it. Oh, gosh. Edward III has four sons. That's always dangerous. Yeah. Too many sons. Having four boys. Too many boys. It's a sausage fest. We need some more girls in here. You don't want to walk into an empty bar and it's four blokes, do you? No. You need to change those ratios. Whenever a king has four sons civil war is inevitable right his first son was the black prince amen who was goaded who's getting stopped in search you have to overcome a lot of prejudice being his black ugly it's not his son 14th century well there's a lot yeah i mean there's a lot of people going there's no way you're his son he's like hey, hey man, what the fuck are you talking about? But he's like a...

16:25That's my daddy. He's like a war hero. He's like, he's set up to be this next great king after his dad, Edward III, who had one of the longest reigns of all time in England, was also goated as well. But he died a year before Edward III died. So the prince and the king are dead. So then the next line... Could it be a sickle cell? Yes. Yep. Quite big a sickle cell? Yes. Yep. Quite big in the black community. Yes. Funnily enough, the second son of Edward III was Lionel of Antwerp. That's a white man. And it's interesting that Lionel could have easily become king, but that would never have been... King Lionel. Yeah, of Antwerp. Yeah, Lionel. It just makes sense that he didn't end up being on the

17:05throne because we couldn't have had king lionel the first now john of gaunt i believe we call john of aids yes we did so that is the same john of gaunt okay i know where i am uh that's his third son and then there's another one but basically importantly is the kids of these sons john of corn gives birth to henry the fourth right right. And- AIDS baby. AIDS baby. Lionel of Antwerp, I believe, gives birth to Richard II. So they're cousins, are they? They're cousins. Richard II and Henry IV are cousins. Richard II succeeds. Now, Richard II is the son of the Black Prince. Amen. Richard II is the son of the Black Prince. You son of a Black Prince. So that's why he becomes king. Yes. Because he's the son, he's the grandson of the black prince you son of a black prince so that's why he becomes king yes because

17:47he's the son he's the grandson of the king yeah ever the third grandson yeah rich is the second sort of fucks his reign okay because he doesn't have an heir he's kind of sulky and pisses everyone off he's called richard and all kings called richard yes yes exactly he pisses all the nobles off uh including his brother who's a sort of ross kemp-esque figure adorable in a big yeah adorable ross kemp yes a sort of uh he's a bulldozer sorry charlie's just uh watched tv for the first time in a year and it's celebrity traders so a lot of his references the reason why you'll notice that charlie's references have moved on from maybe over the hedge or flushed away it's because he's watched another thing and that is

18:28this season of celebrity traders amazing ross camp is adorable he's absolutely to be honest talking to this season celebrity traders it'll be out of date but there's a photo of miranda looking like hitler oh yeah yeah i saw that yeah yeah terrific yeah and she's looking for greys with a fucking gold star on them i mean come on come on a bit of producer oversight please yeah rich the second takes henry the fourth's lands right lambs land yes yeah he takes that henry the fourth gets pissed off because henry the fourth's got some mates he's likable he's a laugh yeah he managed to rally the nobles and basically usurps richard the second that's how he becomes king. Yes. Roughly. Henry of Bolingbroke.

19:07Yeah. But he gets exiled. Was this after or before? Richard II exiles him because they fall out. Right. He comes back. He takes the throne. Yeah. And then his son is Henry V. Right. So Henry V is born into a very unstable kind of illegal kingship, basically. And that's an important context. He's born September 1386. Okay. Mary, his mother, is 10 and she marries Henry IV when he's 13. Oh, ooh. 13 and a 10-year-old. That's Gandhi stuff. Yes, that is. But is that still a woo if you're 13 I guess it's sort of 13 year olds have taken credit for you know in the way that like a sort of taking credit for what paedophilia no is it stolen valour from paedophiles I'd watch those videos paedophiles saying

20:01excuse me how many tours did you do bear in mind this morning because there was a two and a half minute clip of us talking about child porn for the blind I had to take a YouTube community guidelines quiz oh I think I got the notification yeah I had to take a quiz to um are you a pedo no it wasn't are you a pedo it was seven questions about their guidelines well like a Buzzfeed article are you a pedo what Disney princess are you what British pedo are you are you a bagel a donut or a pedo what disney princess are you what are you a bagel a donut or a pedophile no pedophile again fuck fuck i thought it was a bagel when will bagel come through um yeah i had to take a lesson on youtube's community guidelines and uh seven

20:37questions yeah um failed really no no i passed. Flying Colours? Six out of seven. Really? What did you fail on? I can't remember. It was like, this is a video where they're doing this and the title's this. It was like the genitals are blurred with bubbles or something. And I said, no. I said, that's not allowed. They said, yeah, it is allowed. Because you can pop bubbles. I said, well, it's allowed then. Yeah? Can two blokes talking about child... The more I say it the more they're going to strike me again yeah also we got I got community warning on Instagram for our clip they took it down yeah but I got it's a slap on the wrist the net's closing in which one which clip two goats calling Hitler and Napoleon

21:21the two goats then playing the video apparently apparently that's a crime Pele and Maradona doing keepy-uppies. The net is closing in, listeners. There's never been a better time to join the Patreon. Yeah. Thank God. Child porn and Hitler apologism is still allowed on one platform, and that platform is Patreon. Yeah. Anyway, we need to talk about Henry V, because he is the... He's the star of the story. He is, and he is so... Well, it's interesting. He's so mythologized because of Shakespeare. Yeah. How much of that's actually true is an open question. Yeah. But he's definitely... He's definitely a psycho. That's for sure. He's definitely... Until you'd say nowadays, he is the greatest warrior king England has ever had.

22:01Yeah. Obviously, we are living in the near future where Prince Charles, King Charles has joined Hamas to regain the Falklands. So that is the modern Henry V. He will be there at Port Stanley. That's Charles III's destiny. He will be there at Port Stanley going, we few, we happy few. And then he will take back Port Stanley from the Israeli invaders. We know that's going to happen because we're historians and we can predict the future. We're like that Chinese guy, predictive history. Oh, yes. We're going on. I'll tell you what my prediction is, is that King Charles will raise Hamas and he will take back Port Stanley from the Israelis. And then when we're proven right, then people would start listening.

22:41Exactly. Because of their knowledge of history, they can predict the future. They've done 200 episodes and they're now predicting the future with searing clarity yeah yeah the gavir meliban pact would be a mistake they will they will default on it the forklift is at risk yeah uh but okay so henry was born uh henry the fifth was born to henry the fourth but then his dad gets exiled by Richard II for 10 years to France I think and then Henry V gets taken hostage by Richard II but weirdly Richard II Richard's like taking boys hostage don't they yeah but then he likes him so he was taking him hostage as a punishment to Henry IV his dad but then he kind of gets on with him so he sort of raises him

23:23as a prince so for about 10 years Henry on with him so he sort of raises him as a prince so he for about 10 years henry v gets raised but as a sort of rich the second son henry v has so much training from a young age mainly in wales right dealing with what's this owen glendower yeah which is meant is the big welsh history right yeah now And that's about two bullet points in this story. On tour, people keep going, when are you going to do Welsh history? And I go, there is one. Yeah. Literally, it's a guy called Owen Glyndawr. What did he even achieve, Owen Glyndawr? Fuck all. Yeah. Literally, it was just target practice for Henry V. Yeah. And they go on about this guy, Owen Glyndwr, as he's called.

24:01What did he do? I don't actually know what he did. Wales' fattest baby. Thank you, Charlie. Beth Jenkins. Say her name. Born in Swansea. Nearly seven kilograms. That is huge. Shout out Theo Wellington, Port Talbot. That's still not much. Wait. Is it 14 pounds? Yes. That's still not much bigger than me. Big lass. He was the last actual Welshman to be Prince of Wales. Not just aot from Windsor basically yeah to claim the title right well we can all claim it exactly at this point Wales is is like Gaza to England's Israel and Henry V is I don't know is Netanyahu yes but interestingly the history of the English longbow sort of the modern longbow in england starts in wales because it's sort of like the ak-47 to the taliban because it's a cheap

24:53to make the welsh are doing that are they that's kind of where it comes from because a knight is really expensive to make you've got got to have all the armour, you've got to have all the nobles, chivalry, whereas you can just cut down a tree, make a bow, and you can cause havoc, basically. So it did sort of start in the Welsh kind of hills and mountains, basically. The sort of Tora Bora of Wales. Tora Bora? The Alun Wyn Jones Caida, basically. Yes, Alun Wyn Jones Caida. Yeah, so-Jones Caida basically yes Alan Alan Wynne-Jones Caida yeah yeah so the Welsh Al-Qaeda are pacified by Henry V yeah and he's he's loving it and from a young age you can see that this this kid's a fucking psycho yeah

25:35because the way he deals with Owen Glendale Owen Glendale for talking shit Henry V kills all his mates Osama Glendale yeah Osama Glendale and he's like is he like 16 years old and he's doing this so he's Battle of Shrewsbury is the big one yes he's fucking killing ants with fucking magnifying glass type stuff this is really like you can tell this kid's fucking locked in yeah and then the Battle of Shrewsbury who's that between is that between that's the Welsh isn't it or is it some rebels no that's a that would be between is it the percy's the percy's the percy's the percy's i don't know i mean this is where it gets a bit confusing it's the percy pigs it's this period of history noble's gonna be fighting yeah just

26:18accept that yeah that's gonna happen shrewsbury why it's interesting is the first time it's two longbow uh armies against each other right and Henry V this is actually the only one of two battles Henry V actually ever fights in Shrewsbury and Agincourt they're the only two well he does lots of sieges yes but no battles so hum actually he gets go on Charlie is this an age where you mentioned locking in is everybody because there's no kind of fun distractions other than like the hill. Yeah, no, I know where he's going. Is everyone basically permanently locked in? There's not much ADHD at this point. Yes. Is there any? It's hard to know what that would look like. No. You have other things to worry about.

27:03I guess you go from like you go from like chasing a pig to like throwing some mud against the wall yeah to like hitting a woman to to sort of putting some mud in your mouth maybe i mean yeah there's not that much stimuli god's but you everyone thinks god's always watching that everything's a sign of god's will also this life is just a brief moment where you need to get into heaven is there any dopamine at this point yeah i guess ale yeah i mean going to the ale house maybe um standing on the table when someone's playing the loot and doing a jig after some ale that's kind of like the big fighting in the pub having a having a party while people fight around you in the pub also it's that game where

27:42they the atherston ball derby, is that started? I think that might have started around. So they got this sort of stuff, which is still going on. This part of the Midlands, I did go to uni around here. It hasn't changed much since the 1400s. It's still very similar sort of area. You can see everyone's got their hair cut. Yeah. I mean, this is what Agincourt looks like. Yeah, but these are the people who fought in Agincourt. Yes, it is. Yeah. Because it was... Yeah. And this is what Englishgincourt looks like. Yeah, but these are the people who fought in Agincourt. Yes, it is, yeah. Because it was... Yeah, look. And this is what English people are meant to be doing. And that's why Agincourt is such a fun story

28:11because English people get to be English. Yes, you're right. And now there's the death of the high street, sure, because this is what the high street is. Yes, exactly. But fundamentally they have to do this because they can't fire arrows at the French and it's quite a sad story. 11.99 that board game started. Yeah, that's an old... Crazy. Yeah. Everyone there looks so English. This guy's saying it's the only thing we've got apart from on Christmas Day. I mean, look, English regional towns are bleak, aren't they? Yeah. And they just want to be let out into the street to rut. I mean, you're on tour at the moment, so you're now... You're dipping out the major cities now. I went to Ipswich, the showing in I i mean you're on tour at the moment so you're now you're dipping out the major cities now i went to ipswich the showing this was terrific

28:47ed sheeran's hometown did you bring that up i did not um i don't care but what i will say is that ipswich high street is is up there with some of the bleakest i mean it's you know i got there three hours early thank god i got to have a mooch i got to see the shoe zone shoe zones there shoe zone tk max um a waterstones with no one in it i went in to see my book i was the only person there yeah um they're not shifting any copies in there god no people going what the fuck's that can i eat it or fuck it no i don't want to go in there then greg's there was a greg's in the waterstones not in the water in the Waterstones because you know how like Waterstones sometimes has like a Costa attached to it

29:27like a coffee thing in Bristol there's a Asda with a McDonald's inside it which is like sort of Russian doll of scum that's the real elephant's foot of working class Bristolians anyway so at the Battle of Shrewsbury Henry is fighting as a prince with his dad he proves himself a great fighter but he also because there's two longbow armies against each other so it's fucking hell yeah he gets an arrow in the head the face yeah so it basically goes down down into his cheek six inches deep he miraculously survives but it's got a lodged four longbow arrow in his head and it takes like two weeks to get it out they have to like i mean this is when no one knows anything about medicine so then you kind of get the guy with the biggest beard in town well they get they get a criminal

30:17who uh is on trial for something but he's a metal worker and he basically devises this extraction thing where you get like a vice and then he he somehow pinches it and yeah because everyone's had a go it's sort of like um the sword and the stone everyone's had a go trying to pull this arrow out his face yeah and it won't budge so they get this old cripple yeah uh who puts stretch they stretch honey and wine that's like the big thing because i guess this is before you know it's very easy to take modern amenities for granted but this is before you know this is before any sort of moisturizing cream is it because at this point you sort of just chuck ingredients at your face you well this is clarkson's moisturizer isn't it exactly just honey beer yeah done next because you start a business

30:59in this economy honey beer have you seen that salt you've seen that clip of him at the conservative party conference absolutely i have Just sat like this, saying, who'd want to start a business here? Why, I'm open to pop. It won't be here, though. It's pretty awesome to see. Yeah. I mean, that's a man who doesn't care about who he comes across. I mean, that's... It's bold for a celeb to... There's not many celebs who would sit on a Conservative Party conference stage. That's quite a... Look at him there. Look at that. And also, when it cuts in, when you see a closer angle, some of the most insane dandruff I've ever seen on a man is in this exact video. It's kind of amazing. For him to be mouthing off,

31:36I mean, that is sort of his swag, though. It's his aura. He's younger than my dad. He's got that never-looked-in-a-mirror aura. No. Which is that there is a certain kind of masculinity of a man who's never once looked at his own reflection i think it's peak masculinity personally it's what i aspire to because looking in a mirror provides friction to your day yeah you know or sense of self sense but you know how apparently tom cruise when he's on film sets he's people sign agreements which says uh there'll be no small talk before this fight scene yeah so that he can just come in and do it and then go and there's no friction yeah he's so everything is so timed yeah uh and my tour manager told me that as if he's

32:16like Cruz sounds like a wanker I was like that sounds fucking amazing yeah you imagine not having to do small talk and someone was contractually obligated to just I don't think you're far off getting those I want that in you're far off getting those... I want that in place here. Yeah, you want to get in those sort of waivers being signed beforehand. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. How was your weekend? No. Yeah. No. Let's just do it. He's also got a portable gym which has a big sign outside the front that says only the motivated may enter. So this is the sort of stuff that's fun. I have that in my toilet. Yeah, I've got that in my toilet. Yeah. Also, sometimes you don't go in. Hey? Sometimes you wouldn't

32:49go into your toilet. I go, I'm not really feeling this so I just shit myself. I'm not. I'm really struggling to motivate myself today so I've shat my pants. Yeah. And that's made it harder to be motivated, to be honest. Yeah. So the details with this... Sometimes I'm really fired up but I don't need a pee. Yeah. Or a poo. Or a poo, thanks, Charlie. He's always picking up the slack that we leave on this podcast. Thank God he's there with that net. He built the first planet-wide media empire. He monetized the paranoia and resentment that led to Donald Trump and Brexit. He ruined his own family in his obsessive quest for money, power, and legacy. This is the story of Rupert Murdoch, the real-life succession.

33:27Join me, Dorian Linsky. And me, Ian Dunst, for season 10 of Origin Story, the show that uses the past to explain the present. That's Origin Story, kicking off with a two-part special on Rupert Murdoch on all podcast platforms now. We don't get to say this very often on Oh God, What Now? but Oh Happy Day. Donald Trump is finally, finally punished. And how, as the Republicans take an absolute pounding in the US midterms and voters take the revenge for the shame, greed and horror of Trump's second term. Republicans have now lost control of Congress and a swathe of Trump hangers-on and sycophants have been humiliated. What does it all mean? And what can we expect from an embittered Trump with two years in power and nothing left to lose? We're joined by US political scientist

34:14Julia Azari of Marquette University to make sense of it all. Plus, why Shabana Mahmood's watered-down plans on indefinite leave to remain are still a disgrace the sad slow exodus of all your favorites from the telegraph and should they rebuild hitler's holiday home all that and more on the latest edition of oh god what now making podcast great again twice weekly with me andrew harrison and the cream of political nitpickers get it now wherever you get your podcasts. Our researcher, Molly, is obsessed with disgusting medical stuff. What's becoming clear through all the research talks is our researchers have different interests and they start to seep into the story. Phoebe's trying to find Eiffel Towering

34:58in every episode. Phoebe's kind of deranged horniness is starting to really cloud the... It's a problem. We need to have a meeting about is uh starting to really cloud the problem you know we need to have a meeting about that actually yeah it's just you know she's she's constantly talking about people's genitals and stuff eiffel towers yeah exactly yeah what are we doing for the work night out this week exactly yeah someone please eiffel tower phoebe please yeah it's a place of work and but then molly is obsessed with uh sort of disgusting medical procedures so that's why there's a lot of details on this yeah the the kind of fucking stinky uh cripple that they found uh to get the arrow out his head said he forced an increasingly large pegs into the priest's cheek

35:36hole to stretch the muscles so he's his metal tool could fit christ nearly a week after the incident bradmore successfully extracted the arrowhead. God, he survived. Astonishingly, Henry survived. Now, there's one or two ways you can go if you get an arrow in the face. You can say, I don't want to fight again because I got an arrow in the face and that can traumatise you or if you're a psycho like Henry, now why you got Beethoven's brother's arrow? You could just firm it. Well. Wait, is that when you're getting the arrow out? Well, it's like the Finnish sniper who was shot in the face, who got permanent baits out of his brother. Now, Henry V, we only ever see portraits of him in profile because obviously the other half of him was like this.

36:15Well, you could argue that Henry V... Is Henry V a smug leader? We've dealt with a lot of smugness. I think maybe he might not... He might be anti, but... Is there a smugness I think maybe he might not he might be anti is there a smugness to Henry V the problem is if Henry V is Baton's brother it changes all the great speeches we marry a few we band of brothers if you die today then we're a brother yeah right mate I'm not your brother I'm the king mate cry God for England go on then go on then what's more under the bridge here we go again you guys first I'm not your brother I'm the king mate cry God for England Henry and St George go on then what's more under the bridge here we go again you guys first

36:48I'll catch you up yeah I'll die with you today yeah sure I actually think it's very important that he's not smug to be honest that's part of his aura it ruins the story because he actually I don't think he's a laugh Henry V no he's pretty serious yeah but he's serious about killing French people so I think that is quite that's fine that's fine yeah that's fine you you can come for a pint because what you're serious about is serious yes to be fair yeah yeah you shouldn't be that isn't a laugh so you should be taking a matter there's no you're not killing frenchman yeah you've got to stop joking around start start doing it yeah but basically because he survived that out of the face because he is a religious fundamentalist as they all are yeah he says well this is proven that god wants me to live

37:30god's chosen me to be so basically he now views uh everything he does as god's will basically a bit like george bush yeah he ala akbar's it basically from here on out and then with force whole reign has been just trying to hold on to power. His main asset is being a political survivor, much like Benjamin Netanyahu. He's that sort of... The great survivor. Say his name. Through many eras. You know, he's had a shaky reign. He's managed to hold on to a democratically elected leader in that area for a long time. And you think he's done, and he comes back. Vice-like grip. Yeah. But anyway, so Henry V... King the fifth uh when does he become king at some point 14 something 14 13 he doesn't reign for that long at all does he now but we should also we should

38:16compare and contrast king henry the fifth with his french counterpart the dauphin dauphin yeah who is one of my favourite elements of the story. The main thing about the Dauphin is that he's Henry V's polar opposite. Yes. If Henry V is a sort of psychopathic athlete who's warrior king, the Dauphin is a sort of mentally ill, fat, nocturnal party boy. I don't think he's mentally ill. His father is extraordinarily mentally ill. Insanely mentally ill. And the reason why England gets so many victories against France, even though France is, population-wise, maybe five times bigger, is because the guy who's driving is Harvey Price, basically. Yes. It's Harvey Price on a motorized toilet. That's France.

39:01Basically, a lot of these victories have come because England have looked across the channel and seen well this is brilliant yeah france is being ruled by harvey price yeah uh and so they take advantage of that he's truly lost his mind right i look i did some research as to why he was mentally ill yeah there was a ball in the 13 whatever the fucks where him and five nobles decided to dress up in masks with like feathers and stuff right this is the quickest thing to a quick dopamine hit you're getting at this point and then someone was trying to see look closer because it's all dark because there's no fucking lights and someone holds a big torch of fire still a fire on it sets fire to them all so the king and

39:40five nobles are on fire right and then all the nobles burn to death. But King Charles VI only survives because a woman throws some like curtains on him and sort of smothers the flames. But he's basically in like a big bird suit. He's like Gunnosaurus, but he's on fire. Right. And all his mates die, burn alive. It's like a mascot conference where they all die. And so is that why he goes... His first major outbreak is after that he goes late nature sort of yeah cross-eyed shit so he sometimes believes that he's made entirely of glass yeah so he won't allow anyone to approach him yeah he didn't recognize he didn't know who his wife was he had like psychotic episodes but also because he refused to bath or um use the toilet a lot of

40:24times he was just sort of he wasn't motivated enough yeah well let's go extreme hoarders have you watched extreme hoarders are you no it's it's at the end point of hoarding we are not even yes this is probably one of my my guilty pleasures as one of these tv shows extreme hoarding is is really quite satisfying you cannot believe how bad it can get. The poop lady. Who's the poop lady? Let's go. So have a watch this. This is the King of France. In a jug. Oh my God, are those tissues? Is that toilet? I'm going to be sick. Actually, by the time you put it in there, it's actually a dirty water jug is what that is. This is important. That's what all those dirty water jugs are about I want to say that the reason that Shanna didn't get rid of all those bottles

41:11Is because she's lazy She's not lazy I hope it's not sentimental to her What's lazy about her? I mean there's lazy She has a septic issue Supposed to be drained Oh my god You've got to get this off the screen. Do you know the food that she eats the most? What? Chowder. She eats a lot of chowder, this woman. Yeah, that's kind of a peek into the court of France. The cleanest it's ever been. I had cottage cheese this morning and I'm struggling. I'll be honest, I'm struggling. Really struggling. cottage cheese this morning and i'm i'll be honest i'm struggling really struggling you know after she left that house they had to uh demolish the entire house it was so truly sudden that they had to get they had to start again they had to rip out the foundations because it was so rotten with

41:59shit so sorry just to confirm that's a woman who did not throw away any of her pooey tissue, toilet roll, or the actual poo itself. She did it all in bottles. She didn't throw anything away at any point ever. Yeah, I get that. I don't classify pooing as throwing stuff away. Well, she does. That's fine, then. Fine. We agree to disagree. You've got to see it from other people's perspective. Well, I am now. I didn't know that perspective was there, and I feel sick. You've got to see it from other people's perspective. Well, I am now. I didn't know that perspective was there, and I feel sick. You've got to get on extreme hoarders. It's unbelievable. What's the psychology of hoarding? Not being able to let go.

42:34Do you feel any sort of loss, maybe, when the shit goes down the U-bend? Sometimes it is. Letting go? I mean, I don't. Yeah, I'm very much a forward-looking guy, really. You know, it's the opposite of Clarkson, isn't it? Just shit, don't look back. Don'm very much a forward-looking guy really you know it's the opposite of clarkson isn't it don't look just shit don't look back don't even sit on the toilet just get on with it he's the opposite of hoarding yes it's true the opposite what's the what's the opposite well so my my dad's got quite a clarkson aspect my mum's a hoarder and my dad don't call her no she's a sorry she's a she's a she's a hoarder right sorry yeah um my dad uh he can't deal with stuff he thinks stuff

43:08closes his mind his creativity so he will throw anything that is on the kitchen counter in the bin that has included passports i have a very similar uh so he'll just if something is there for more than if it's there for two hours if if you've seen it twice, it goes in the bin. Because his view is, I'll deal with the admin, I'll deal with that, but I can't deal with it right there. I imagine your dad is like me in this regard, in that he has taken something directly from the letterbox straight to the bin. Yeah, of course. Personally, I would like a bin underneath the letterbox that can just catch anything that comes through the door. If it's important, you'll email me or call me. I don't want anything through the letterbox dad also he has um he buys cheap reading

43:49glasses that are set to like you know you can go into the shop and buy ready-made ones right and he probably gets through 50 pairs a year finishes a book so he does he uses a single use reading glasses right okay uh and uh he i looked at his bluetooth on his iphone and he had um 14 pairs of airpods so i think he uses he's cut sort of single use airpods single use reading glasses just everything single use and to be honest his house spotless to be fair yeah uh it is it does work but you know it's easy to judge saying that's quite wasteful but it's a it's a very clean place if you're a skip raider in indonesia absolute field day at peter gordon's house you get 13 pounds of airpods and they're brand new

44:34now the french king grew so covered in his own waste he got bed sores that to prevent the king from rotting alive, the royal family hired ten men disguised in blackface. Now, I don't know why that's got anything to do with it. It was a different time. To burst into his room at night, terrify him, and forcibly scrub him down. Yeah. That's fascinating. Yeah. Ten blacked-up men burst into your room at night and then forcibly wash him. So Matt Lucas has come in there as precious. Yeah. You're has come in there as precious. You're too stinky in there. And he loves clumply with me so it distracts him. for you Matt, I'll wash. Yeah. And his thing is he loves minstrel shows. It's before TV, you're right.

45:19It is before TV. And to be honest, what is being a king if not having your ass wiped while someone performs in black and white? Yeah, you're right actually. Like, is there anything more kingly that's true as we say in this podcast if you've got privilege you need to use it yeah we respect that if you can force people to black up and then wipe your ass i imagine that feels pretty good yeah that's a quick dopamine hit to be honest yeah so basically the french are super weak at this time they're also have a Nair version of the War of the Roses. Won't get into that. Armagnacs versus the Burgundians. Boring as fuck. Not Greta Thunberg. What's her name? Joan of Arc's on the horizon. Yes. When is Joan of Arc?

45:53I keep forgetting. I think it's after Agincourt. Because fundamentally the English keep getting huge wins. Yeah. But it's kind of, England was never going to win because it's, they're too small. You can't take the whole country. And we win in these massive battles, these huge, Cresti, Poitiers, Agincourt, but it doesn't mean you can hold on to the country for very long, so it doesn't really last. There's a lot of stuff, great stuff, about the Dauphin's mother, who is maybe the least horny French woman, I believe. Contemporary sources accuse her of sexual promiscuity, political corruption, and incestuous relationships. She a french woman yeah she's in affairs with her children yeah which yeah she's french just yeah she's french many offspring were born of incest

46:35french birds yeah sort of um to be honest and you know when an austrian man has kids with his kids it's viewed as a you know the devil next door sort of stuff yeah exactly but a french woman it's viewed as um sexy and romantic it's one born every minute in front french version of fritzl is called one born every minute yeah and that's why they like such stinky cheese i believe uh because they all their noses are so fucked from the incest yes you're right that does make complete sense yeah it's why they like the food they like yeah and the country's a toilet so you know if you're going for pleasure yeah if you want something that smells worse than a toilet yeah oh yeah to manage the king's episodes

47:15and sexual demands so he's still though he's covered in his own shit which is interesting and he thinks he's made of glass he's still sexually demanding interesting which adds another level I think to the mad king yeah think you're made of glass you're actually made of shit and you're demanding sex like that's quite a lot going on her she has the hots for her own kids she doesn't give a fuck about someone her own age or not related to her so instead she she sends in a sort of body double, a decoy to fuck him for. She basically gets a mistress who I guess looks sort of like her but I imagine the Dauphin who's fat and disabled probably doesn't know the difference. But the Dauphin is the son. Yeah.

47:56Can you go on poo divers? Sorry to make this so pooey. I've not really recovered from the hoarder clip I'll be honest. So this is the mistress that is a boo. Sent into the Dauphin's room. Brendan's a professional boo. Yeah, so that's the mistress you have to go in and sort of... You know. So this is what's happening in the French court when Henry V's rival, the Dauphin, is born. Who I think you think is a big fat fuck, but I'm not sure he is a big fat fuck. Yeah, he is. He's really fat and he's awake all night and he just wants to get his end away. And it's the opposite of Henry V. It's definitely the opposite of Henry V. I didn't know he was such a big fat fuck. He's so fat that shortly after the election call,

48:41he dies of obesity. He dies of gastric failure. Which is impressive. Yeah. Only royal, people in the royal line are doing this, can afford to do this. No, not true, not true. Go on. This is very much, and I didn't know Agincourt was so pooey either, actually. It's extraordinary. The amount of dysentery, the amount of lethal diarrhea. Oh, we'll get onto that. This is, you know, when diarrhea is lethal is lethal you know it is after the existence of diarrhea and it's before the current age where you'd say it's probably the best is it the best time to poo in history probably is because the iphone probably the best time to poo in history is now oh you mean you can watch um five episodes of the sopranos on the toilet people are watching

49:16this on the toilet right now yeah you know yeah you can start like an incredible we are so dead prestige tv show while on the toilet We're so deadened to shitting that we're just sort of not even experiencing it. We're just gormously watching reels whilst pooing. Well, yeah, I mean, once I know I'm going for a shit, it's like a treat. I'm like, I bring an iPad in there. I have multiple screens. I'm gooning while pooing. I'm poo-gooning. Isn't that mad? I need to poo. Where's my phone? You know, you say that to someone 100 years ago but 100 years ago it was such a dangerous time to poo because every time i went to the loo it's like my intestines might fall out on this toilet break do you know i mean like every every time you go

49:57for a shit you could die that's what i mean it's a very dangerous time back then you know yeah so once again we need to be great we need to be grateful we do let's get yeah so the chroniclers describe louis as lazy fond of luxury given to extreme over indulgence in food and wine okay right so he is basically the stark contrast to this sort of athletic warrior prince in england he's a he's a fat nepo baby which i do think nepo babies should be more gluttonous on the surface don't you agree? There's something about the way that Nepo babies now are all in good shape and they can kind of go under the surface. If you're going to be born into immense privilege, I want to see a fat prince, an Augustus Gloop sort of figure.

50:36Yes. It feels like you're more taking advantage of, it feels like you seem more kind of pampered and greedy. I like that. Yes. So that's what I respect about him. We're getting to the crunch point. seem more kind of pampered and greedy i like that yes yeah so that's why i respect about him we get we're getting to the crunch point now france is basically run is in a civil war between the armoniacs and the burgundians yeah which is the kind of conflict that joan of arc will be yeah you know war of the noses what lovely stuff war of the noses ultimately the sort of uh you'd say the trigger point for henry the fifth when he gets triggered he is triggered he gets triggered actually he gets a rude comment online and gets triggered.

51:06Yes. The Dauphin, the fat guy, he sends Henry some tennis balls, which is quite Beethoven's brother. This is Beethoven's brother. But Henry V isn't Beethoven's brother. The French Dauphin is Beethoven's brother. And so it's a real clash. So he sends him a chest of tennis balls, which is meant to mock him as immature, suggesting he should return to childish games that's incredible that's pure Bayham as brother it's not good it's not doing anything for you no it's sort of like an evening standard cartoon yeah it's like what yeah here you go mate back to the tennis I think tennis for you me thinks I'm gonna kill everyone you know yeah alright chill out I was just trying to be funny it's not even a joke fuck you when you fuck off I'm gonna kill everyone you know yeah alright chill out

51:46I was just trying to be funny it's not even a bit of a joke fuck you why don't you fuck off I'm gonna come over there and fucking kill all of you I'm gonna kill all of you yeah yeah yeah yeah how funny is that I think that's funny you fat cunt Henry V doesn't like jokes and he's like whoa whoa whoa guys I'm fat we're having a laugh I'm a fat guy I'm Johnny I sent you some tennis balls hey whoa he's got his tits he wants to titty fuck the Doe fan anyone no anyone seriously does anyone want to titty fuck the Doe fan no one titty fuck me what's the point of being Doe fan if I can't get titty fucked where's Matt Lucas yeah leave the shoe polish on black up and titty fuck me now that's an order right

52:21it shouldn't have to be an order you should want to do it so this is the the tense the kind of stuff I want to do it. So this is the tense. It's the kind of stuff I say to my wife. Yeah, and this is actually in Shakespeare's play, all of this. Black up and titty fuck me now, my liege. Will no one blacketh upeth and titty fucketh me? And this is just before the interval. We happy few. This is before the interval, like Henry V. It's a, what's it called? A soliloquy from the Dauphans. Well, no one blacketh up and titty fucketh me. And that's a line that isn't actually as quoted in major tournaments. And he says that, and he goes like that, blackout. And everyone in the globe goes, thank fuck, I can sit down for a bit now.

53:02But that's what I said, you know, when there's group sex at my house when there's group sex at your house and I'm trying to rouse the rest of the men when there's group sex at my house go on I say now all of you we happy few we band of brothers blacketh up and titty fucketh me summon up the erections some of them stiffen the cocks for those who come with me today will be my For those who come with me today will be my brothers. Those who come on my titties will be my brothers. Now. And as it's an interval in the play, it is now an interval in this story. Wow, phenomenal. Look at that. Next episode, we will be talking about the best, my favourite battle ever, I'd say. Not the most consequential, for sure,

53:43but the one that fires me up the most. It's the purest it's the best it's Agincourt so in 1415 Henry V he goes this is fucking ridiculous I'm going to kill all your family tennis balls you cunt fuck off and he launches as an invasion of France in our next episode we will deal with Agincourt we will deal with siege warfare we will deal with the longbow ladies you've been warned we're going to get into the physics of the longbow. Ladies, you've been warned. Yeah. We're going to get into the physics of the longbow. It's good stuff. That's already on the Patreon, where for three pounds a month, you can join us in our quest to be bigger than the Taliban. Yeah. Join us for early access and bonus episodes.

54:19And if not, we'll see you on Thursday for Agincourt. Bye. see you on Thursday for Agincourt. Bye!