#2573 - Legion of Skanks

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1:28The crown is yours. issued in non-withdrawable predictions dollars that expire in one year. Terms at DKNG.co slash predictions promo. Limited time offer. Nationwide based on sportsbook predictions and or free-to-play sports contest availability. Varies by state. This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Hook up a better speaker to your TV and your home theater experience is immediately 10 times better. Or add a little extra treat to your dog's food. They get so happy at dinnertime. Sometimes it's worth it to go that extra step to find people who will do that for your business. Check out ZipRecruiter. Try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. ZipRecruiter has what you need to find great candidates fast,

2:22like powerful matching technology to help sort through thousands of resumes and a feature that puts people who are the most interested and most qualified first. Try ZipRecruiter and meet great candidates who'll go the extra step for your job. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free today at ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. ZipRecruiter. Meet your match on ZipRecruiter. Joe Rogan Podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day. Joe Rogan Podcast by night. All day. Pretty balls moved to do dressing out of someone's ass and have that work out for you night after night. Bob Levy did that for 20 years.

3:15Yeah, and I don't think it ever failed. I remember he had a night where it was like, ah, dude, well, keep the dressing sealed. How many times did that guy get pink eye? He must have. It must be off the charts. He must be like the number one pink eye? He must have. It must be off the charts. He must be like the number one pink eye patient. Yeah, well, when he wrote the joke, it was definitely, it's like when a guy becomes a gynecologist, he assumes like, well, it's all going to be hot chicks coming to show me their pussies. And then he has to end up doing it to like fat Philly women as they come on stage. A guy who does that, like if that's what you're doing all the time, you're working on vaginas,

3:46like that's like a cop who's like constantly pulling over people who are lying to them. You just assume everybody's fucked up because you're only dealing with like mostly broken people. Yeah, yeah. People breaking the law. Piece of shit. You're only dealing with broken pussies. Yeah, the ones that are, yeah, they're not, the perfect ones aren't in there. They're not like, hey, does this still look perfect? By the time someone's going to a pussy doctor, especially a male pussy doctor, which is really odd. It's really odd. All the different things that you could choose to work on, the brain, the eyes. You're like, eh, vaginas. If you would have asked me when I was 13, that would have been my dream job.

4:18Yeah. Pussy doctor? You thought so. And at the end you thought, well, all these porn stars must have to go to a doctor. I'll be that guy. I'm not going to pussy doctor school for a doctor. I'll be that guy. I'm not going to pussy doctor school for eight years. That's crazy. Yeah. There's got to be some of them that are. Well, a lot of doctors get into drugs because they can prescribe them. And they prescribe them to each other. Like, I have a doctor friend, and he's always on something. He's always doing something. He's always taking things. Like, I need this for that. I need this for that. Like, they just take a pill. Like, there's a doctor friend, and he's always on something. He's always doing something. He's always taking things.

4:45Like, I need this for that. Like, they just take a pill. Like, there's a lot of them. There's a book called Dead Doctors Don't Lie by Joel Wallach. Interesting book. But it's mostly about, like, nutritional supplements and how really nutrition is the foundation of health, not going to the doctor, and that most of these doctors are really out of their fucking head and he was just talking all these Different stories in the book about different doctors die of overdoses in the middle of a fucking operation like well That's the number one cause of death One of the top causes of death is malpractice by doctors they can't like hospitals are regularly fucking up Yeah, they fuck up malpractice or something happens during an operation is like the third leading cause of death. yeah that's the words he goes all right we're gonna cut that tumor out right after i get

5:28these spiders out from under my skin probably right back i have to go scratch for a little bit get your way a friend of mine his wife went to the doctor because she had to get a kidney removed and they removed the wrong kidney what they removed the good one oh and then finished it and like you're good to go and then you figured out they figured it out afterwards and he you know there's a lawsuit the whole thing you know he won't what when they pulled it out do you think they were like looks good what do i know the wrong leg amputated like there's a lot of what's the review process like on that when they sit everyone down like what went wrong here it's like honestly everyone did everything right except for the

6:03fucking guy who got the wrong fucking kidney. It's like everything else, man. There's guys who are shitty drivers, but they still have a license. You know, there's guys who are terrible. There's guys who are terrible carpenters. You hire them to build your house and you go over the work. What the fuck is this? I think a lot of work like that is it's just people always that are willing to do it. Whether they're good or not doesn't matter. Just being willing to do it. Like, I'm not a willing to do it guy Whether they're good or not doesn't matter. Just being the willing to do it. I'm not a willing to do it guy because I go, well, I'll do it bad. But a lot of people are just like, I'll figure it out.

6:32There's also just some shithead who was like, all right, I'm going to make it through law school. And then that's that. I could have gone to law school technically. No, you can do that. Become a lawyer or go to medical school. There's movies about it. There's Bahama schools you can go that become a lawyer or go to the medical school like movies about this There's like Bahamas schools. You can go to that like Really takes nothing. Yeah, anybody can get in yeah, and if you know if you if you graduate with C's You're a fucking doctor. So you go to medical school in Mexico Can't you just take a test and then come over here and be a doctor here? Oh, there's no why everybody always say the cameras are doctors

7:02No, well, there's a difference between driving cars. And that's a big problem with commercial vehicles. They just give illegals commercial vehicle operations. And these motherfuckers don't know how to drive these trucks at all. And some of these huge accidents that we've seen over the last few years, it turns out that a lot of them are legal. Oh, really? Yeah. But if you're a doctor and you're a doctor, say, in India and you go over to America. You have to go through a whole lengthy procedure to get licensed in America. That's always like the joke of it. It was like your cab driver is like, well, I was a spinal surgeon back where I'm from. In Russia. Now I smell like this. Yep. You guys know that story about the one guy who there was, I guess, his kid, like adult kid,

7:43but his kid was in a coma, and they were going to like take him off life support. And then the dad was like, no, I can tell there's something left there. He's not going to die. And then he brought a gun, and he had like a two-day standoff with like the police. Oh, Jesus Christ. And then his kid came out of the coma, and the kid survived. He went to jail for like a year, but he saved his kid's life. Holy fuck. Wow. Have you seen the phenomenon? Everyone keeps reminding me i forgot about the anne heche when they were taking her out like her dead body basically and it popped up and sat up and they shove her back down and put her in the ambulance like a big conspiracy yeah but she might have been dying i mean she was in a horrible car accident where

8:19she ran into a house on drugs she was like in a body bag and they pushed her back down yeah uh i think she like comes out of it. I think it's unzipped. Really? What? She popped back up? Yeah, she looked like the Undertaker. But apparently there's a phenomenon of that happening. There's video you can see in morgues. Things happen in the body where a dead person's like their arm will completely go up and so they just stiffen in a weird way. Well, there's been people that they brought to the morgue that came back to life. That's crazy, I know. That they thought were dead and weren't dead. They just had such a low heartbeat. Voodoo. They just assumed they're dead. Some people just get to the door and don't go through and pop back out.

8:54But there's another problem. The problem is organ donors. You know, in order for you to donate your organ, you have to actually be alive. So the way they donate organs is like if you die in a car accident and then they won't get to the hospital, he's been dead for two hours, they're not donating any organs. Oh, really? You have to be alive. Oh, I thought that was the whole thing. Yeah. They could take my dead organs. Yeah, that's what you think. Yeah. And so this is the problem, is if they want those organs and they're pretty sure you're gonna die and you're not gonna make it they Take them out of you while you're alive The question is who makes the call and there have been times where people said no

9:32You're not gonna do this and then the person survives where they wanted to Make the call and start harvesting organs. This person's dying. They're not gonna make it but we would like his kidney It matches this guy. Is it because they need him, like, I guess if you die, they start to rot? That sounds like speculation. I don't know what, you know, I don't know what the thing is, but. It's like hostile. But what happens is, you have to be alive when they're actually pulling those organs. My brother-in-law has. So they'll say you're brain dead. And maybe a lot of people are brain dead. I am. And look, I have a friend of mine who has a fake heart. Excuse me, not a fake heart. He got a heart from somebody else.

10:09He got a donated heart. So it's like it really helps people. Yeah, my brother-in-law has two lungs. He has transplanted lungs. Cold preservation, typical windows between organ recovery and transplantation. So this is right after they pull them out of the body. They have to do it very quickly. But when they pull them out of the body, I believe you have to actually be alive. Yeah, yeah. They can't be oxygen deprived, it says. Right. Okay, so what does it say? The kidney transplant is usually like both people there, right? Yeah, they just take one out and put it in. That's if you're like George Lopez, his wife donated a kidney to him. So there's one cutoff. The key is whether the organs are still getting oxygen, not simply how long the person has been declared dead.

10:49The biggest distinction between the organs left without circulation and organs that a doctor promptly recover and preserve for transplant. So if like at the moment where your heart stops beating, they get it out of you. They can probably use it. But this idea that like you could be dead and then they bring you to the morgue, and then they can take your organs, that's not how it works. I signed up to be an organ donor, because I assumed that it was like, you get into a car accident, you're dead, you can give your organs away. But now it's like, you think they really give the 110%? Can I take that back? Don't cut me open. And then they just hold your license up to you. How do I scratch that off my license?

11:24Sorry, bro. Sorry, dude. That's what I'm afraid of. take that back don't cut me open yeah i scratch that off my license sorry bro sorry dude that's what i'm afraid of i mean i'm not accusing anybody doing this but when you are when you have a thing where you can profit from it you run into like weird gray areas where people can make subjective calls they can make a decision whether or not you live or die and they might be wrong they might be right 99 times out of 100, but that one time, if that's your niece, and then, you know what I mean? That's someone you love, whoever it is. If it's me, though, when I say, if they're going to kill me, if it's between killing me to give someone whatever they need from me,

11:56which I'm sure my organs are garbage. Your fatty liver? You're going to put your fatty liver into somebody? Could you imagine? So we're going to take it in a large heart and put it into this person. It won't fit into a child. It smells like Marlboro's. See what that Christian Slater would do? It would be on the outside of his body. He's like, we have a black lung here. Sorry, bro. We're just going to clean it out before we put it in you. That's a wild, yeah. My brother-in-law has two lungs that aren't his It's so weird. Oh my god, and that's a life you have to live like It's funny He couldn't come see I opened for Shane at the Lincoln Financial Field and my whole family came to that in Philadelphia

12:37Except my brother-in-law because it was our Shane's that said it was It was yeah, he was against it he Do you know that was the wildfires in Canada that were causing like smoke? Oh, he's like he can't go outside and that it would be like Certain doom for him the rest of his life, and you can't take and for the rest of your life. You got to take anti You know rejection Medicine which is basically immunosuppressant yourself AIDS right just just like sit there Open everything It's like well But way less fun Yeah I have a mild cough I'll see you guys in a month You guys know the Ben Askren story? He almost passed away right? He almost died He got an infection in his lungs And it was rotting his lungs out

13:20Like he didn't want to go to the hospital His wife talked him into going to the hospital And they realized like Oh you've got holes in your lungs like you're gonna die And then they had to do a double lung transplant on a healthy you know elite wrestler former MMA champion I'm gonna explain the kind of hypochondria I have is I now feel that exact thing happening to my lungs as we speak. I think you're preserving the cigarettes. Oh, that's what's happening. We're like the guys who get their faces torn off and they get a full face transplant. That technology has gotten way better. It's gotten weird, though, because you got no eyes. You can't really smile. Face off for real? What's your will to live?

13:59That's almost the point. If you're an organ donor and it's like the choice is you can get that organ away or it's like you have a nice long journey back to being where people can at least like appreciate you or listen to your ideas again yeah i don't know give the guy a lung give the guy my pancreas yeah but it depends on like what it is like sometimes people just come back and they're fine like whatever the like it's not like every time you're almost dead. It's the same You know it's it's it's just weird when someone can make a decision as to whether or not you live or die and It's the wrong decision, but you're dead and no one cares, and then the hospital makes money off of it You got to turn it over to God dude. That's what uh

14:38Hulk Hogan did remember Hogan was talking to his son when his son got into the accident and the friend died and Hulk Hogan was on the phone with His son I think just trying to make his son feel better, but he already said no he was like I don't know what your friend John did there to get wrong with God, but I Guess he was like what the fuck? His prayers he wasn't eating his vitamins His pythons were under 20 inches when someone people start interpreting the Bible in that way, you're like, I don't think you're reading it right. I don't think that's how it works. You're supposed to say, I'm sorry your friend's dead. Yeah. You're not supposed to say. Not giving the reasons why you think he died.

15:14You're like, hey, your friend Also, the reason he died was his son drove them into a tree a hundred and some miles away. Oh, you guys see this where the priest gets killed by the cross? Oh, have I seen it? I've watched this a thousand times. Jesus. This priest. killed by the cross? Oh, have I seen it? I've watched this a thousand times. This priest... It's the craziest video because this poor guy was in the middle of like... Wasn't he talking about that you have to get right with God before you die? I think he might have been talking about the Jack Hogan phrase. This is the first time the church ever was scrambling to find some dirt on this guy. Like, you want to be like, oh, we found out this guy.

15:49I mean, there's kids buried all under the rectory. See, the thing about those guys is they have to be really careful because they all have secrets. And if one guy rats one guy out, then they start doing a deep dive. Yeah. Like Catholic priests and pedophiles, that's just linked. There's no way you say Catholic priest to someone who's our age or your age, and in any way it doesn't enter into your mind. Steve's brother is a Catholic priest, which is hilarious. He's a good guy, though, right? I swear to God, yes, nothing shady. But we just assume for sure he probably has, and we just haven't found out yet. Well, but he's like, it's a tough thing when people- What's tougher, telling someone you're a comic or telling someone you're a Roman Catholic

16:34priest, but you have to put that like, but I'm a great guy. I'm not a person that you want to- I am disgusted by children's bodies. Yeah, whatever. The preface to every conversation. Oh, yeah, bring your ugly kid over here. I'd rather fuck a dog. What? Excuse me? A dog? Yeah. I love dogs. It's weird that those two are just connected, and we're trying to pretend they're not. Well, when was the blow-up of it? The 80s? Well, I mean, there's been- 80s, 90s, where they were really- It's like, they're just moving them around. It was like girls gymnastics coaches. They're just shuffling them around fucking parts of the country. There's a documentary called, I think it's called Hear No Evil. It's one of the worst documentaries you could ever watch.

17:17Like, don't watch it. But it's basically about this Catholic priest, and they take him from one place, and they move him to another place. And I think the story was that he molested a hundred deaf kids. They moved him to a place where the kids were all deaf and he was just molesting these deaf kids. And this was one of the ones, I believe the story was this is the ones that Ratzinger, you know, that one Pope that was disgraced and removed, he was involved in that. So a lot of these guys before, you know, when they're moving up the ranks, one of the jobs is you take a Catholic priest that's been molesting kids and you move them. You just move them to another area. And they've been doing that forever.

17:58That was their standard policy. And you know what they say, wherever you go, there you are. Who does Dr. Seuss? That's right. It was also a little problematic yeah yeah oh yeah by the way I didn't I went to I think it was in San Diego once that American Comedy Club walking around and there was like an art gallery and it was doing a Dr. Seuss like exhibit and you go inside and like very quickly you're like yo this guy drew a lot of pretty racist stuff oh yeah he was problematic. Oh, yeah. And old, like, was it Looney Tunes or Warner Brothers? Oh, yeah. A lot of stuff in that, too. Super racist. Well, have you seen, there's, you know, the big bad wolf? Like, what was it? We've seen this before, Jamie.

18:37It's like the original one from, like, the 1930s. So there's a big bad wolf that's banging on someone's door. Yeah, it's Goldilocks. And they pull the mask off and in the original one. It's a Jewish guy. Oh really? converted it to a wolf. Yeah, it's great So funny you realize this was a cartoon for saw. It's like, is that Ari? Yeah, I saw. But it was like open. This was before World War II, so it was just openly fine to do that in a cartoon. There was a racism episode. I saw this on YouTube recently. A racism episode of Bewitched where the blink, wiggle the nose trick was to make this racist feel bad, they were all, he was going to see everybody as black. And it's the entire cast in blackface, including the children. It's the

19:32craziest fucking thing I've ever seen. Well, that is one of the wilder things, though, honestly. That you can't change the color of your skin because it's racist. You can't pretend to be of a different race. Well, back in the 80s and 90s, you can just be like, oh, I'm a basketball player. You can't just to be of a different race well back in the 80s and 90s you can just be like oh i'm a basketball player yeah but like halloween no you are the amount of people that have blackface halloween costumes from the 80s and 90s and they're like i hope this never comes out justin trudeau yeah but we are being conditioned to like fear the thing at all exactly like i'm certain because i just watched reruns of stuff when i was a kid that i saw that

20:02be wished episode it didn't strike me at all because I got that it was like an anti-racism message. Do you know what I mean? I got the point. I didn't go just like, still, no matter what, that's cool. But now you're like, shit, you can't fuck around like that. Even the wish. I didn't think anything about most of those things. Ted Danson? It's also because people- Yeah, Ted Danson. That was the thing that- That was fucking crazy. Roddy Piper, when he wrestled Bad news brown at like WrestleMania six or whatever he came out in half black body paint on his whole body Righty righty pipe back is fine. That's fine. That's not full a lot of at Naked Roast a couple years ago I painted my cock black and I was like I just did black cock and I was gonna do black face and I was started

20:41To put it on and Yamanika walk by and I was like ah this isn't a good idea Yamanika would definitely call you out it's also Yamanika's bad side Jesus also blackface got like it's too blanket statement because it shouldn't be considered blackface if you're doing brownface because that was like that's the bewitched thing that's blackface which I think hilariously looks less offensive to black people technically, but that's the factual paint. They would put on for blackface Yeah, like the Al Jolson day yeah, yeah, that's that minstrel shows those minstrel shows those are crazy This is a good question Let's say you were getting in an organ you got into an accident and you needed somebody's organ

21:23But they were only gonna give you a black guy's organ. Would you take it? Steve? Yes, of course I would take it. I want to live. For real? No. That's hilarious. What if they gave you a choice to take a white guy's heart or a black guy's heart and you get to choose? I want to know what they did. Yeah. Give me their profession. Tell me what these guys did with their day. Did they eat fruits and vegetables and work out all of their day? Give me the black guy. Give me a menu. 100%. Give me the guy who's healthy. That's what I want. Black guy doesn't work out, but he still has a better body. Never worked out once. This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Hook up a better speaker to your TV,

22:00and your home theater experience is immediately 10 times better. Or add a little extra treat to your dog's food. They get so happy at dinnertime. Sometimes it's worth it to go that extra step, to find people who will do that for your business. Check out ZipRecruiter. Try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. ZipRecruiter has what you need to find great candidates fast, like powerful matching technology to help sort through thousands of resumes and a feature that puts people who are the most interested and most qualified first. Try ZipRecruiter and meet great candidates who go the extra step for your job. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.

22:48Try it for free today at ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Rogan. ZipRecruiter, meet your match on ZipRecruiter. He goes, all right, well, you're going to live healthy, but you're never going to dunk. That's the way it goes. You got to weigh the good and the bad, I guess, with everything. There's trade-offs. It's weird because whiteface is totally fine. Like white chicks. You could do white chicks too today. Of course. No one would care. No. It was a funny movie. I'd look forward to it. No one would care. But it's such a weird thing that you can't pretend to be someone. We should make black chicks. That'd be a fun movie to make. Black chicks. Boy, you could go to town with. We should make Black Chicks. That'd be a fun movie to make. Black Chicks.

23:25Boy, you could go to town with that one if you were really bold. Oh, yeah, Drewski. Yeah, Drewski, dude. I mean, that's hilarious. Drewski did, Eric and Kirk. But the fucking people on the right, man, they lost their fucking minds. Did they really? They lost their sense of humor. The Tards. They paid on that that much? That's crazy. You know, the lowest IQ, farthest right ding-dongs, who their whole identity is like being an online MAGA person. There's just like a low IQ version of that that's out there. No matter what you do. Oh, fuck you! Fuck you, fucking traitor! There's those people. Fuck Drewski! I'll never listen to him again! It's really extreme. Did you? Were you a big fan before? I loved all his skits!

24:08He's funny, man. And look, it's kind of odd when your husband dies and then all of a sudden you've got sparklers coming out from behind your ass and you're wearing glitter pants and you're walking out like you're Led Zeppelin in 1977. It's a little weird. The final countdown should have played. It's a little weird. I mean, I don it's a little weird I mean I don't judge people on how they grieve I wouldn't want to be the person who watches her husband get shot in the neck and then see people celebrate how much that would just psychologically fuck you up and then I'm sure they'd probably put you on some medication because it's probably insane to deal with so they'd probably give you something

24:41to fucking calm you down and so then they're like listen Erica this is what we're going to do. We're going to have crazy music and then sparklers behind you and you come out. Like, what is this? That's his funeral? Is this your sweet 16? How long after he died did that happen? Like a week. That was the memorial. It was like within a week. It was days. The sparklers are wild. Like, what are we? And the memes were great. She was in hair and makeup. She got hair and makeup for sure. Well, have to do you gotta look good dude all the memes a car with like uh like fireworks shooting off it doing circles and it was this uh grieving my husband eric dude i i've had an in-depth conversation with my wife about what

25:20i expect after i pass away like the amount of grieving and the amount of consoling. I don't even want her to leave the house for five or six months after. I'm going to go the Kirk way, dude. I want fucking Bigfoot and Gravedigger coming at each other over a bunch of broken down cars. Let's go big. Steve, I think you swore on your wife's life last night on Story Wars and we're lying. Wait a minute. Story Wars. You're trying every spiritual. No, I told the truth. You're trying every no i told the truth i told you're trying every way to get her out of your life without you having to do anything too much true crime now no i expect full like inconsolable like just you know wearing black a veil i want that

25:58level of like pain and sorrow how long before a new guy comes along? No. Never? Never. To death? To death, dude. Wow. To death. Now, let's say she dies tomorrow, tragically. I need companionship. I'm a different kind of person. I require companionship. I understand that. No one likes being alone. No, I don't want to be alone. Okay? But that's my personality. Yeah, that makes sense. Her personality is what I'm telling her, that she has to be very sad when I'm dead. That's the way it goes. Say it while pointing with a cigar also does send a nice message. And you're gonna be sad, kid. Once I die, I don't care. Just cremate me. No, I care. You know, move on. I think that's that. I think once you die, the lights are out.

26:37The cremate you thing is another scam. So you assume you're getting your dad's ashes. No, they give you a mix of ash come on What's in the pot absolutely? And I look I've literally go So you know All kinds of stuff We had to pay more money to have him cremated separately from other dogs they told us they were like look if we do the Regular cremation you're getting other dogs Ashes, but if you do it separately we'll have a clean thing, and we paid more money. But they don't even give you just ashes. They give you little chips of bone. There's pieces of bone. It's not. Yeah. It's really bizarre. Yeah. Ashes is an idea. I like more of like the, if I was going to do any idea like that, because I think burial is stupid,

27:20but the burial, you know, they'll put you in a pod that a tree's in or something. I'm like, sure. Do something like that. Yeah, they'll put you in a pod that a trees in or something. I'm like sure Yeah, they put your body under a tree and they should make those trees crossed a bazillion dollars though Those things cost like a gazillion dollars. It shouldn't like no that should be standard That should be how we do it in national parks, but I mean, you know what the best one is though Tibetan sky funeral What are they what happens there? Oh? There's there This is crazy. So their tradition is to take the bodies up to the top of a mountain, and they break the bones apart and chop the bodies up into chunks,

27:54and the vultures are everywhere. They know that they're going to do this. So they've trained these vultures to eat these people. So they bring the bodies, all the local villagers, the people who've died and they they're up there hacking their limbs into Digestible chunks and then the vultures are just swarming them They're all over the place and that's like the reasonable people of that place the well there Their thought is like you are part of nature You will now get absorbed by nature and you will go right back into nature taking on that job though You have to have like a Dexter personality. Yeah, well, I mean sort of but in these people it's like just their tradition the person's gone and

28:32What you're gonna do is just sacrifice them to nature and isn't it better if it feeds these animals that are important for the ecosystem Until that bird shits on your head If it was somebody's wishes do you think you could yeah even when they're dead cut their limbs off yeah you could you don't think you have a stomach yeah i could do it i wouldn't want to do it but i could do it wow i think you want to do it you don't have to do it ever yeah but i wouldn't want to do it to a loved one that's for sure like i wouldn't want to cut my wife up after she's dead we tried to fillet a fish on the podcast weeks ago. I mean, Steve, we looked over at him. He was just like with puddles of fish guts in his hands.

29:11I watched the video. I thought I had the thing down, and I couldn't get a scale off this fucking thing, dude. I chopped the head off. I started just fucking going against the grain. It was coming apart. I almost cut my fucking hand off with a knife. I literally was like this. It looked like ceviche when I was done. If you go on a boat, like a charter boat, and go fishing with guys who do it every day, those guys are masters. The way they fillet those fish. And they're doing it while the waves are going up and down. Yeah, a little catch and cook. Anytime I go on vacation, dude, you catch it that morning. You bring it back to the villa or the hotel. They cook it up for you. There's this one dude I'm obsessed with online.

29:44He lives in Hawaii. I think it's called... I'll find it. It's called Sycoma or something. Sycoma Syndicate. Hold on. Let me find it. Is that just paprika? God damn it. I've got to find this guy. But what he does is... I don't remember the name of his Instagram. What he does is he goes... See if you can find it, Jamie. He goes, I think we've shown him before. He goes online with a kayak. So he's got a kayak. He takes this fucker out. There he is. Sakana Syndicate. That's it. So this dude goes fishing out of this kayak, and then he cooks a gourmet meal on the kayak in the middle of the fucking ocean. It's the coolest thing. Yeah, they club him in the head to kill him. Now, can I tell you something? Can you back it up, Jamie, a little bit? Look at the middle of the fucking ocean. It's the coolest thing.

30:25Yeah, they club him in the head to kill him. Now, can I tell you something? Can you back it up, Jamie, a little bit? Look at the way this guy does it. He busts out a chopping board. He's got a knife. He brings different herbs and garlic and minces things up. I mean, literally makes like gourmet meals. Pokeballs. Yeah, man. I mean, he does a bunch of different things. Sometimes he cooks. He brings a burner on and he'll cook fish. You got me into that guy that at the end it goes super. Oh, he's my favorite. Wilderness cooking. Yeah, he cooks on like a rock and shit, dude. Azerbaijan. That guy's awesome. He ought to be in the winter sometimes. He ought to be in the woods. So this dude is like every week he's doing this.

31:06Crustaceans? Yeah, man. But it's really fucking interesting to watch. Nope. Because this dude, so right now he's, I'm down. He's just like, it seems like he's gonna eat those raw. But a lot of them he cooks. See if you can find one where he cooks. So he makes these like fucking, like really complicated meals out there. And they look fantastic. If I was sitting across from him when he's holding any of these fish, I would be actively screaming. Yeah, dude, I know. I'd go, get meals out there. If I was fantastic, if I was sitting across from him when he's holding any of these fish, I would be actively screaming. I know. It's angry. It's angry at us. So this dude, that's what I tried. Is that what you tried? That's what I tried to do.

31:40I didn't end up like that at all. It didn't. You got to learn how to do it from someone who knows what the fuck I know doing. I know, but. It's not an unattainable skill. I'll be better at it next time. You will. You'll be back, dude. Me and Jay both sliced our fingers within seconds. I cut myself. It still has a little scar. It looks so good, though. And it looks so easy. Did you ever try fishing on a canoe? Oh, my God. I did. No. I flipped over. I was trying to catch a trout out of a lake. The whole thing flipped it over. Every one of these videos begins with what I would deem to be danger. Yeah. Like we're in danger. Like I wouldn't even hang my feet over the side like that. Well, there's definitely tiger sharks out there.

32:18Oh. There's a great video of this guy. That's Italian cooking right there. You got to pound it down good, flat. We played this the other day. There's a great video of a guy that's on one of right there. You gotta pound it down good, flat. We played this the other day. There's a great video of a guy that's on one of these and this tiger shark comes up and bites the side of his kayak and he screams, tiger shark! And you see this fucking mouth come out of the water. Really? Yeah. He lived. It didn't get him. Do all sharks have teeth? Because I caught a I'm serious. Because a sand shark, I caught my friend's got a boat we went by. That's the level of discourse. Look at this. Look at this tiger shark.

32:48Yo. I went swimming with tiger sharks in Hawaii. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, bro. I mean, that guy could have lost a foot there for sure. That thing is just clamping down on his kayak. You know where that never happens? Land. Yep. That's what I'm talking about. That never happens on land. But you know what doesn't happen in the sea? Puerto Ricans. That's true. I know. So you're really I'm talking about. That never happens on land. But you know what doesn't happen in the sea? Puerto Ricans. That's true. I know. So you're really damned if you do, damned if you don't. Sometimes you got to get your ass out there. Yeah. So why were you filleting a fish? We did end of summer podcast games where we, you know, stuff you do in the summer.

33:21We filleted a fish, threw a football football diving contest, what else do we do? It was against another podcast. It was against Colin Terrell's podcast. They beat us. One of the things was a football throwing challenge and Jay and Steve they pride themselves as being like sports guys so Jay had to have a blindfold on while he held a hula hoop above his head while Steve tried to throw the ball across the yard through the hula hoop without hitting him in the face, groin, body, or anything like that? That's so scary. Shout out Tristan Bowling. Look at this. Joe, you tell me where I went wrong on this. Yeah. Well, first of all, you have a sharp knife. That's Tristan, yeah. No, we had nice knives.

33:58We had really good knives. They're good knives? Okay. Oh, that's you, Steve? No, no, that's Tristan. Oh, God, it's so violent. Let's go, Tristan. This is it. That's Steve over there. Oh, my God. Oh, so there's, Steve? No, no, that's Tristan. Oh, God, it's so violent. Let's go, Tristan. This is it. That's Steve over there. Oh, my God. Oh, so there's a race to clean the fish? It's a race to see if you can get it done first, too. And you're filleting it as well? Yep. Steve, what are you doing? Yeah. You need to get the... Yeah, you're being too aggressive. Dude. It's a more gentle process. First of all, one of the things you do is you start from the top of the back. So you started from the bottom where the guts are.

34:28When you make the filet, you start from the back and you slice along the spine. Joe, where were you this day? So you see where you went wrong? I could have helped. So you see where you took a left there, Steve? I'm going to give it out pointers. There's a method. I mean, that is crazy what's in front of you. That looks like- That pile of shit in front of you is crazy. That looks insane. It looks like... That pile of shit in front of you is crazy. That looks insane. It looks like a act of a murder, dude. That looks like a Tibetan sky funeral. Yep. It disintegrated. That's the right word for it. Yeah. It was pulverized. Put it in a crock pot. I think I told you. It's a skill. Oh, fuck. It's the thing you got to learn how to do.

34:59It's what I don't have. I've never taken a fish off a hook. I've gone on the boat on the Burt tour where they take you fishing, and they're like, you want to hold the fish for the picture? I'm like, I'll point to it. Probably this guy. With his pink fingernails. Dude, I need a glove or something when I go to get the hook out. I'm not like a guy who can just grab the fish because it squirms too much. You get nervous. Plus it's living. I'm trying to get it done quick. These guys are real pussies. They're not real men like us. It's just one of those things you get used to. You know, if you had to live off fish, you'd figure it out real quick. If you get stranded on an island, you would be like, remember when

35:35I could barely hold a fish? CBS in the morning on Sundays, they show bass fishing and I'll watch that for like an hour because those guys, the way they just sit there, they know the spots. I'm torn on bass fishing. Why? Because they don't want to eat them. They're just fucking with these fish. They're tricking them and then they're letting them go. It's fun. I've done it. I love doing it. I love bass fishing. Don't get me wrong. But part of me is like, what are we doing here? We're not even eating these things. It's torture. Why don't people eat them? It's just a catch and release, right? There's a bunch of issues. When I was young, people would catch bass and they would get them cleaned and cooked.

36:10They certainly can. You certainly can eat them. The problem is they have forever chemicals in them now. Almost all freshwater fish are polluted. Almost all of them. If you eat a freshwater fish from a lake in the United States of America, you're going to get a very high level of PFAS. And these are a bunch of forever chemicals. They come from environmental toxins, plastics, all kinds of shit that's in the oxygen, or in the air rather, the atmosphere that gets down into the water, from rain, from runoff, from, you know, every time it rains, you don't think about it, but all the fucking shit that's in your car, all your oil dripping, anything that someone left in the gutter, all that shit runs into the lake.

36:49And when that stuff runs in there, it's never going anywhere. It stays in there and it gets in the fish. There's no flow. Like, pull that up, Jamie. Pull that up in perplexity. Like, what the toxins are that you can get, environmental toxins from freshwater fish. But is it like an aspartame thing, where it turns out you have to drink 700 Cokes a day? Probably, probably. But I do know, Steve Rinella told me about a guy who got real fucking sick, because he was a tournament fisherman, so a freshwater tournament, like catch a bunch of perch. And they eat them, perch are delicious. But he ate them exclusively, that was his whole diet his fucking health fell apart and it turned out that was why it was like he was literally poisoning himself freshwater fish can

37:34contain contaminants especially mercury pcbs and pfas that accumulate in their in the from their water and food the risk depends on the species the lake or river and how often you eat the fish freshwater fish aren't uniformly unsafe so uh it's just a lot of people recommend that if you're going to eat freshwater fish don't eat a lot of it don't eat it often yeah when i went fishing in puerto rico there was one of the fish that we caught they were like if it was over a certain size they're, don't eat it because they've been feeding on like the bottom feeding, like, um, on the reef, whatever the animals that would eat the reef. And they were like, they become toxic the larger they are. So we had to throw them back if they were like over a certain weight or whatever.

38:16We went to the Bahamas and, uh, there was this guy who's a guide who was telling us you can eat barracuda that are from this side of this this island but not from the other side and i said how come and he's like well it's like what they eat and and you know like this side is safe and that side's not safe because they're and i'm like so how do we know these aren't moving around i didn't know you can eat barracuda at all yeah so i you know i was with my daughter and i was like we're not eating these like you could have you would you eat them he said yeah i'm like oh you can keep them yeah so i i didn with my daughter and I was like we're not eating these like you can have me would you eat him?

38:45He said yeah, I'm like oh you can keep them. Yeah, so I I didn't eat the fish I was like that makes me nervous as fuck cuz it's like literally a toxin What's your straight? Do you have like a like you probably introduced all kinds of strange foods? Where's where do you draw a line well because of fear factor? I've eaten Insane things oh you tried this oh yeah. I ate a lot of it. The first episode, I did it sort of to help the people out. I said, I feel terrible that you have to do this, so I'll do it too. And they had to eat a sheep's eyeball. That wasn't that bad. It's just in your head, mostly. Now, it's also the thing, too. Yeah, but it's not. It's a sheep's eyeball. If it was violently awful to eat, I would tell you.

39:24And it wasn't. It was just meat. And then the other one that I ate that was pretty disgusting was a Madagascar hissing cockroach. It's like this big fucking roach. And it was alive. I just picked it up and started chewing it. Almost no taste. It's in your head. Like in your head, it's like. You don't have the almost get. It's not just in your head. I lost that. I used to have that bad. Like in like in high school of somebody through like we were all hanging out together And you threw up Marshall no fear factor really just a hundred percent just seeing that you I saw people puke literally every day No, dude. Oh, go young and handsome Joe. Look. I'll see dude. I had hair back then, sort of. Wow, look at those lips.

40:08Oh, dude. See, but it's not that bad. But I did think about it for a second here, and then I got it right there. I thought about it. I think it was because when you bite into the body cavity, it does squirt. Squirt. Juices out. And I was laughing at the same time. I don't even want to hear about this, but let's do it. That's crazy. But I'm telling you, if you had to eat those to stay alive, you 100% would eat them. It's not that big a deal. I used to torture my ex-wife because I would give her the gags every time. I think it went viral for a while. It was Bear Grylls, and he put the grub in his mouth, and it was huge. And he bites it in the middle and it just blasts open on his face. No reason to do it like that.

40:43But he wasn't even really doing it. That was the whole thing with Bear Grylls he was like staying in hotels well he was out there legitimately he's a legit guy he knows what he's doing i think he's isn't he a special forces guy british right right so what he was doing was showing you what you do and showing you how to do it but then he would go stay in a hotel. That's the difference between him and Survivor Man. So what happened was Survivor Man had a show first. And Survivor Man, he doesn't bring anybody with him. He does everything by himself. He brings his own video cameras and it's all legit. And you could see it over the course of the episode. Like, he'll be in the jungle for seven days. He hasn't eaten in three fucking

41:19days. You see it in his face. He's lost a shit load of weight. He's dehydrated. He gets out of there and sometimes he has to go straight to the hospital like he was really surviving on his own But they were saying listen what we're gonna bring in a lion. We're letting loose in front And he's like you can't do this. I won't let you do this and so then they said well We'll do it somebody else and that's what Bear Grylls came out Bear Grylls. I think't let you do this. And so then they said, well, we'll do it with somebody else. And that's where Bear Grylls came in. According to Survivor Man, I don't know if this is the complete true. I trust him. To Joe Average, Bear Grylls, if you were like,

41:53yeah, he'd go rip the skin off a snake and then piss in the skin and make it his neck cooler for the desert. And then at the end of that, they go, all right, cut, back to the hotel. He still fucking did that. He still did that. That's fucking nuts. Dude, imagine being- Why wouldn't you sleep in a hotel if you could? Like, what are you, stupid? Yeah. Imagine being the survivor, man. You haven't eaten in five days, and now you have to set up a camera to film yourself. You're like, oh, I got to set up a fucking camera, get my mic on. You're like, you're not even thinking- Yeah. You have to think about eating. It should be your main priority. Well, that show alone is a similar thing. They take like 15 people.

42:26Oh, I love that show. It's great. And they put them in like, it's not even like anywhere. It's like deep in Canada in the cold. And it's like 30 degrees when they start. And then by day 60, it's like negative eight degrees. Because you have to do it alone. Because they're nowhere near each other. Yeah. They're nowhere near each other. And to win the thing, you have to stay out there the longest. Whoever stays out there the longest wins like a quarter million dollars. That's it? Check it out. You don't know when the other people tap out. So you don't know if there's 10 people left. You don't know if there's two people left. You're just sitting there with your thoughts being like, what the fuck?

42:55It's a great show. They build like crazy huts and shit. There was one season where the guy was like, I'll stay out here. I kind of like my life out here now. Yeah. Well, my friend Jordanordan he's a episode he was on one of the episodes of the podcast jordan jones he did it and he's a real like survival guy like he's lived with uh people in siberia he lived with these uh these tribes that like they heard caribous and shit and he brought with him a bow and arrow so he killed a moose and then he had a—Jordan Jonas. And Jordan had to fight off a wolverine with an axe. What? Because the wolverine was trying to steal the fat from his moose. And plus the wolverine can regenerate, so how are you going to kill him?

43:34He killed a wolverine on camera with a fucking axe. They got to, like, hang the meat. If they get, like, a good kill in the beginning, they got to, like, hang the meat and keep it for as long as they can keep it. And if an animal comes and gets you, like, there ain't nobody there to help you not in time Yeah, fuck that Wolverine turned on him If it just got a hold of his calf and just ripped his Achilles tendon apart and he started gushing blood out of his leg 100% he's bleeding out before anybody gets to him They give you a phone if you want to tap out you like just one button and they're like yeah come get me they bring in A helicopter like two days later and they get you out two days later

44:07a lady got killed a few years ago not on the show but a lady got killed by an otter an otter killed her what a weak bitch I think I think if it bites the inside of your thigh I think you're fucked I think if it penetrates through one of those arteries I think you just start spraying and if you don't have a tourniquet and you don't. I think if it penetrates through one of those arteries, I think you just start spraying. And if you don't have a tourniquet and you don't know how to apply it correctly, you're fucked. I was picturing more like the otter had disgusting viruses in its mouth or something and she got her leg amputated or something. She was a certified swim instructor from Reno on a routine morning swim.

44:43An otter grabbed her leg with human-like force and pulled her underwater. The animal tore off her goggles and repeatedly bit and clawed her face, nose, cheek, armpits, and legs for about five minutes. She fought the animal off, used her swimming skills to climb up onto the boulders, though the otter followed her out of the water and circled below. Jesus. She sustained deep bites and scratches requiring 38 stitches plus rabies and tetanus vaccinations. So that lady lived. But there was a lady a few years back who got killed. I'll fuck up an otter, Joe. You have these conversations about trying to choke out a mountain lion. I'll fucking fuck up an otter. You wouldn't even know what's... Is this an otter coming at me?

45:24Is it a seal? I couldn't identify an otter. I think I would run until my legs didn't work and then accept death. I would just be like, well, here we go. Or I'd try to choke it. I would try to person fight it. It's always thumb in the eye, punch it in the tip of the nose, something like that. You got to get behind its head. You got to grab, you got to get control of behind its head. It's not a big animal, but it's the chaos of the moment, and it's the fear, and you're fighting it off. Most important thing is control. You have to control its head. And then pin that fucker down. And then you put your body weight on him. And then you kill him. And then I whisper in his ear, you made me do this to you. This lady was

46:01another lady. I was viciously attacked by a group of otters. Bro. Ten different otters got her at once. Oh my god. It's like the Cornell of otters. Man, Asians feel nothing. Tearing my arms, legs, and even the back of my scalp. Holy fuck, man. Yeah, like if you're a small person like this lady and a group of otters comes and gets you. I don't even think she was in the water. It sounds like she was out. Oh my god, she was in the parking lot. Well, that would take me off guard. Oh my god. If I was in a supermarket parking lot and a bunch of otters comes and gets you? I don't even think she was in the water. It sounds like she was out. Oh, my God. She was in the parking lot. Well, that would take me off guard.

46:27Oh, my God. If I was in a supermarket parking lot and a bunch of otters jumped out, I'd be like, fuck, what's happening? Is that what you're calling now, otters? Imagine, though, trying to explain to the cop. Oh, she pulled out her camera. Of course she did. Listen, I couldn't resist capturing a moment on video marveling at how endearing these creatures seemed. Oh, that's crazy. She was gushing about how adorable they were I was in Utah a couple years ago And I saw a badger on the road And it was at nighttime and I ran out with my phone to try to get a film of the Badger and the Badger puffed Up and started like marching towards me, and I fucking panicked like a little girl Like it puffed up like it's like- Yeah, it got like this. It got like this, like, what, bitch?

47:05And started literally just walking straight towards me, like not nervous about me at all. I think that's the energy of most animals. What if ducks cross the street? All the cars just sit there and wait? Those are urban ducks. They don't speed up. They're just going to take a soft little like, yeah, it's going to take a minute. Yeah, but when you shoot at them, they get accustomed to flying away very quickly. Yeah. See, this is why the difference, like, you ever see those Colorado towns where elk just wander through the towns? It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, there's Evergreen, Colorado. There's a place that's above Boulder. It's beautiful. And one of the things about Evergreen is they have a migration of elk that go through the

47:41fucking center of the town every year. So through the center of the town, you're hanging out trying to go to work, and there's 40 elk in the center of the town every year. So through the center of the town, you're hanging out trying to go to work, and there's 40 elk in the middle of the street. Like, here's one just chilling. Just fucks this guy's car up. There's a great video of a guy who's trying to talk shit to an elk, and it flattens his tire. But in Evergreen, there's like march, but that's because no one's shooting at them. Here they are. So they're accustomed in their world. They have patterned that, oh, if you go near the roads and you go near the buildings, no one shoots you. So that's what they do.

48:14This is an average street with deer in New Jersey. I don't know how long it's been since you've been in New Jersey, but it's crazy, dude. Texas too. But these are elk. So this is like the males are an 800 pound animal and they're wandering down the streets and they're everywhere but if you saw them in the woods they would fucking smell you and run from you immediately they would never yeah so it's the same thing with ducks like the ducks are responding like was waddling across the street because they know no one wants to run them over because they're cute like there's a massive fucking herd on the side of this road oh that one's got a collar on pimping what are these that's an elk because they know no one wants to run them over, because they're cute. Like, there's a massive fucking herd on the side of this road.

48:46Oh, that one's got a collar on. Pimpin'. What are these? That's an elk. That's a female elk. So, look, they're in the middle of the road, just chilling. Wow. But it's because they're Elk Meadow Park. It's their spot. Maybe don't drive there. You know, that's probably Colorado. Yeah, Colorado has more elk, more population, a larger population of elk than any other state. And you're allowed to hunt them? Yeah, you can hunt them. You have to get a tag, and it's hard to find them. So you'll find those that are in the towns, but once you go into the mountains, they know what's going on. They know the game is afloat. Can you hunt them with shotguns and arrows, or do you have to just do one? No, it's depending on what time of the year.

49:28So there's an archery season. It's usually early. So September is the archery season, and then you can only use archery equipment in a lot of states. And then there's a rifle season afterwards, and then there's a late archery season. I think on Long Island you can only kill the deer with a bow and arrow. Well, that's because you're in a fucking residential neighborhood. Yeah, you can't start shooting off guns. Yeah, but bows and arrows, even then, you've got wahoos like our friend Bruce out there. One of his fucking neighbors, their house got hit by a crossbow bolt because the neighbors are poaching deer. That's crazy. There's just deer in their neighborhood. They're everywhere. And look, deer are fucking delicious. And I feel like I could go hunting or I could just go right here and shoot a deer and drag it into my garage.

50:10No one's got to know. They come up and they eat my hydrangeas. I want to beat them to death with a baseball bat. Not your hydrangeas. I have a batting cage in my house. So we got a deer got its antlers caught in the cage. Oh, no. And it was, fuck, I got the video. It's flipping, flipping, flipping. I'm away in Denver on the road. My wife's freaking fuck. I got the video. It's flipping, flipping, flipping. I'm away in Denver on the road. My wife's freaking out. She calls the cops. They send a female cop. She comes down. She looks at it. She goes, we're going to wait for somebody back up. Right. Wait for a male cop. I swear to God, a male cop shows up. He's like, he gets out of the car. He goes over to it.

50:40Right. He grabs it by the neck, brings it down. He goes, do you mind if I cut the net? And my wife goes, yeah. He goes, you should ask your husband. These are pretty expensive. She's like, cut the fucking net. She cuts the net and the deer gets out and it runs away. And he goes, chances are it's going to be dead in the 10 minutes. Their hearts, like he said, the adrenaline goes so fast, their hearts explode. Really? Yeah, like most times they're so... Sounds like an old wives show. That doesn't make sense because if they get away from a mountain line, if they get lucky, don't they live? What a stupid evolutionary trait. If it hits 80 miles per hour, it goes back to the future. Well, he gave it the punch of death, so who knows?

51:15I don't know, but this thing was for like a half hour trying to rip itself out of this net, dude. Hanging itself, swinging back and forth. Do you think it's funny, Joe, how synonymous you are with elk meat? It's like a Roganism thing. If someone's like, hey, I'm going to do Rogan. He goes, what are you guys going to have some elk meat and gloves? It's just like the obvious thing. I think you've taken pictures of elk before. Oh, yeah. 100%. You cook it. Oh, I eat a lot of it. Are you a great cook? You cook all this stuff yourself? What is this? Yeah, I do. The condition's called capture myopathy, also known as exterional myopathy. So deer can die from extreme stress and struggling after getting stuck in a fence.

51:58Wow. More than just simply being scared, intense fear, prolonged struggling, restraint can trigger severe muscle damage and overheating. Will potentially fatal effects on major organs. If you wouldn't mind, Steve's got a big reading exam coming up soon. Steve, you want to take a whack at one of these paragraphs, please? A deer may collapse during the ordeal or initially look okay after the release and then deteriorate hours or days later. Signs can include weakness, stiff muscles, tremors, dark urine, and collapse. Who's out there checking deer urine? Let me check to see if Roscoe's going to be okay. And collapse. That's a pretty good sign when the deer fucking collapses. Generally, when they collapse.

52:38Yeah, dude. Driving at night in Jersey is terrifying. Or Texas. You watch them on the side of the road. Dude, they have a lot of deer in Texas, right? Everywhere. I think Jersey is the number one state for the most population I could be wrong about that, but I believe it is I think you might be right and they jump they jump out in front of your car and sometimes they'll jump through your window And then kick you to death and then fucking run away my friend cam He lives in Oregon and a dude in his town died because the guy in front of him hit a deer Oh, so the guy in front of him hit a deer and he's behind The deer flips through the air And goes straight through his windshield And just mercs him on the spot

53:08Do you know who Sideneck is? What? Sideneck? Do you know who Sideneck is? Bitch, I'm Sideneck No No? I don't know either I don't think I've ever wanted to know anything more in my life Sideneck? I would say he's a Canadian phenomenon Jamie, you familiar at all? He's Oh, that guy. Yeah. I've seen that guy. He's- He's side neck. Like he got paralyzed or something. Well, he's not paralyzed. What happened to him, we dug deep, deep dive. He's from Canada. He was driving, hit a moose. Moose came up on the windshield, kicked through, and his legs went through the windshield, and the moose buck-like kicked his fucking head like a cartoon. No. I swear to God. No. The moose kicked his head to the side forever, and now he's side neck.

53:53Well, it seems like his right arm doesn't work, right? No, no, no. He explains it all in the one song. He just side neck. The moose? The whole thing? No, no, no, no. He just leaves that part out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wrote a diss track on the moose. Why would you leave that part out of your origin story? That's one of the greatest origin stories of all time. He's probably waiting to get his legs under him. He's going to make it his opus. You know what I mean? It's going to be his fucking... That's going to be the wall. He's not ready to address that just yet. Right now he's getting his feet wet. Did you ever see cross-country runners get blasted by deer? Oh, dude. They'll run right through you and fucking truck you, dude.

54:31You're not even there. I think the one that freaks me out the most is motorcycle guys. Oh, really? When they're going fast and canyon runs like... And then you just see a blur of brown and then boom! And then you just... Damn, dude. And, you just see a blur of brown and then boom. And then you just. Damn, dude. And, you know, these fucking cats are on a bike going 70 miles an hour through the canyon sideways. And then a deer just jumps in front of them. Whee. Look at all this momentum. Plus the bones that you're running into and the possibility of a fucking antler going through your face. It's not good. Yeah, you're fucked, man. I mean, if you get hit, I don't care if you have your goggles on.

55:08Is that going to protect you from an antler at 70 miles an hour, like straight pointing to the center of your fucking head? No. this. I hit my head on my wife's fucking trunk, dude. You think I'm going to survive a goddamn deer collapse? That's hilarious, dude. No way. Yeah, fuck riding a bike and getting hit by a deer. Just having a good time, fucking freedom. I love the idea of getting a motorcycle, but I'm too much of a pussy to pull the trigger. That's not pussy. That's not pussy. Yeah. It's just being smart. It's reality at this point. Same thing. That's so pussy. That's not pussy. It's just being smart. It's reality at this point. Same thing. They're so fun. I've always wanted to ride a motorcycle.

55:46The only time I've been on a motorcycle was twice on the back holding a man's waist while my calves got burned by the exhaust. This guy gets wiped. Check out this. Boom! Oh, fuck. Trees. Bikes fucked. Holy shit. Yeah. Holy shit. this boom oh fuck trees bikes fucked holy shit yeah holy shit and dear watch this he doesn't even have a chance oh my god fuck i'll tell you the saddest thing i've ever seen when driving home in jersey is when you see a dead one on the side of the road and there's another one standing next to it, like just sad about it. Especially a baby in the moment. It's like looking out after, it's like standing in front of it almost so the cars don't hit, it's weird. It's never sad.

56:30The weird thing is the only solution is to have predators in your neighborhood. That's not good either. Because then the deer move out and then they start eating your dogs and cats. That's how California handles it. Like California with their mountain lion crisis. They want to pretend it's not a crisis. They fucking captured mountain lions in San Francisco and they check out their digestion, see what they're eating. 50% of their diet was pets. Really? Yeah. Cats and dogs? Yeah, man. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. They're monsters. They're fucking monsters. That happens a lot, too. It'll be a dog at the edge of a little lake in Florida or a bottle of water. Then an alligator comes out and just pulls him in.

57:09That happened when I was a kid. I lived in Florida. I lived in Gainesville, and this lady had some little poodle-type dog or something. She's just walking it on the thing, and this gator just came up and snatched it and dragged it into the water. It was the talk of the thing. And this gator just came up and snatched it and dragged it into the water. It was the talk of the town. There was one guy who jumped in and got the dog back from the alligator. That's what? It's a famous story, yeah. I would do that for my dog. Say hi. Oh, I remember that. There was a video of it. A few years ago, yeah. Yeah, it was an old guy, right? And he's like beating the fucking alligator. Let's go, it was a dog.

57:37Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. I would do that for my dog. That's why I get a big dog. I got a little dog, too. I have a regular-sized dog. I have a golden retriever. But then I have this little dog. It's a King Charles Cavalier. Here's the guy. Yeah, I have a Cocker Spaniel. Yeah, that's a little-ass alligator and his dog. That guy's getting his fucking fingers right there in the jaws, man. That's crazy. And he gets it loose. Yeah, it's a cocker spaniel. And then you got to pull it apart like how King Kong killed that lizard. Yeah. Remember? Just fucking rips his... It fucking splits it in half. It was a dinosaur, right? King Kong killed a dinosaur that way, right? Today is brought to you by the number one brand for better sex, Blue Chew.

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59:01Ripped its jaw off. That's what you got to do, that fuck. And then you turn that thing into a belt. Fuck you. You fucking cunt. But anyway, I have a King Charles Cavalier. I've never really been into little dogs. I fucking love this little guy so much. He's so enthusiastic. He's so fun. All he wants to do is just kiss you and jump all over you and he's like he's a puppy he's like a year and a half old but like when i come home he's like he just goes fucking crazy he leaps up i pick him up he's kissing me just squirming and having fun he's just he just loves being around people he's so sweet he's like the sweetest little dog ever it's like oh i get it it's not gonna guard your house it ever. It's like, oh, I get it. It's not going to guard your house. There's nothing.

59:40No, but they think they will. My cocker spaniel, she thinks she's a fucking, like a beast. She barks. She's like right out the front window. At least they let you know something's up, you know? There's an interesting thing. I have a dog for the first time four years now. First dog I've ever had in my life, so I never quite got it before. But I do feel this sense of I want to have more appreciation like there's no real appreciation show of a dog you're like man you were found in a box on the side of the road what's your life now why are you just staring at me why are you not licking my face constantly I'm judgmental of her for it but it is interesting but I also think that my dog if she was taken by somebody tomorrow,

1:00:22kidnapped, she would just be like, I love you now. Oh, they all would. There's no loyalty like that. They have probably a half a day of memory. I don't know about that. Some dogs get very attached to people. Oh, dude, did you see those videos of like what was the latest one? There was a guy who was an ex-marine going through TSA, and a fucking dog jumps over the TSA people and just starts going crazy for him. It was like his military dog from when he was in the military. Am I fucking that up or something like that? No, you're not at all. But do you think the dog was depressed without him, or he just saw him and was like, oh, shit. I'm sure Jamie could find him. He was probably okay without him,

1:00:58but that's his favorite person. It was like crazy. It's not real, Jamie could find him. He was probably okay without him, but that's his favorite person. It was like crazy. It's not real, Jamie? AI generated. No! Damn it! It was one of the first ones that got everybody. No! Are you serious? Seth MacFarlane. That dog didn't give a shit about that guy. Seth MacFarlane did a cartoon thing with that where they see a wolf over the ridge and then they tell the whole story of like, that's a wolf that he saw years ago. And then they get up to it and it wasn't a wolf and it eats them all. There is a real video though of one where the guy meets it at the airport and the dog doesn't recognize him immediately. It takes a few seconds

1:01:30and then figures it out and then starts wagging his tail like crazy and kissing him. Ari showed me when he came back from his like you know trip with wherever the hell he went all over the world he had his dog like at his house and what he did was he put his shoes down before he came into the house and they had him fit. And the dog started smelling his shoes and went crazy and then just started looking around the house and then Ari came in and went nuts. But he's like, they just smell they know what their owners feel like. Well, Ari's dog is a good example. That dog Bandit. That dog is 100% attached to Ari. Like when Ari goes to the bathroom here, it waits outside the bathroom door, just sits there.

1:02:05And you can't talk to it. You can't like, hey, Bandit, what's going on? It doesn't give a fuck about you. Is that good or bad? I think that was a rescue dog. And I think that dog had a horrible life. And now it has an amazing life. So it associates that guy with the love. That's my savior. Yeah. And that's the kind of appreciation I don't think this fucking bitch is giving me. Well, different dogs are different ways, you know? You don't mind that you had, I had a big dog, and now we don't have one, but we're thinking about getting another one. And the consensus is to get a small dog, which I'm sort of like, ah, but it's not a bad deal, I guess, right? Well, I have two dogs. So the other dog is a normal size dog.

1:02:45He's a golden retriever. And, you know, he's the worst watchdog than the little dog. He loves everybody. That dog has no favorites. Everybody's his best friend. Like everybody who comes over the house, if you guys all came out, he would just go to you to get pet, then go to you to get pet, then go to you to get pet, then go to you to get pet, and then come and check in on me. It's like my ex-girlfriend. What is it? My dog. It's any man. My dog's like that, too. That's why I feel like. It's like the 50 Cent song, many man. If my dog, though, growled at somebody or just instinct didn't like somebody, I would trust that instinct because she's the same way. It's like she loves everybody. So if she was not into someone, I'd be like, this guy's got. got it's like uh i wanted the power you touch him and see his murders he's

1:03:23committed and my daughter was super attached to me for a minute we and when me and my girlfriend would have sex like she would go outside of the door and she would just scratch the door and whine and it was the most distracting thing ever then i'd let her in she'd just sit on the top of the pillow and stare at us while we were fucking. You have to invite her in. Yeah. That's polite. Like a vampire. She started licking the sweat off my head. That's crazy. Yeah. Get over here, puddles. Come here. My dog has zero instincts. Like, zero survival instincts. He's hilarious. He ate two pounds of gravel. There was some chicken food. That's like my ex-girlfriend. Some chicken food got spilled on the gravel.

1:03:58So he ate the chicken food and then just kept eating. And the way we found out is I came home, and he looked fucked up. It just didn't look good. I'm like, you okay, buddy? And then he vomits up a bunch of rocks, and then he has diarrhea. The diarrhea has rocks in it. I'm like, what the fuck? I take him outside. He's running around shitting all over the place and throwing up. Then I have to take him to the vet. And they go, yeah, he swallowed a bunch of these. We're going to keep him overnight to see if he gets, see how it works. So he comes out. He's got an IV in his arm and fucking conas and that. A little bit sad, you know. And then what does he do immediately? He finds a turtle in the backyard.

1:04:33He eats that. Like, I mean, immediately, within days. With the shell and everything. He found a fucking turtle and he bit into the turtle, and he ate turtle shells. I had to take him back to the hospital. He had just gotten the cone off. We didn't really have to keep the cone on him, though, because he wasn't really fucking with his IV bandage hole or the area. That's what they, you got to make sure they don't lick that spot. But he was, he just doesn't have any instincts. He's just love. Like, everybody, like, if you come over the house, you could have a fucking machine gun and be wearing a mask. And you'd be like, hello. Hello, I'm your friend. My dog doesn't give a fuck about fireworks, loud noises.

1:05:10She's never, like, startled. Oh, my dog panics with fireworks. Oh, really? Yeah, he panics. The little one doesn't, but the big one. Marshall, he hears fireworks, like, ah, ah. He just starts running around the house and whining. Like, if you're trying to watch a movie and there's a storm outside, you're fucked. When's the last time you've really enjoyed fireworks shows? I love fireworks. Still? Yeah, my birthday's the 4th of July, dude. You know what I really love? I love cell phone videos of fireworks. I love going over my old cell phone videos of fireworks. Of ones that you saw personally? Yeah, you gotta watch them over and over and over again. Like, wow, what a memory. Has anybody ever watched a cell phone videos of fireworks. Of ones that you saw personally? Yeah, you got to watch them over and over and over again.

1:05:41Like, wow, what a memory. Has anybody ever watched a cell phone? No, I never. You film them? I watch the next day. And nobody ever watches it? Of course. And then you never watch it again. I have probably four hours of firework videos on my phone that I've never even looked at ever again. That's my feeling about concert phones always. Oh, yeah. Because you're not going to watch this. One of the wildest videos videos and this is before AI There's a dude He's got I don't know an M80 or some kind of a some kind of a firework in his hand and it blows off in his Hands Puerto Rican guy knows his hand sideways like you see blood is pouring out of his hands and then this dude shotguns a beer Oh, holy shit. He's holding his hand. You could see the damage in his hands hands blowing apart

1:06:17It's like a big Hispanicpanic guy yeah and the dude shotguns a beer yeah while his hand's blown apart and then it shows the aftermath his hand's like done oh my god I created this thing that I do the fireworks in like it was part of our play like structure it's like a tube so I put cinder blocks around it and I put the boxes in so I light it so in case it goes to the side oh smart it fucking hits the tube. We've had boxes turned to the side. It just shoots in. It's a plexiglass. Third floor window. How weird is that? We didn't have a tube. It went into the bushes. People were fucking going out, running for everything. Now I got the tube, dude. It just shoots straight up. So you do your own fireworks?

1:06:56I do my own. I buy like $800 worth of fireworks. Oh, you're an animal. Yeah. I love it. Do they have those things? I do my own. I buy like $800 worth of fireworks. Oh, you're an animal. Yeah. I love it. Do they have those things? Where do you live? Long Island. In Long Island, do they have those places where it's like a little stand? No, it's illegal in Long Island, so I got to go to Pennsylvania. Well, you get them, like in Jersey, you can go to 7-Eleven, and the fireworks, they don't shoot up in the sky. They shoot like eight feet in the sky. They're okay. No. So they're kind of fun. You get a box for like 40 bucks. Yeah. In Texas, you can buy nuclear bombs. You can literally, you go to the fucking, a truck that pulls over like on the corner

1:07:29of the road and you could buy things that you can't believe are legal. I've launched these fucking things from my backyard. You watch them shoot in the sky and you're like, that's a real firework. Like a legit Disneyland firework Just a cheese shit Six seven of them in a row look at these guys and that's what I look at the tube That's the kind of tube I have so yeah, oh my god. I didn't run Yeah, you could go straight up small fires around the neighborhood good call Steve. You could buy those a mile from my house Yeah, I think you're anything here do they get your mess girl machine gun Straight up. Small fires around the neighborhood. Good call, Steve. You could buy those a mile from my house. Oh, my God.

1:08:01Yeah, they can do anything here, dude. They gave Kurt Metzger a machine gun. Look at that. Well, I launched one of those like that in my backyard. I'm not bullshitting. Here's the Texas. Is that a success? Yeah, that's not good, dude. You just give that to anybody? Because they don't have to point it at the sky. Look how far that's going. That's what I'm saying. Imagine if you pointed that at your ex-girlfriend's house. You set it up on the back of a pickup truck, wedged it in there, lit that fucker, just angled it right. Oh, yeah. We used to have Roman candle fights when we were kids and we were teenagers. Yep. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's dangerous. We used to make chlorine bombs. Did you ever make a chlorine bomb?

1:08:35What? No. Is that the guy? I'm not a homegrown terrorist. That's the guy who blew his hand apart. Look at, his hand is below my- Oh my God. Oh, really? And then he shotguns a beer. Oh, that's not even the guy I was talking about. Oh, that's a different guy. Oh, that's horrible. Now, you're talking about what was in New York City, I think. I appreciate the guy's just like, well, this is already a situation. Rock and roll. Can't turn back time, right? So this is the situation. Only on once bro The toothpaste is out of the tube I'm already in my underwear There's no second take I'm already in my underwear Look at it dripping Dangling I mean his hand is blown His thumb is like The fuck apart It's like a claw now

1:09:11And then he just drinks What are you gonna do? Is that Uncle Lazer? Fuck I mean Can you find the one of the guy I wonder what's left of that guy's hand I wonder what It's nuts Before we Can we find out what happened To that guy's hand I wonder what not before we can we find out what happened that guy's hand Yeah, it's a follow-up. It's actually works perfectly. Yeah Maybe it's better All the scar tissues somehow held the hand together in a better way never heard of chlorine bombs We used to make those we were kids you take a two liter bottle of like an empty two liter bottle of soda You know the chlorine tablets? Yeah. Crack up two of those. Put them in the bottom. No, Steve. Rubbing alcohol.

1:09:43We didn't grow up with pools, asshole. Twist it, shake it, and run, dude. And it just sizzles up and it just explodes. And if you're within like a perimeter, you get like, you'll get knocked on your ass with a huff of chlorine. So you could potentially make one of those and chuck it into someone's window. You could put it in a mailbox, allegedly. Yeah, but it would take a while. The mailbox thing. Don't though. Yeah, okay. How much time do you have? You have about 15 seconds before it goes off. So if someone, it's like someone's window was open and you were on the ground floor and they were on the second floor you could like put the lid on that fuck it throw it in dude. That's the guys The other photo here is very graphic okay turned into a swastika was the other photo here. We go is the next photo

1:10:35Oh my god, so he lost his whole hand. Did that open? It's like Terminator 2. Yes. That's crazy. Oh my god. He might have kept a finger. Fucking A. No, at that point, just cut it off. No, the whole hand. Give me one of the robot hands. Just, yeah. Give me a claw, like one of the new gadgets. I'll get that little Tyrannosaurus Rex head, like they have on those stick things. Have fun with that, baby. Do they really have the ones you can just twist on and make it different? Like, one's a hand, one's like you can, you know, like a claw. Like for different usages. I think they do. Yeah, I think James Bond, one of those James Bonds. Yeah. That was a thing. I met a dude at the comedy store. It was this guy from Australia.

1:11:15And he got his hand and his leg bitten off by a shark. And so he had a carbon fiber leg and a carbon fiber hand. The guy walked around, no limp, and he could shake your hand. Light as a feather, too. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, look, you get tools. Whoa. That's better than a real hand. That's better, dude. That's better. Than having a deformed claw? Definitely better than having a claw. And maybe you could put a vibrator on the other end of that thing. It's definitely not better than having a hand. Definitely not better than having a claw and maybe you could put a vibrator on the other end of that thing it's definitely not better than having a hand definitely not better than having a hand if you put a vibrator

1:11:44on it how are you going to possibly get it in your ass there's no angle you could make an angle there's another attachment an elbow I understand it's like that thing you got to put between the front and back of the vacuum cleaner the long piece yeah the extension hose between the front and back of the vacuum cleaner. The long piece. Yeah. The extension hose. Yeah, it articulates. You have to screw something in the middle of it, and then it comes out. If they start making body parts that are better than our parts, it's going to be a problem. Because people are going to want to be cyborgs. People already get fake tits. They don't like their tits, so they get a fake one because it makes their tits look better.

1:12:19If you can get arms that worked way better and you actually feel through them there's gonna be dudes that get their arms hacked off but how do you weigh out like that it's not like the psychosis of people who want to just take off you know I mean like now that's a real gives people a reason who want to do and you know volunteer arms no it's I'm saying people who are like I was not supposed to be born with this arm I don't feel right with this left arm. You get it taken off. But you could just not have any regulations and let people do that. Like, if it gets to the point where it's that good, you could just say, yeah, you know, my body's fine. Don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those people.

1:12:52But I'm 42, and I'm starting to feel it. And Mike got a whole fake body. And fucking Mike is just having so much fun. He's got so much more energy than me. And apparently no side effects. So you just go in there and take your fucking head off and screw it into some robot body. It's weird to be able to take healthy arms off. Do you know about that guy? There was this one guy that was, he got, think he was like a doctor and he had his legs removed he he had his legs voluntarily amputated he tried to pretend for a long time that there was like something wrong with his legs and had to get him amputated but it turned out it was just a weird sexual fetish so uh and so i think he got his license taken away but this guy was

1:13:38a practicing doctor, I believe. Doctor jailed after getting his own legs amputated for sexual fetish, then making insurance claim. He made an insurance claim. Well, that's the crazy part. A vascular surgeon in England was sentenced to 32 months in prison for insurance fraud and possession of extreme pornographic images. That's interesting. Like the insurance fraud, I get you put him in jail for that, but is extreme pornographic images. That's interesting. Like the insurance fraud, I get. You put him in jail for that. But his extreme pornographic images, those are illegal? Yeah, because his chick, he met a hot young chick that was like, I love getting stump fucked, and I just feel like you can't supply that for me.

1:14:10Sure, you're rich. Oh, man. Well, it's hilarious. His last name is Hopper. That's crazy. He's been packing his legs in ice. It sounds like a children's book about a very brave man. Look at this. Hopper couldn't hop anymore. He claimed that the injuries to his limbs were the result of sepsis, but in reality, Hopper had been packing his legs in ice and dry ice in an act of self-mutilation Authority said the defendant was paying a customer was a paying customer of a since shuttered website that sold videos of amputations and body modification Including penises being removed so that's what he got arrested for as well as insurance claim Do you remember those videos from back in the day the body modification?

1:14:57Bme yeah, dude. That was a crap. I of it was fake, but some of it was real. Yeah, no, a lot of it was real. Yeah. Guys were, like, just, like, fucking sliced their dicks open with razor blades, like, crazy. Do you know Devin LaRotte, the world champion arm wrestler? Do you know who that guy is? Yes. Yeah, his brother was the guy who ran Body Modification Extreme. Shannon. Shannon LaRotte. I was friends with him. Really? He ran that website, yeah what an awful him take submissions for every day yeah is this good enough yeah the amount of shit you're saying you're gonna look at yeah I filleted my asshole maybe yeah packing his legs with dry ice to kill them and then claim he's got sepsis so he needs his legs removed

1:15:38that's wild the fact that people can sexualize everything is great That's remember how ridiculous the movie was crash where it was like they have to be in car accidents while they fuck mm-hmm Like it's a dumb, but people are in the that's not as the strangest thing in the world now It's stupid, but it's like yeah, I could see there might be one case of that I don't know if I have sexization in anything other than sexual stuff. Good for you. I don't have, like, foot. I never get the foot thing. Never got foot fetishes. Come on, a nice foot? No. No, you're a weirdo for sure. Nice feet are pretty. Yeah, for sure. Small feet are better. Size six on a woman? Oh, yeah. I can acknowledge nice feet, man.

1:16:14They, like, really get your dick hard? That's a slippery slope. No, putting it in my mouth, like, putting a toe in my mouth turns me on. Not, like, looking at feet hard that's a slippery not putting it in my mouth like putting a toe in my mouth turns me on not like looking At looking at feet that's weird, but if a girl puts her foot in my mouth a little musty after the gym Well I do nope This little piggy stinks My Instagram algorithm is a mess. And I had this one that popped up the other day. It's an insert that women put in the bottom of their shoes. So the bottom of their shoes, like between their foot and the shoes, the bottom, the insole is like a fleshlight. And she was sticking bananas, like lubing

1:16:55up her feet and sticking bananas in between her foot and the spongy part, you know, like saying, like, look, you could fuck the bottom of my foot. And I just shut my phone off. I said, I'm not doing this anymore. Just send me that video, Joe. We'll give you a chance. I just want to see how accurate. I know that, but they'll hold their feet together to create the hole, right? So they put their feet together, and then you could fuck the soles of their feet, like the arch. Yeah, I've heard So I've heard I mean feet is probably better than like wanting to fuck furniture or something like that if you could have a proclivity To something really bad, but I mean like imagine how did you guys stop being so fucking judgmental?

1:17:31Yeah, I'm just saying I'm pretty much one in the same. No they're not dude No, I just the list I said I'm not like a party stopper So if a girl had nice feet yeah, like I want you to suck my toes I would mm-hmm, but I would never I would never grab her ankle and stuff her fucking onion foot my face She got hammer toe. Yeah, I like a working girl It is weird the things that people can sexualize. That's what I mean. I think everyone's on a spectrum of whatever their freak is. Whatever the freakiest thing you like is on a spectrum, unquestionably. Well, that's one of the weirder things about this whole trans movement, and there's nothing against trans people, but there was a real thing that existed before people just identify with the opposite sex and just feel like you're born in the wrong body.

1:18:22Like, I don't know what that feels like. I don't know. You know, I'm not judgmental. But what I am curious about is whatever happened to autogynephilia. So autogynephilia is a real psychological condition where men get turned on dressing up as women. But they're not into men. They're into they don't identify as a woman. They're a man who gets turned on by dressing up as women, but they're not into men. They don't identify as a woman. They're a man who gets turned on by dressing up as a woman. It's been in the psychological literature forever, and that these guys want to have sex with women, but they want to dress up like a woman. Like now- Like the professors who wear panties under their fucking-

1:18:54Yeah. Wasn't like Herbert Hoover a cross-dresser or something like that? Allegedly. Allegedly. The website he was on was not just a weird... Oh, the surgeon that got his legs removed? Yeah, man. Oh, boy. What was it? Eunuchmaker.com. Oh, my God. A pay-per-view fetish website featuring videos of men and boys either maiming themselves or allowing others to mutilate them on camera. That'll get you put in jail. Is that not in the dark? It's got to be dark. That'll get you put in jail. Is that not in the dark? It's got to be dark. That'll get you put in jail. There's no hiding that. If somebody checks your search history and you have eunuchmaker.com. Oh, my God. Michael says his castration earned him $60 or 60 pounds, which didn't even cover the

1:19:33cost of his travel. Oh, man. I cut my dick off and all I got was 60 pounds. That's a good shirt. My castration. I cut my cock off and all I got was 60 pounds. That's a good shirt. My castration gave me 60 pounds. I cut my cock off and all I got was 60 pounds. Oh, my God. And the shirt. Dude, I have it again. People get into the most fucked up things. Is that just like a level of chemical imbalance that's in you or is that traumatized into you? That's a good question. Like if someone's just like, I can't even get hard unless this is a clown in the room. Or unless someone, what's the matter? I was trying to find what he got because he got arrested for three counts of having extreme pornography

1:20:09and I was hoping some article would say what it was and here we go. Steve? Okay, the first video cost Hopper 10 pounds. It shows Gustafson castrating another man. The second, costing 35 pounds, features a man tied to a bed while Gustafson rolls dice to decide which body parts to remove. The man ended up losing his penis and testicles and bled so much that Gustafson called an ambulance, all with the camera still rolling. In a third video, also costing Hopper 35 pounds, a man cut off his own penis and holds it up to the camera. Fuck. This is bizarrely affordable. Yeah. The prices, these are way low prices for an OB-Cost. It's like the OnlyFans, a girl will sell her tits for 20 bucks, but it's like a thousand dudes are buying it.

1:20:59Yeah, but you can get a bundle, I'm sure. Okay, but that's just showing your tits. This is, but it's like 1,000 dudes are buying them. This isn't the only guy. Yeah, but you can get a bundle, I'm sure. Okay, but that's just showing your tits. This is filleting your cock, opening your cock like a hot dog bun. I want to watch Steve fillet his own cock. I almost did that day, dude. Holy shit. Next year's up. End of the summer games. What about if you had, say I had a Prince Albert, would you think about me differently? Would you be like, oh. That's like a rod through your cock hole. The rod through the head. I'd say you got problems. I would say generally. Generally a dude get implants in their dicks their dicks are like bumped like you know they like for her pleasure like they make their dick

1:21:31Oh, yeah, ribbed for her pleasure. I went down a rabbit hole so Instagram they can't show dick enhancement operations, but they do link to their YouTube. And so somehow in my fucking pop up, I see this guy somehow who's looking. He's he's got this piece of something in his hand that looks remarkably similar to Renazisi's fucking fish fillet. He's like moving this thing around and saying this is going to add three inches and two inches of diameter. And he's like explaining all the different things this is going to do. And then you realize like, oh, that's going in a dick. He can't show it to you. But then he talks to the guys afterwards. He says, tell me about the experience. Like, oh, I'm so happy.

1:22:12It looks amazing. I look at it in the mirror. It looks amazing. And then it's like, check out more on my YouTube channel. Like, you got me. So on the YouTube channel, you got me so on the youtube channel You see the dicks you use your it's a medical procedure So large men you can look at a lot of dicks on YouTube as long as it's medical content. Yeah, so you're seeing these guys Puffed up hogs where they're they're taking this like thing and they're cutting where the ball meets the dick. And they're shoving this sheath in, this plastic sheath that stretches it out and plumps it up. Jay considered getting liposuction on his foot to make his dick bigger. That's a real story. It's not going to make it bigger.

1:22:54It'll show bigger. It'll present bigger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to judge it up it's a real thing that's what we got what took me out of it I went for the you know what do you call it consultation consultation and I don't know why I didn't see this coming for some I was like well of course he's got to see the situation that he wants to get in there and fix yeah so he just comes in and sits in a a stool where he is. I level with my dick. He goes, pull your pants down. And I was like, ah, shit. So I pull him down to my knees and he goes, now come over here in the mirror. And I'm like, oh, I don't want to do this part either. Now kiss me. He goes, um, he goes, okay, this is how your penis looks when you're standing naturally now.

1:23:41And then he gives me a fucking diamond cutter around my dick and balls. And he pushes back and he goes, and that's what it will look like after the surgery. And I went, okay, can I go? And I never looked back. I never looked back at it at all. I was like, yo, get the fuck out of here. That was crazy. Oh, God. That was crazy. Oh, God. That was crazy. You fucking diamond-cutted your dick and balls. Pushed it back. Just like that. Yo. Just had my wiener poking through his diamond. It was insane. Would it have been more uncomfortable if before he did it, you said, I want you to feel safe? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put your hand on my low back first, dude. Do you have gloves on? I want you to be comfortable here.

1:24:17Yeah, groom me a little. Don't just throw me in the fire. I just want you to relax. Hey, you probably love looking at your dick. Yeah, groom me a little. Don't just throw me into the fire. I just want you to relax. Hey, you probably love looking at your dick in the mirror standing up. Oh, boy. I'll never think about that again. That's what I'm going to think about. Bang. Maybe he was Illuminati. It is kind of crazy that with all of our technology, there's no dick enhancement medication yet. If there was, it would be out there. I mean, it would be the biggest thing. It would be the hair transplants in Turkey. I remember your old bit, dude. Remember your bit? The guys would just be chugging them.

1:24:5130 minutes before the first guy dies of an overdose. They would go, find out how much gives me a stroke. Take one less than that. That would be the problem. But, I mean, it's kind of amazing that no one has come up with anything. It's just like a problem they can't solve. Cosmetic surgery in women has solved so many problems. Well, when they say that they probably can cure cancer, but they don't because the money's in the treatment. Speaking of cancer. But everyone would get dick-bigging surgery. Of course. For sure. Except there's a few dudes out there. Viagra may reduce cancer metastasis. Wow. Viagra is originally developed to treat high blood pressure and chest pain caused by reduced blood flow to the heart,

1:25:34but over the past three decades has become the world's best-known therapy for erectile dysfunction. So what is it saying now? Okay. Sildephanol limits cancer cells' ability to make use of cholesterol. Wow. An essential component of cellular membranes. Cholesterol is particularly important for cancer cells seeking to break away from the primary tumor and migrate throughout the body and invade distant organs. Wow. Viagra can keep cancer from spreading. Interesting. Thank God. That's why I take it then. Yep. Interesting. I promise I can't get my dick hard unless I have cancer. Oh, boy. It's like that guy with the legs. Yeah. Give yourself cancer just to get hard. Crazy asshole. I just want to jerk off with an oxygen tube in my nose.

1:26:26I just want to be barely breathing. Just know I can still nut. Once you get desensitization, too, there's videos of pretty attractive women blowing and fucking horses. Yeah. They've been talked into this somehow. And they're not going, like, uh, when they grab it. They're into it? They're like, yeah. It's like, all right, we rolling? All right, let me suck this horse's dick real quick. Boy. And they're big. And I'll tell you what, it's always a surprise cum shot. It's surprising. It just blows their mouth apart. It shoots all out of the sides. And then they're like. There's a job where you have to collect the semen from horses. Essentially, you have a giant pocket pussy for a horse. And they have to fucking jerk the horse off into this giant tube to collect it.

1:27:10The horse fucks the thing while you hold it. It's like what I did with you. We did that one time on Legion of Skanks. Jay held a fleshlight. And he jerked me off with it. Yeah, he jerked me off with the fleshlight. Congratulations. I think I missed that week. That episode's gay. No. There's nothing gay about it. Nobody touched each other. But Louis did fuck the fleshlight. No, he jerked me off with it. It's not how it happened. Yeah, seems gay. Who was holding the fleshlight? He was holding the fleshlight and jerking me off with it. He fucked him. You moved or you fucked him? Louis' dick isn't big enough to just hold it in the air. He basically fucked him. This is a great question that we've come up in the past

1:27:42Yeah, is it gay if you open your mouth? Yeah, and a guy puts his dick in your mouth, but it doesn't touch any of the edges It's just occupying the space inside your mouth, but you're you're not blowing them Well even if it is gay the guy's definitely a bottom because his dick so small doesn't bang the edges at all hmm But you know what kind of accuracy you would have to have? You know how you play that game Operation? That's what it's like. It's like the most advanced game of Operation. And if it touches a tooth or a tongue, the guy gags. Yeah, your nose lights up red. Maybe like a Liv Tyler, like a Steven Tyler's family. They would be the champions. My dick could easily fit into your mouth space. No, come on. Shut up

1:28:28Because these things are you but I've been wrong about things before I was always like My dick probably can fit right through a fucking toilet paper roll But it can't or the head of a Gatorade bottle We got a piss in a car and I'm like, oh my. Or the head of a Gatorade bottle. You got to piss in a car. And I'm like, oh, my dick could easily fit in a Gatorade bottle. It can't. No, it's crazy. No. You got to shove it in. You know how many times Ari Shaffir. You make it fit. Shove it in. Ari Shaffir sitting in that very chair where you are is pissed into fucking kombucha bottles. How many times, Jamie? I mean, which one, which episode? Like multiple times per show. Multiple times. He just won't use the bathroom.

1:28:59He just pissed in a bottle. Does he tell you? No, he just pulls his dick out and starts peeing in a bottle. And then one time he went out in the hall and he pissed in the- And I had to go, Ari! Jesus Christ. Just the bathroom is five steps later. Just keep stepping and then you're in the bathroom. Stop. We were going down a really bad rabbit hole with Ari. Because Ari like- Remember at Skank Fest like every year? He shit into a Tupperware. Yeah, don't you? That was the better you on at skank fest the escalation during kill Tony He came out and he in front of the entire on has got naked Put cardboard on the floor and just shit on the core I walked to the room and Ari was playing with his shit like everyone's like what the fuck is going on

1:29:38I was like well, I gotta go. I can't watch Alan type shit. Yeah, that's what the fuck is going on? I was like, well, I got to go. I can't watch this. Gene Allen type shit. Yeah. That's what the guy who fucking wanted to kill Bjork did. Yeah. He played with his shit. He covered himself in shit and shot himself. If Ari killed Bjork, I wouldn't be stunned. I bet they'd cross paths with his travels. Do you ever see that one time where Bjork fucked some guy up at the airport? Like physically? Yeah. Some journalist was a guy or maybe it was a woman? But some journalist was harassing her at the airport. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like following around, camera in her face. And she just eventually turns and just starts wailing on this person.

1:30:11I thought it was a dude, but now that I'm thinking about it, it might be a lady. I think it's a lady. I can't remember, but I do remember the video. She's fucking this lady up. She's like, yeah, she's like trying to ignore her completely and then just add a note where it's zero sixty this person's like just shoving Oh, yeah, it's a woman. Oh, yeah, it's a woman. Yeah, oh Fuckin Farrell dude. That's you know so With the microphone too. She's fighting back dance. Oh well dance. Oh two years ago a funny thing a Bjork on YouTube It's just Bjork explains the insides of a computer and it's really her and she's just like It looks like a little city and the people go up in the elevator maybe and the wires

1:30:46are like the people maybe. Or she explains an open TV. It's what it is. Bjork explains an open TV. It looks like this would be the little elevator. It's so fucking funny That's a rude thing to just run up to someone And stick a camera in their face like that Yeah I don't believe Like all those like First Amendment guys They'll just stand outside of like a store And they'll videotape you And you're like What are you taping me for? It's like what's your problem dude? Free speech It's America You can do this And you're like I'm gonna fucking kill you Get the camera out of my face And then it's like a whole It's a. You could do this. And you're like, I'm going to fucking kill you. Get the camera out of my face.

1:31:23And then it's like a whole genre on X. Well, there's just too many people looking for content. I was going to say, if you go like this, if the response to what someone says to you is, what? It's like, you're already an asshole. Second incident. The second Bjork attack? Oh, she's wild. She attacked a paparazzi photographer after arriving in New Zealand for a concert. This is in what year was this? I don't know. It's 18 years ago, so it doesn't have to be around. She goes hard. She's like a girl Axl Rose, dude. Well, that thing says 2008. Okay. So she took a couple of pictures. As I turned to walk away, she came up behind me, grabbed the back of my black Skivvy and tore it. As she did this, she fell over.

1:32:00She fell to the ground. At no point, at no stage did I touch her or speak with her. Bjork said nothing during the incident, but her male companion was saying, B, don't do this. She's just wild. Yeah, untethered. Unfeathered. Yeah. She dressed like a duck. You grow up with an umlaut in your name, it's gonna create mental problems. Is she from Iceland? Those are wild people. That's a wild place. Iceland? Yeah, that's a wild place. I've always wanted to go to Reykjavik. That is a cold ass wild place filled with giant human beings. Like some of the biggest strong men in the world all come from Iceland It's like the mountains that guy from oh yeah, yeah, Bjorn. Oh, yeah Bunch of the strongmen It's like a freakish culture of humans up there. Is it just genetics or what they do for Kings? Yeah?

1:32:54Oh, it's like the magnets for Magnusson's. Yeah, those are the real Vikings the leftover Vikings And when you see those guys winning those strongman competitions It's like the Magnus for Magnussons and stuff. Yes. Those are the real Vikings, the leftover Vikings. And when you see those guys winning those strongman competitions, you got to imagine a fucking boatload of them. A boatload of them. Coming over? Pulling up on your shore with battle axes and fucking running out there on mushrooms. A monomarth? Yeah. Sounds awesome. They would be tripping on mushrooms when they would go berserking. That's wild. Oh, bro. And that's like, they're still there. It's like those genetics are still in those fucking mountains.

1:33:26Did you go there just to travel there? No, no. I just know about it. I just know a lot about Iceland, specifically because of the strongman culture. It's very weird. It's weird that how many of the strongest men in the world all came out of Iceland. And you see the size of them. You're like, oh, okay, I get it. These are not regular humans. If you were a pygmy tribe and you got in a boat and you landed in Iceland and you got out back in the day, and you had little four-foot-tall people, and then all of a sudden you saw, that's a totally different species. It's like the scene in the Odyssey where the giants are fucking running through the woods and just hacking them up. Spoiler alert. I know I haven't

1:34:04seen it. So good. I loved it. There's giants? I haven't seen it yet either. I heard it was great though. Trojan what? Even the people that were mad at it for being you know woke casting or whatever they still said it was fucking awesome. It did take me out of it I will say what's their name Elliot Page. They booked him to be like a soldier. And you're like, every time he talks on screen, you're like, that used to be a woman. It just kind of took me out of it. The only thing less scary than a female cop, trans cop. I've had nothing but pleasant interactions with trans men. Women to men? Yeah. I had an interaction the other day, Joe, with a woman to man trans man. We told this on Legion of Skanks.

1:34:44Oh, dude, this story is fantastic. So I'll give you the quick version of it. I'm pulling out of a parking space. There's a city bike guy coming by, and I almost hit him. He falls off his bike, and he's like, oh, what the fuck? Who is this urban deer? I'm a terrible driver. I've talked about this a lot. So I'm like, are you okay? He's like, yeah, dude, I'm fine, but watch where you're going. I'm a terrible driver. I've talked about this a lot. So I'm like, are you okay? He's like, yeah, dude, I'm fine. But watch where you're going. I'm like, all right, cool. So this woman starts screaming from the street. And she's like, stay right there to me. She's like, stay right there. And the guy's like, no, no, no, I'm okay.

1:35:10Don't worry, miss. I get out of the car. I'm like, what's going on? And then she's like, you can't go. You hit a pedestrian. I was like, I didn't hit him. He's fine. He's like, I got to go. He takes off on his bike. So she starts screaming at me. And at this point, I'm going like, I'll stay for this. This is going to He's like, I gotta go. He takes off on his bike. So she starts screaming at me and at this point I'm going like, I'll stay for this. This is gonna be like a fun argument. Why not? So I start yelling back and I'm like, fuck you, you dumb bitch. Mind your business, you're caring. She calls the cops, right? So she's on the phones with the cops being like, he's threatening me. And now I'm like,

1:35:32now I want the cops to come. Now it's like a whole thing. The whole block is watching. There's like 20 people on the block watching. It's crazy how not Puerto Rican you see yourself. I know. Let's get the cops here. Let's get the cops here. They'll probably look at me and think that I'm going to be the one who's reasonable. So then there's a- Do you have a mirror? A mirror? You fucking get the cops. Porn mustache. I'll wait for the cops. So then what I believe is a female to male trans. I'll show you. I'll show you. I think I have my phone. I'll show for the cop. Yeah. So then what I believe is a female to male trans. I'll show you. I'll show you. I think I have my phone. I'll show you the picture.

1:36:03It looks like Conor McGregor, but it's got a woman's voice. So it's screaming out the window. And he's like, why are you talking to a woman that way? I'll come down there and kick your ass. And now I'm like, come down here and kick my ass, motherfucker. I'm yelling at her. I'm yelling at him. So the trans man was saying that they were going to kick your ass. They were going to kick my ass. So then I'm like, I want you to come down. I've been waiting for this moment. I've been training for this day my entire life. So then he goes out and he's like, oh yeah? And he comes back with a gun like this and goes, yeah, you want this smoke? And I'm like, oh shit. Where was this? New York? This is in the East Village, New York City.

1:36:36So then I'm like, and when somebody pulls a gun in New York City or flashes a gun, I'm assuming it's a BB gun, a replica. Guns in New York? East Village, New York City. So then I'm like, and when somebody pulls a gun in New York City or flashes a gun, I'm assuming it's a BB gun, a replica. Guns in New York are not easy to come by, especially like a little white trans. Like, I'm just like. I like to say you've been waiting your whole life to fucking let a woman finally become a man so you could punch them. He's like, well, I wish there was. He goes, oh, can you please let me do your wife? You know, go get some fucking trans surgery. I'm going to punch you in the face. So the cops come, right?

1:37:00They tell the woman, they're like, there's no crime here. The guy left. It was like, mind your business. She leaves. Then I go to the cops. I was like, well, you should know this little man up here pulled out a gun. Now who's the Karen? Yeah. So now they shut down the block. Fire trucks on both ends. Ambulance. 20 cops on the block. Oh, Jesus. They're waiting to storm this dude's apartment. and I'm sitting there like this is the greatest moment I love how progressive you're being through this entire conversation I'm calling him a dude the whole time. We also don't know for sure I don't know it could have been a gay guy with an effeminate voice I'll show you the picture in a second or the video so

1:37:34So then the cops finally come after like 45 minutes They go into the building like they're waiting for whatever. And I'm sitting there. I'm listening. I'm at the bottom of the stairs listening. And the trans dude is yelling at the cops, and they're yelling at him. And I'm like, oh, they're going to fucking shoot him. This is the greatest day of my life. They're going to light him up. I'm waiting for a gunfight to happen, right? The cops come down two minutes later. Boiling to this. And I was like, where is he? And they're like, it wasn't a gun. I was like, what was it? They were like, it was a black dildo. He had a black dildo with a gun handle that he flashed at me through the window. Which, by the way, a black dildo is more scary to a Puerto Rican guy than a gun.

1:38:07It's true. Oh, my God. A black dildo with a gun handle. Dude, they shut down the whole city block for a black dildo with a gun handle. That's a great episode of CSI. Could you imagine the cops going into the apartment guns drawn and he's like hold on it's a dildo and you see the cops like lower their guns like what the fuck yeah I would like to have a dildo gun though I know like a gun like a dildo with a gun handle on it and when you pull the trigger the head swells yeah I mean it would be a fun thing to have you probably wouldn't use it much and maybe a lighter on the end of it then you would use it a lot more that's true oh my god a little flame comes out of a cock head on the end of my gun

1:38:48a little flag pops out of it and says bang like a cigar lighter flame a torch relax officers it's just a cock lighter gun easy does it holster your guns just a regular old gun. Easy does it. Holster your guns. Just a regular old cock holster. Someone said you can't get in New York now just like the rubber fake black guns anymore. They won't deliver them to New York at all. So why are you so insistent on being involved in conflict? No, I'm not. Conflict finds me. That seems like you're a part of it. I had conflict at Jay's Hotel before I came here. It just regularly finds me for some reason. And it's like a Larry David thing. Like, I can't let it go, but I'm not like a nebbishy old Jewish guy, so I fucking react

1:39:29like a Puerto Rican. You're a psychotic Puerto Rican. Yeah. Right. So a little slight, like, I kind of like, well, you know, and then it just turns, it starts to snowball into like a bigger thing. Well, I understand how it could happen. Yeah. Yeah. It's like when you drink and drive and crash your car and you're talking to the guy, well, it just started with one drink. I get it. Yeah. I know it happens. Just don't do that. Yeah. But I definitely, what we share is in that thing, like I'm the person, I'm learning to try to get better, especially as I get older. But like, I'm the idiot, like cuts me off in traffic and gives the finger. I'm like, I'm hunting this guy with my car for the next half hour.

1:40:02I'm doing the same thing too. And my hope is that I get on his ass enough that he ends up cartwheeling down the fucking road. And the people are like, are you out of your fucking mind? Like, fuck that guy. He's in like a shitty car. Like, who cares? And I'm like, no, it's, it's justice. We have to bring justice to the world. I had that. Remember Runyon Canyon, not Runyon Canyon, Laurel Canyon, how you get to the top of Mulholland and everyone would try to get into the right lane and then cut back over? Yep, yep. I literally drove a guy where I'm like, we did chicken all the way. I'm like, I'm going to drive him into the fucking dog park. I will let this happen right now rather than let this fucking guy cut me off.

1:40:38I want to drive him into the fucking dog road rage is the weirdest thing I don't know what it is when you get so angry at home You're like thank I didn't get out of a car. What a fucking idiotic You know where it comes from it comes from your your body's on a heightened sense of awareness because you're driving a car really fast So you're aware that you have to make split-second moves things are moving And you're going like this so you're already at seven. That's what it is. So anything that happens, like, fuck you! You don't go from zero to fuck you. You're already at seven. Yeah. Because you're in a car. You don't realize that your car, your tents, especially in LA, people are driving fast.

1:41:10A lot of people are cutting people off. You're always thinking. You always have to be alert and looking and pay attention because you're aware of the consequences. So you're at this heightened state of awareness. So any little slight that happens is like you're at war. It is. It feels that way, dude. But you got to realize that like in the car, like chill. Yep. It's hard to do. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody, yeah, but just don't chase people down in your car. It's a great Louis bit. If you have to go, fuck you, let out the fuck you, but you know, don't chase them. Don't, don't. It's a great Louis bit where he's like, somebody always has to do is like slightly go into your lane and you're like, fuck you but you know don't chase them don't it's a great louis bit where he's like

1:41:40somebody always has to do is like slightly go into your lane and you're like fuck you motherfucker yeah you get so angry so fast yeah for like the slightest little like they barely that's where it comes from what i've been taking to i'm thinking about getting a dry erase board to keep in my car because all i really want to do is i feel like i have the skill to say something that's going to ruin their day if they just see it real quick. It'll just get back whatever you need to get back. The problem is, now I got a knee drive while I write my clever quip. Maybe instead of a dry erase board, you can get like a LED banner on the front of your windshield. You can say it. And then you can just say it, and it'll print it out.

1:42:17Damn. They're not going to let you print out slurs. They wouldn't be able to stop you. He goes, someone's got tech money over here. Yeah. Well, if you think about it, there's no law that says you can't have that, right? No. Can you have an LED thing that shows letters? It might be distracting. Well, see if you have the middle finger thing. I have the middle finger in my car. He turns it on. It has five. So it'll either give like a this like, thanks man, you let me in. It'll give like something like a thumbs up, and then it'll give the fucking bird. Here, using an LED banner or scrolling message sign on a car is generally illegal while driving on public roads. All right. But you know what you can get?

1:42:55You can get one of those loudspeakers. Because I saw one of those survival trucks It's like a bulletproof survival truck and it has an alarm like like like a siren Yeah, cop siren and it also has like a talk loudspeaker attention attention. Oh my god Leave the road that would be great. I hope your mother gets AIDS carry on 100% get that installed in your car that would actually be hilarious. That's a goodie. And then you could make viral videos of you- Cursing people out. Yes. I love it. Bro, that's actually a good idea. And I think, let's find out if that's legal. Where do you live? Jersey. See if that's legal in Jersey. You got a birthday coming up, big guy. I hate those air horns. We'll hook you up.

1:43:33I'll find a guy. I'll find a guy and have it installed. You guys like to curse people out. What kind of car are you driving these days? Ram truck. Oh, perfect. There's plenty of room back there. Yes. plenty of room. They can get that Oh 100% They probably make it already. They probably make one for it You're imagining a much manlier Ram truck Jays is all souped out with like Like lights and shit on the bottom and strobes all Ram trucks are pretty fucking manly. Yeah, dude I love Ram. I've had a ram on the back you a two different TRX You ever have a t you ever drive a TRX? It's the most ridiculous car you could drive. Like fucking fast, right? It's like a 700 horsepower truck that you get right from the factory.

1:44:09Okay, sound and boom car laws. Plainly audible rule under New Jersey law. Operating a vehicle, sound system, or loud speaker that is plainly audible at 50 feet or more is illegal. To be fair, it's more illegal to chase somebody and run them off the road. But here's the thing about that. Using exterior mounted speakers, PAs, or loud playing sound from open doors, boom parties, that exceeds the distance threshold can result in roadside citations. Emergency sirens. More price. Mimicking official emergency vehicle sirens or horns with a car speaker system is strictly prohibited. The thing is, like, you can still buy those trucks. This is doable. Yeah. This is doable. This is all doable. It's like, they have to prove that you have that in there.

1:44:50But also, 50 feet is like, I don't need that much space. I'm going to get next to him to make sure he hears it. Right. Yeah. 50 feet's not that far on the road. I'm going to go, look at my face while I put my- Hmm, but clear, plainly audible. he hears it. Right. Yeah. 50 feet is not that far on the road. I'm going to go look at my face while I put my thing on the thing. I hope you fucking cartwheel home at some point and your car flips over and you don't have airbags and you're a piece of shit. This is weird because horns are plainly audible. There's no law that you can't just lay on your horn. Did you ever hear those air horns? No, there are though. Holding on your horn for an extended amount of time

1:45:16you can get a ticket for. I've done that in New York traffic when I've been the one that's like agitated and late. Do you know if you lay on your horn for an extended amount of time, you can get a ticket for it. I've done that in New York traffic when I've been the one that's agitated and late. Do you know if you lay on your horn enough? It turns off. It just stops. Yeah. And then it won't work again for a while. You got to get an old car. Get a car before the government got involved. Yeah. Now it shuts it off. A 1983 Ram. Haunting a car horn in New York City is illegal unless used as a warning of imminent danger. Well, someone needs to put all those cab drivers in a jail. Yeah. And violated fines ranging from $800 to $2,500.

1:45:47Wow. That's crazy. It's really illegal to give a little zap when someone's not going in front of you because you see they're on their phone. You give a tap. That's crazy, though. Imagine you lay on the horn and you get a $2,500 charge. I think a little beep. Like it's polite. Beep. Hey, you're not dollars. I think a little charge like it's polite beep Hey, you're not yeah, well It's important because every now and then people don't see you and they need to know especially the whole there's a whole Gerard Butler maybe movie or something or knows Russell Crowe movie about that like his whole anger is the girl behind him Wouldn't apologize for laying on the horn. He was like I didn't know the light turned green

1:46:18You could have just given like a, huh, huh, it's that simple. And then she was like, fuck you. And then the movie's just him chasing her and murdering her family. Oh, yeah. A second and a half sounds so aggressive. Like, just like a beep, that's cute. You're like, all right, you got to pay attention. But if you're like, eh, just that, you're like, fuck you, buddy. No, yeah. Right. That's your look for trouble. Is that what it's called? Unhinged. Yeah. It's pretty good. I'm sure it's good. Russell Crowe's the fucking man. He's like, you just do one of these. Just like that. There's no reason to do this. I had a Tesla, and the horn wasn't in the center. It was a button. It was a button on the steering wheel.

1:46:57And every time something happened, where's the button? It was never good. It was a terrible idea. You wheel. And every time something happened, where's the button? It was never good. It was a terrible idea. You need to be able to put a little something in there. Yeah, even if you reach it with your thumb, you could reach it with your thumb. But there's other shit there, too. You're fucking in a... It should be in the center. You just slam the center. You turn your windshield wipers on. You're like, fuck, motherfucker. The new ones do it now. It's in the center. You lock in cruise control. Fucking cocksucker. Yeah, it, the new ones do it now. It's in the center. You're looking for control, but

1:47:23Yeah, it was terrible. I hated it He did a bunch of shit that supposedly makes them better that I think is not good and one of the things they removed the Blinker thing yes, no stock now. It's buttons. It's all buttons now It's buttons so I fuck it up all the time There's no even the drive I have an old Model 3. You drive in reverse, it's still on the side. Now the new ones are just tap the screen. Well, the new one, mine, you swipe. You swipe up to go forward and swipe back to go backwards. It's like... Yeah, it's getting too like... Yeah. How about a thing, like a car? Because they're video gaming it for young people. Well, I think they're removing everything because they're eventually gonna get to fully automated cars oh yeah the idea is make everything

1:48:01buttons so there they have this these cyber cabs that are traveling around all over Austin you see nobody yeah they never drop you off at the right place sometimes they don't move you're sitting in there you're like support you're yelling at them yeah and the way most yeah no there's different cyber cabs like a gold gold it looks like a gold. It looks like a small cyber truck. It's like a weird gold-looking model Fiat Scar. And then there's other ones that seem to be different colors that have Cybercab logos on them. I don't know if it is a Cybercab, but the Waymo's, I saw a Waymo doing a pretty aggressive lane entry the other day. I was like, huh. Almost cutting someone off? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Just assumed

1:48:40that the person next to him was going to stop and just went right in front of him. I was like, whoa. Learn how to drive. Yeah. But it was like, they're getting a little comfortable. Want to bet this is an Asian or a girl? I calculated the amount of time it would take me to change lanes and it was adequate. I had an Uber driver last night tell me that she's like, I told her I took a Waymo. she's like man i don't really do that you know it was like you should smell my farts and listen to my music exactly but i was like she's like it's better than waymo's better than the old company they had she's like the old there was another company i can't remember what she said but it was like they were going under the assumption that that it would

1:49:16learn the car would learn from other drivers and it would have did is it learned horrible habits It was like going through red light 50 through a school zone and shit like it learned from actual people how to fucking drive poorly That's crazy. We gotta shut this thing down like I got in a way mo and it's like if you got to get like I've like 20 minutes get to the airport and Waymo says like 24 you can't be, like, step on it. It's, like, it's only going to go as fast as it's going to go. You can't, like, ask it to go hurry up most of the time. But then the other problem is sometimes you tell an Uber driver to hurry up. Sometimes they're, like, they pull over, and they're, like, get out. And you're, like, what?

1:49:54This happened to me twice now. What? Where I'm, like, having someone in a big hurry, and the guy just literally just pulls over, and he goes, get out. I'm not taking you. And then you can't do anything because they have all of your information and you can't like so you're just like what did I say like oh really you have to be a little smoother with it I guess yeah I'm kind of in a rush or what I don't know hey I don't you know there's not a requirement but it would be nice if we can get there a little quicker yeah because Uber and Uber each I think there's just no answer to anything. That's why they couldn't give a shit, I feel like, especially in the city areas. They don't give a fuck. Have you done the full self-driving thing yet?

1:50:27All the time. Yeah. All the time. I brought my car and they gave me a rental for a couple days, and I literally was like, well, let's try it. Went right to the city. I ignored it for a long time. I always like to drive myself. But then recently, over the last year or so, coming home from the club at night, having a good time at the club, laughing with the boys. I'm like, I don't want to pay attention. I'd rather just make a phone call. So I call a buddy of mine back home, and we're talking on the phone, and I'm literally just sitting down. And the car's doing everything. Stopping at every red light. It's fully automated now. You don't have to do anything. This must be a question that's already asked

1:51:03probably a thousand times. Are you able to drink? No. It's got a camera in it. And if you're drunk... I don't mean drink in it. I'm saying are you able to drink? No. That's what I'm going to say. No. If you're drunk and you get in your Tesla and mean drink in it. I'm saying are you able to drink- No. That's what I'm going to say. No. If you're drunk and you get in your Tesla and you say, oh, officer, I wasn't even driving. The car's driving. Uh-uh. Yeah. But you could be drunk in the backseat of a cyber cab. Yeah. But I have a problem with that. So if you converted your car to being a cyber cab and you just like- Just sit in the backseat. I think they should have a mode where you're allowed to get in the backseat drunk and have

1:51:32your car drive you home if it's fully automated. Dude, they're talking about- I agree. I agree. the full self-driving thing to giving it to blind people. And I'm like, I swear to God, dude, think about it. You put a blind person behind there. There's someone there, but they can't see. What's the difference between being drunk and being a blind person driving a car? Would you rather drive with a drunk person or a blind person? Drunk person. drunk person but also it's like you're relying on that blind person to use text to speech or speech to text to talk to the navigation system to tell them where to go and what if it translates it incorrectly because it does with me all the time you don't know what yeah all the time and

1:52:05with apple with the fucking apple maps it does it when you siri it does it with the tesla if i say something and it doesn't understand me, it'll show me a bunch of wrong options. So what does the blind person do? I don't know. But they were literally talking about, like, this is going to be the future for people just pimping. Driving around, getting place to place. It can also, you press summon. So say if you're in a parking lot and you say, come to me, the car will pull out of the lot and drive over to where you are. Like, say if you're at the supermarket, you've got a bunch of bags to put in your trunk, it'll just pull up to where you are. It's pouring out, you don't feel like going out. But you couldn't do it.

1:52:42You couldn't do that at, like, a gated, like, it has to wait to run the plate thing or something. You can't do it at the airport. Like, you can't be, like, you're on level four, and, like, you get out of baggage claim, you're like, come get my car, we'll come down. It has to be within, like, I think a distance of it. But that's only a matter of time. I mean, within five, ten years, it car, we'll come down. It has to be within, I think, a distance of it. But that's only a matter of time. I mean, within five, ten years, there's not going to be any Uber drivers. It's going to be all automated taxis. That's happening. When I first got a Tesla, it was like 2017-ish, maybe 18, and that one didn't do any of these things.

1:53:08That one did self-driving, but you had to stop for stop signs. You had to stop for stoplights. But we were on Laurel Canyon. I was driving with my wife, and I just had my hands off the wheels like look at this This is crazy, and it's just keeping us in the lane driving everywhere You want to go and it stays in the lanes really it was a little shaky back then I don't like to do that so I have the thing that's like if I if I turn that off all the stuff It's like yeah, it's like I need it if you get out of the lane But the new self drivedriving's got five modes. It could be snail mode, slow mode, normal, fast, and then get me the fuck there or something like that. Yeah. And I didn't put it on.

1:53:43Have you ever fucked with any of the modes? No. I just have it drive. Yeah. Because it's like- I'm not in a rush. I want to see what it, does it start speeding and going around people and driving like a fucking lunatic? It's fucking really good. It is. It's really good. It changes. Like it's really good. Like it changes lanes if the car's in front of you or going slow. Yep. Are you comfortable to not look at all and just be in your phone? No, I look. I'm still weirded out by it. What are you looking at? Are you looking at the wheel or are you looking at the screen or are you looking at the car? Yeah, outside. I usually do it when I want to make a phone call. So I'll make a phone call and I'll just be talking to a friend and I'll just be looking around.

1:54:12It's like you're having a conversation while you're getting a ride somewhere. It doesn't feel like you're driving. Even though you're kind of sort of paying attention, just in case, just in case, I keep my hands there. But I'm fully comfortable with it. The one Waymo in Austin, remember they shut Waymo down for like a couple months in Austin? It was like they were like, these aren't ready, because it was a shootout in downtown Austin, and the Waymo just pulled up right in the middle of it between the cops and the people shooting. And blocked everything. Yeah. Yeah. And also, like, too many of them get to an intersection. No one knows what to do. Wait, like, four Waymos get to a... Yeah. Well, if it's nothing but Waymos, like, there's 20 Waymos in one intersection, what the fuck

1:54:46happens? The craziest thing that happened was San Francisco. So, Waymos operate on LiDAR, whereas Teslas operate on cameras. So, the problem with LiDAR, when the grid goes down, so does a car. Oh. So fucking the car stalled out. Then Elon was like on Twitter going, I told you so. But this is why I don't use it. Really? What's the grid? I don't know. The power. Oh. Power outages. Oh. So if there's a power outage that's controlling these cars. They just stop. I'm pretty sure they just stop. Maybe they pull over and they stop. I don't know if they stop right in the middle of the intersection. That's like a hacker's dream, dude. Well, there's a lot of hacker's dreams out there with all these cars. Shutting down once it all

1:55:25becomes, we're all reliant on Waymo. So in Korea, a bunch of people got arrested recently in South Korea because they had hacked into their Teslas and they had enabled full self-driving, which is a subscription thing. Usually you have to pay for it. So these guys figured out a way, I mean, probably coders, like, why would I pay? Fuck you. And they went in and jail broke the whole Tesla system and put in self-driving and they got arrested. Damn. I mean. It's interesting, right? It's good. They could do it. Yeah yeah it's kind of interesting I don't even set up my Roomba I'm afraid of the all that stuff it's like I don't use Alexa in my house or any of that shit where people are like you have Alexa turn the lights on and stuff

1:56:05fuck Alexa but it's weird it's like am I buying this thing and this thing is capable of doing that and then you want me to pay money so the thing can do what it already can do? It seems like you're just taking money from me. Yeah, subscription. It seems like it's in the thing. Why don't you just sell the thing that does the thing? Why do I have to pay a subscription to make it do what it can do? I don't think it was a subscription. They're not legal in Korea. Oh. Full self-driving isn't legal there. Oh. Only US-built models sold in South Korea, like Model S, X, and Cybertruck, that have full self-driving that's legally passed Korea's safety regulations, the outlet said. And since Korea also gets Chinese-built Model Ys and 3s, most Tesla drivers in the country can't access the feature through traditional means.

1:56:51That's interesting. But still, same point, though. They bought the car. They should be able to do what they want with it, right? Right. Well, I guess they're violating the law where you can't have a car drive itself. That's a different law they're violating than just breaking the subscription model. But if you did that in America, I wonder. I'm not a fan of subscriptions. How would they know? There's certain car manufacturers that charge you a subscriptions that you could use Apple CarPlay Yeah, yeah, I have to pay for an Audi subscription Crazy to use the internet and the Audi and other things is a monthly fee It's a fucking USB C cable you plug it into your car, and it just immediately starts working

1:57:31You want me to pay for that every month? That's crazy. Because you can get an aftermarket one. Like I have muscle cars that have Apple CarPlay. Like a 68 Ford that has Apple CarPlay. Like how come I have to pay every month to use this? You're just stealing money. Oh yeah. You're just sucking money out of my bank account. But it's almost like, is an OnStar thing like that? I can't. You have to pay to have OnStar, but shouldn't there just be an emergency button in your car? Yeah. Well, OnStar, I think the idea is you're paying because there's a bunch of people that are there that are working. So you're paying for a service. It's not just the car. It's like you're paying for infrastructure. Yeah, yeah.

1:58:06That's a little different. But the technology in the Tesla is already built in. Exactly. It's whether or not you're just turning on or off. Exactly. Doesn't Tesla suck, though? If you have a busted tire, though, you can't go to some guy named Gus. No, tires are the same. Tires are the same tires. I thought they had to come out and take it to the fucking... They go through tires faster than... It's heavy. My Tesla's got 106,000 miles. I've never put brakes on it. No oil changes, no nothing. The beautiful thing about them is when you let off the gas, it breaks itself. The regenerative brake, so that's how it stops. I barely touched the brake on my Tesla. I know now how much distance I need when I see a red light ahead.

1:58:41I just let off the gas and it just slows down to a stop. And it's regenerating the battery while it's doing that a little bit. The battery life, depending upon how you drive, it's not the best. Have you driven in a BYD? I was in France, and they were all over the place. They had no Teslas, but the Chinese... Those are incredible. Insane. They're incredible. Insane. Yeah. Like, more comfortable than the... They have crazy ones now. Yeah. They have a new supercar over there that's, like, faster than anything you can buy in America. They're doing nutty shit with electric cars. But why can't you buy BYDs here? Is it China? It's a good question. Yeah. It's a good question. Call me gay. I'm an analog guy.

1:59:17I like my car as two pedals. I know. My wife hates all this shit. She won't even drive my car. She won't even. And I've had it for eight years. They work great. She hates it. It's so great. They work great. They really do. They're super fucking reliable and they're really fast. Like I have the Model S Plaid. Wow. And when I'm at a red light, it just goes. Like if I want, the light turns green. It goes. You're really fast. Like I have the Model S Plaid and when I'm at a red light, it just goes, like if I want, the light turns green, it goes, you're just gone. No sound, no noise. It's like a rocket. Zero to 60 in 1.6 seconds. You're just gone. It's awesome. And meanwhile, it fucking handles. It's awesome.

1:59:48It's incredible. But it's also, it's just quiet. The charging thing is what gets me. I was going to rent one one time and they were about to hand me the keys and I was like, wait a minute, I don't have to find a charger for this. The rent one is a problem. Yeah. But the thing is, if it's at your house, you just pull into your house and you just plug it in at night. It's fucking easy. Mine goes from midnight to 7 a.m. It's like a clock set. And you drive to the city and back home? I have two. I mean, the mileage is, when I first got mine, it was 310 was the maximum. Now, every year it goes down like 10 miles an hour. So now I'm like 250. It's like your battery in your phone. Yeah. After a year or two, it gets worn out.

2:00:25It becomes less. Same kind of thing. But you could get the batteries replaced. Yeah. I'm sure they have like portable, like an extra battery that like is. They don't. They don't have any of that? Have you seen the ones now? It's like a big deal. You can like buy a solar panel thing that you can bring on a road trip, right? So you got to go hike in a mountain for a little bit. You want to charge your car. You roll it out onto the roof of your car and you just plug it into the charger and the sun will charge your car while you're- Probably a little. A little bit. It's not like a supercharger, but you can get a couple miles back, you know, probably 10 miles an hour or something like that. Steve, you're an elitist.

2:00:55No, I'm just... Well, so what are you hiking in mountains, Steve? With a Tesla? Yeah. That's true. Do you do Tesla mountain hikes? That's what the commercial did. They were in the mountain. They were like, I gotta go on a hike or something. It's like the herpes commercials where people are kayaking. Yeah, they looked great and fit. That's not me. I know the cyber truck's very polarizing, but that fucking thing's incredible. Yeah. It's incredible. Yeah. You know what it's not incredible for? I saw a person hauling furniture in the back of it and got on the highway, and all of that furniture proceeded to fly off of me. Well, that person's an idiot. What an idiot. They didn't tie their furniture down.

2:01:25That could have happened in a fucking Tacoma. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. It was so dumb. Dude, in Los Angeles, we went to the Tesla Diner. We were like, oh, this is kind of cool. Tesla Diner. First of all, the menu stinks, but then the cool part, they had like 10, it's a diner. There's like 10 oh, this is kind of cool. Tesla diner. First of all, the menu stinks. But then the cool part, it's a diner. There's like 10 items on the menu. It's fucking insane. So the cool part is they have two gigantic movie screens. They have different movies playing. You can just pull in and watch a movie in your car while you eat, but they only allow you to watch a movie in your car if you have a Tesla. So it's like the coolest part of the entire

2:01:53experience you have to have a Tesla for. Interesting. Yeah. Well, that makes sense, though. I mean, why would they allow their competitors to pull into the Tesla diner? They let me buy a goddamn cheeseburger. A shitty cheeseburger. I didn't have a car. I walked right in. How was the cheeseburger? Terrible. Really? It wasn't good. It was not a good diner. The guy's not building cheeseburgers. You know, it's like, let him do what he wants to do. He needs a cheeseburger to land itself. But it seems like if you can make a rocket get caught by a robot arm, you could figure out a fucking cheeseburger. It's a self-eating cheeseburger. This is not rocket science, literally. It's true. It's a fucking cheeseburger.

2:02:30In-N-Out does it. You ever see the kids working at In-N-Out? Yeah, they're normal people. It's the one thing Musk can't figure out. The burger. It's always a noob to me. It's too complicated. It's impulsible. Can't be done. I mean, there's a lot of people that can make a good burger, farm it out to them. I would imagine if you're going to be Tesla, you should put your name on a solid fucking burger. Space burger. Lewis is a little uppity about food, though. I'm a snob. I have the best burger in the world. San Sebastian. Bardesi. What is that? Where is it? It's a place in San Sebastian, Spain called Bardesi. In Spain? You're a world traveler. I love traveling. I travel all the time. That's all I spend my money on.

2:03:07And I brought my son on a father-son trip there. Low age of consent. Don't get me. We went to San Sebastian where it's like a huge eating culture all of these like uh more michelin star restaurants per square meter than anywhere else in the world really and uh this one spot called bardesi they see yeah they specialize just it's literally meat like melted like almost like a cream cheese and a bun it's dude it's like raw it's barely cooked i took the last bite of this burger, and I got emotional. Like I had taken like ecstasy. I was like, it was the best thing I've ever eaten in my entire life. You got to take ecstasy again. What's the place called again? Bar Desi. Yeah, best kind. It's something about when you're going for like a thing you wouldn't eat all the time.

2:03:49Like not a very like ho-hum thing like a burger or something. I watch a guy on Instagram that says stuff. He was getting the fifth best burger in the world and someplace overseas that he flew for. And he goes, when he ate it, he was like, it's really good. It's a great burger. But I think with burgers, you're just going to find, if you use good ingredients, you can only do so much that's going to make it taste like. Nope. It's going to be, you know what I mean? A great burger in America is not much less good than that i'm telling you right now there's nothing nothing like that burger not even close and i'm i love a good burger that burger was fucking crazy i'm gonna go back in the next couple years just for the burger is it the

2:04:29meat they're using it's the meat so that's the whole thing is like they're like they spent two years developing like their meat blend fat to meat and like what what they use and uh yeah the secret ingredient elk oh okay so right back after these words it's from the older cows that's one of the things they do in spain um they they like to cook older cows like they you can get that at bizarre meat jose andres you know he's sp Andres, he's Spanish. It's a great place. He's amazing. And his place, they'll sell those. They sell these older cows, and it does taste different. It's really good. It's crazy. It's very beefy. Do you have to age the meat then, too? Yeah, they age them as well, but it's also an old cow.

2:05:10Instead of like, if you buy a ribeye steak from a supermarket, it's probably a cow that's only like a year and a half old or something like that. And then they killed it and they chopped it up into meat. They get them big as quickly as possible and they chop them up. When you go to some of these like classic Spanish steakhouses, there's some amazing Spanish steakhouses that I've watched videos on on Instagram. And the way these guys are cooking, they're cooking over like live coals and they just put salt all over the steak, and the steak has fat that's a dark yellow because they're just eating nothing but grass. They're never eating corn, and they're laying these steaks down. They're sizzling them, and you see these people eat them, and they're like,

2:05:47What the fuck? Marbleization. I think the best steakhouse in the world is in Spain. I think the number one rated steakhouse on earth is in Spain. I'm pretty sure Yeah, I think Ari and Bobby Kelly went to a what's considered the best you know restaurant in the world somewhere in Spain no oh yeah Every year like the best restaurants. It's Spain in the past like 20 years ten of the years have been restaurants in Spain They're very big into food culture it's like that movie it's like the menu do you want to do something like that Louis like the menu thing where you go to a place and you're eating this yeah I do that every time dude I do that too when me and my son went we went to three different Michelin star restaurants

2:06:26we got the tourist delight that's it Jamie go back go back but I'll tell you exactly the one would go back to that scroll up So I could see what it said no no no yeah, that's that Casa Julian That that place is is it like when you watch these guys cooking and it's it's generally these guys that have been in these fucking places For decades and they weren't under some famous chef They work in his kitchen for 20 years right in. You just watch it. You get fucking starving. Yeah, dude. It's incredible. Yeah, the preset menu, if you go to like a really nice, I went to the other day, I went to Hestia here. They have a tasty menu that's incredible. Like look at the, oh, Hestia is great. But look at the fat.

2:07:06See how yellow the fat is? It's crazy, right? Yeah. Like that fat is all just grass and they just put nothing but salt on it and they serve it rare like you get your steak rare it's just seared on the outside and rare and that's exactly how I love it fucking fantastic good it's so good do they have a burger I bet they do sure do they have a kids menu chicken fingers yeah it's Too much fat for me. No, my kids destroy meat. If I can only eat one thing for the rest of my life, 100% it's ribeyes. Please say elk. Elk. No, I'd probably have ribeyes. Yeah, because if you only had one thing, you'd eat fat. And the problem with elk meat, which I love, is that you have to have fat with it. I usually eat it with bacon.

2:07:51I usually eat it with avocados. I eat it with other things because it's just pure protein It's a much more dense animal a much more dense protein But like if you had only one thing forever, it would 100% it'd be ribeyes You get fat you get protein, I don't think you need anything else. Chicken parm? Take your vitamins. I go cheese steak. Hoagie. I think healthy. I would eat sushi. I could eat sushi for the rest of my life and be happy. Just raw fish, but too much mercury. Mercury. Damn. Yeah, you're not supposed to eat sushi every day. Do you ever? Especially tuna. Has your mind gone completely? There's no interest? A splurge for you would never be like a McDonald's one night. No, I'll have McDonald's.

2:08:34Yeah, I love those filet-o-fishes. Sometimes if I'm hammered. Good bun. We're somewhere in some town, and there's nothing open. After a show, there's nothing open. Let's go to the fucking McDonald's. Some of the McDonald's will fuck you after midnight and not give you a fish filet. Burn it down. Fish filet, you are under no illusion that there's anything healthy about anything that you're eating. You're eating a deep fried chunk of supposedly fish. North Atlantic cod. Whatever the fuck it is. It's pieces that they glued together. Tripoli had that fake great joke. It was like the play of fish is a dollar. He's like, you can't even buy a fish for a dollar. It's like you go to a pet store. It's like a goldfish is $3.

2:09:13That's crazy. That's a dollar. Is it really a dollar? No pet store, it's like a goldfish is three dollars. That's crazy. That's a dollar. Is it really a dollar? No, no. No, it's probably six bucks now. I'm just never wasting. If I'm eating a burger, I'm never wasting it on like McDonald's or like Wendy's. If I'm going to get a burger, I'm going to get a good burger, you know? Yeah. No, I agree. I mean, if I am. But if the only thing that's open is McDonald's, I'll say I'll get a quarter pounder. Fuck it. Yeah. Big Mac is where it's at. I had a quarter pounder once for the first time in years, like a couple of years ago. And I haven't had one since. But it was sweet. I was like, there's sugar in this bun.

2:09:45The bread. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I taste sugar. Like, it doesn't taste just like regular bread. I was like, this is weird. Yeah. McDonald's, like, everything has like a film on it. Like, the burger tastes the same as the fries in a weird way. You drink the soda. You're like, that kind of tastes like the burger. It was good. Yeah. It was good. It wasn't bad. You ever see the experiments where you leave it out and nothing changed about it? They always show it and they go, no, a lot of changed. A lot has changed about it. They have the one country where they banned McDonald's. It was somewhere in Europe. And they have it on display in almost like a museum. They have the last McDonald's burger that was sold. It still hasn't rotted.

2:10:15It's been like 20 years, and it looks the exact same. Well, that's why we're all fucked up in America. It's the preservatives. I mean, the commercials. Do you ever do a commercial? I did a McDonald's commercial. They have a chef that comes and makes the burger, so it's like the best version of a McDonald's burger ever that you're using. That's what you're eating on the day, but nothing ever looks like that. Like, they have someone specifically come to make that burger. I used to say that it's like an actress's headshots. Yeah, they're like, it's not real. That's not what you're going to get when they show up for the audition. At this point, if you get McDonald's, though, when it's hot, it's piping hot, you go, this is a good

2:10:50McDonald's. That's all it takes anymore. If it's just hot, you're happy. Well, you want to go when they're busy. Because they're turning over a lot. Yeah, anymore. If it's just hot, you're happy. Well, you want to go when they're busy. Because they're turning over a lot. Yeah, you don't have something just sitting under a light bulb. But like you say, it's always like a late night, there's nothing else. Right. That's a problem. But like, if you want a late night, I think Wendy's is the move. Wendy's is probably the best burger. As far as like fast food, reliable burger, Wendy's is pretty fucking good. You know, we decided years ago, we did an early Legion of Skanks episode where it was talking about

2:11:17those girls, those poor girls in Cleveland. Do you remember that the girl escaped and got out, ran to the neighbor and they were being held by that guy in like the attic and they were getting pregnant for years. No, they were in the basement. I think they were different places. Multiple girls. And he'd get them pregnant and some of them had babies. He would kick them until they had miscarriages. And they caught him. The girls got out. They caught him. He killed himself in jail. One of the facts of the story was every day he fed them McDonald's. There was a McDonald's across the street, and every day he fed them McDonald's. And we were saying if you had to live that nightmare, but you can choose the fast food that you would eat every day. What would it be?

2:11:59Wendy's was the clear winner Well the the episode was called subway counts because we figured out this subway counts as fast food There's an R.A. Shafir episode But it's not just what type of fast food you have every day the the question really was if you were being raped by a guy Who kidnapped you know what fast food would you want? I forever chick-fil-a chain to a radiator, but you're one pleasure a day you go It's like at least I'm getting the fast food. I want yeah, and when he's a kid when this is well now Cuz there's not enough stuff you have to ask us Wendy has salad they got baked potato Wendy's doesn't have breakfast you're an animal if you're eating a salad at Wendy's and pretending you're healthy

2:12:34No, but no one's thing you're healthy your're an animal if you're eating a salad at Wendy's and pretending you're healthy. No, but no one's pretending you're healthy. You're pretending you're trying. Variety. Variety, yeah. Well, in your scenario. You're chained to a radiator. I don't know that Chick-fil-A counts. I think this is a good time for me to piss. Hold on to fort, fellas. All right, boys. Unless anybody else wants to go. Let's take it over. Yeah, no, for me it's Burger King. Burger King has got a great breakfast. The croissant, which is an incredible. The original croissant, which the first people to ever put breakfast on a croissant was Burger King. Yeah. The chicken sandwich, the rectangular chicken sandwich.

2:13:05I unapologetically will put the Whopper against that stupid Spain burger you had. I love a Whopper, dude. That's actually crazy. Oh, is it now? You don't really believe that. This is the thing. Sometimes, Jay, you say things and I'm like, you don't actually believe that. So what are we doing? But you know Whopper, dude. That's actually crazy. Oh, is it now? You don't really believe that. This is the thing. Sometimes, Jay, you say things and I'm like, you don't actually believe that, so what are we doing? But you know what, though, dude? You appreciate it. He just might be like, I like a burger and a burger. I like that taste. Yeah, burgers taste like burgers. This burger, guys, I shit you not, like,

2:13:27you know when, like, you go to breathe and you kind of, like, do the lip quiver? Like, I did that when I ate the last bite. I was emotional. And then I walked over to a place, I got some Basque cheesecake. Yeah, but you have a lot of unresolved shit you gotta work out with a doctor, man. It's got nothing to do with that burger. It's something to do with, like, loss and tragedy or something. This burger represents something to you, Louis. That's the thing you're missing. Why, you wish you could've shared this with your father? It's like that kind of thing. Like, my dad never took me for a Spanish burger. Yeah, it's that. It's emotions that aren't, it's nothing to do. You're out Spanish burger. Yeah. Yeah, it's that. It's emotions that aren't,

2:13:54it's nothing to do. You're out of control. Maybe. Well, guys. Go watch Legion of Skanks. While Joe's done here, go watch Legion of Skanks. Skankfest happening. Three for life. Skankfest happening. Single day passes. Get them now. Ari Shafir returning this year. Mark Norman. Fucking Jim Norton. Tim Dillon. Christina P. Tim Dillon isn an officially booked. He shows up every year. Eric Andre for the first time. Oh, nice. So then I said, dude, I don't want to suck your dick. How about that? Speaking of Eric Andre, did you see him and Chet Hanks? Yeah. What was that about? They fought. Did they have a fist fight? I thought they- No. No, they got separated. But it's a fistfight no they got like separated but like it's funny like I can't tell if Eric's nervous about it or not for real because

2:14:39Chet Hanks did go get in his face and it was like they just don't like I guess I guess Eric Andre like you know he's like the crazy guy who does the stuff but Chet Hanks came on his show as one of the few celebrities knowing what he was going into and so he fucking fucked with the show back I think Eric Andre didn't like that. Oh, really? I think. And it's like, so they just kind of had like a beef going on, but he cornered him at some Comic-Con or something. Yeah, he was just claiming that Eric said something about him, right? He did. I think he calls him, you know, I think he just kind of discredited him. He was like, say he was the shittiest guest or something, maybe on the show, something like that.

2:15:11It was like, whatever it was, like, Chet Hanks seems pissed about it. But to have Tom Hanks' son angry at you, and then it comes at you, and it turns out he's a confused country wigger type guy. I don't know what he is. He does seven genres of music. Yeah. The guy used to do R&B. For real? It was R&B, and then it became rap, and then now it's country, and now it's back to kind of country rap. Well, the rap to country pipeline is a real thing that's happening now oh yeah like rappers are kind of figuring out like oh i could just do country music it's the easiest rock yeah the easiest music to sing like joey roll was a rapper yeah what's the name uh the other guy too teddy swiss yellow wolf no

2:15:48yellow country huh he has country now yeah yeah i think everyone just kind of it's like a transition to country music. I think you do a lot of bad things when you're a rapper and then you find God. It's gotta be weird being Tom Hanks' son, too. Trying to find your own path, and everybody's like, oh, you're fucking Tom Hanks' kid. Well, also because the other one is so Tom Hanks-y. The fact that this one's got neck tattoos. Colin Hanks. So he was an actor in a bunch of stuff. I didn't even know there was another one. Yeah, he's like a, you've seen him in stuff. He's pretty well known. Yeah yeah he was in the movie orange county years ago with uh he was the star of that kind of like a dweeby guy he's a total tom hanks so he's exactly he's like a guy

2:16:22who tucks in his button-down shirt on a sunday but like and then the son's a neck tattoo you know like like a code switch and it's great he got in trouble one time for talking patois and he's like i don't give a shit you're bumble, but they just made a rap song doing it. I half respect it all. Yeah. I've gone full circle. You get in trouble for talking that talk? Hmm? Cultural appropriation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so stupid. It's so, yeah. That shit's so stupid. He's wild. What's really hilarious is black ladies complaining about cultural appropriation while they have white wigs on. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like a white lady wig on. Like wigs on This is crazy like look at your hair. Yeah, I do have watching videos of like big black women intimidating like small white girls with braids

2:17:03Like take those braids out your hair right now bitch That's crazy, the take your braids out talk is crazy You guys are there to pick it out? I'm sorry Take your braids out is fucking crazy That means you're cultural appropriating or you went to the Bahamas yeah yeah or you were a Roman braids have been around since the beginning of time it's hilarious but again it's somewhere in the ether people find that people are told one day you're supposed to be angry about it you know what I'm saying it was way back there earlier we were saying like the blackface thing no one thought anything of it would bewitched everyone was in blackface when did it become a real was it the internet it must be I think it was

2:17:41really Ted Danson was like the one they put him on like the New York Post or something it was like big time it was bad when Howard Stern parodied Ted Danson way worse 10 times worse I think he's buried it completely. Oh, you could find it. Yeah, for sure. But, I mean, he's tried to get rid of it all. That's when Howard was awesome. He's, I mean, that was wild. It was awesome, but even when he was doing it, you were kind of like, I mean, it was on TV. It was on Channel 9. The UPN 9 show? In Philly, it was like the WB or whatever. Was that E! Entertainment he was on? Wild. No, no, that thing? No, that. That thing was on his Channel 9 show. Yeah, it's like his UPN WB or whatever. The E! Entertainment he was on? Wild. No, no, that thing?

2:18:14No, that. That thing was on his Channel 9 show. Yeah, it's like his UPN 9 show or whatever it was. Imagine that. He's doing a radio show every day. He's got to get up at fucking 5 o'clock in the morning, do that radio show, and then he's also doing a TV show at the same time. Oh, yeah. They were getting that. He told that schedule. It was crazy. What is this? This is Bewitched? This is Bewitched. Everyone's, yeah. Oh that schedule was crazy. What is this? This is Bewitched? This is Bewitched. Oh, this is crazy. But it's B-W-I-T-C-H-E-D? Oh, you know who had something on blackface, Jamie? Cody Tucker. You know Cody, the guy who was on our podcast recently? Had a thing on Joni Mitchell. Like Joni Mitchell had invented some character for something,

2:18:55and it was her in blackface dressed up as a man. Yeah. And singing songs? Well, here, I'll play the Cody Tucker thing. It's crazy. I think the song Time, the video for Time by Culture Club has got a bunch of people in blackface. Here it is. This is crazy. Musicians of all time and is known for her socially progressive messages within her music despite that joni mitchell has had some interesting moments when it comes to race she was once asked to introduce muhammad ali at madison square garden and told fellow musician Joan Baez that she was going to introduce him to the crowd as a jive-ass n-word. Luckily, she decided against it. In 1977, Joni Mitchell released the album Don Juan's Reckless Daughter. The cover of that album featured an African-American man

2:19:50named Art Nouveau. Except, Art Nouveau wasn't an actual person, but instead Joni Mitchell dressed in total blackface. Whoa. She looks like my dad. Mitchell has had an affinity for blackface for quite some time and is dressed as her African-American alter ego on multiple occasions. Joni Mitchell is one of the most iconic. Okay. That's it. That's crazy. That's a different time. Back then, that was just her being silly. No one even thought of that as being racist. She's just pretending to be a person that's black. Introducing Muhammad Ali is a giant. That's an issue. That's hearsay. All the activism she's done and all the stuff she's done, I'm sure the positive stuff she's done, that does get, for some people that just wipes it completely.

2:20:42As I'm saying, they don't go- That's one of the reasons why they do it. They signal to the base that they're a good person now and they go way overboard. When you notice men that go way overboard with the woke shit, they're usually got some fucking shady shit in their past. So they always get in the way of it. That's the Bill Cosby effect, right? Well, it's like a lot of these guys that went like, you know, I hate to throw Stern under the bus, but he went super woke. And one of the problems is if you go back through his archives, there's horrendous shit in there. But it was like, at the time, that was fun. Like, when we used to do ONA, like, it was shock jock. Like, we were shocking each other on purpose.

2:21:20We were saying fucking completely outrageous shit. And if you're a person that, you know, wants to be accepted by the Democratic Party, and you want to be, like, there comes a certain moment in time where you have to abandon all that stuff, and you have to completely buy into whatever the fuck they're saying yeah Yeah, it's one of the oath one of the best things that Jay ever came up with when we were like three years into Legion of skanks and Jay was like we should start calling it the most offensive podcast on earth So when people come they know exactly what they're gonna get I think it's why we've never gotten in trouble for all the horrible Shit, we've said you've also did a brilliant thing and that's you went subscription early on you're like look fuck

2:21:55Advertising fuck all this let's just like have this everybody knows what we're doing have the fans pay for but give them what they want Yeah, and you guys have always stuck to that. It's always you've never watered it down. It's always been chaos It's always been re shitting on stage or whatever someone fucking a fleshlight. Oh, I was getting jerked off by a flashlight, Joe. He fucked Big Jay by proxy. It's like electricity went through you. It's like that's the right way to do it. Kumia did that with Compound Media. It's like that's the way to do it. If you want to be that, if you want to go like the straight progression from like Opie and Anthony, satellite radio, wildness, right into that.

2:22:36On Opie and Anthony, we did that fucking thing where that guy, they did the big bird. You saw that? The baby bird? The baby bird, yeah. Oh, did I remember that? With me and Burr and Ari, and I think Ari might have named it the baby bird. Someone. But it was basically my idea because of Fear Factor. I was like, why don't you lay your head over that barrel and he'll throw up in your mouth and this guy was like okay And then the amount of puke that came in this guy's mouth and so this was on a flip phone You can watch the video so the flip phone is like terrible resolution because it's like 2003 or something like that I I was never more jealous. That's it right there. That was the amount. Oh, my God.

2:23:17Pat Duffy. Shout out to Pat Duffy. He was the intern. Look at foundrymusic.com. That's what all their stuff was on. Yeah. That was their website, sort of. That's crazy. Yeah. Remember they used to stream it live on the internet on a laptop? There was some fucking pal talk or something you had to get. Oh, it was insane. What a collab. They were rancid. See, watch something you had to get. Oh, it was insane. What a fucking rancid. See, watch the video. Pal talk. Yeah, watch the video because the video's nuts. It's either my phone or someone else's phone. I forget who got the video of it. But it's super low resolution. You know, this is like a 2003 video. Joe Rogan playing Caroline's all weekend long

2:23:58With the amazing racist opening up Pat. How are you that was Ari Shaffir? Before I knew Ari Shaffir me and Dave Smith would rent the the National Lampoon's video that had the amazing racist on it Yeah, and we were like this is the funniest thing I've ever seen. And then we met Ari. We were like, the fucking Amazing Racist. It was made by the ShamWow guy. Yeah, that's true. That caused him so many problems early in his career. Yeah. Ari has always been a maniac from the jump. Scoot along a little bit here. Where's this camera footage of it? This guy's got a really nice camera. Oh, what's he drinking, dude? That's a guy working for ONA. He's going for 75. Does he have to open his mouth? So he's at 75 shots of eggnog.

2:24:46And also he's diabetic. So there's the beginning. So here's the start. So he drinks the last one. So there's the beginning. So here's the start. So he drinks the last one. So that's the beginning. But no, it's impossible volume. The volume is impossible. Look at that. Oh, my God. No, no, no. It keeps going. Keep going. No, it goes beyond real. It's like cartoonish. Like you can't believe it's real. Watch this. Here it comes. He's going to hang. Like you can't believe it's real. Watch this. Here it comes. He's gonna hang in there. Here he goes. He's holding on. I'm laughing. We lost Jimmy. That guy's covered. We're artists. Here he goes. But no, you're still not stunned enough. Here it comes.

2:25:33A thunderous round of applause. This is not over by any means. you're still not stunned enough. Here it comes. This is not over by any means. Who's the person getting vomited into their mouth? That's Pat Duffy. Kid's an animal. Where's the rest of it? Oh, you must have cut it out of the beginning. Did you just fast forward? Not really. Oh! He covers his clothes at one point. Oh, my God. Watch this. Like that one. That's insanity. He threw up in his mouth. And again. He threw up in his mouth like five fucking times. That show ended like a rock band. Yeah. Like the way they all just fucking. There it is. There's the big one. I came right at the end of Opie and Anthony. Oh, it was so fun. And I started doing Ron and Fez, Pennington.

2:26:31Those guys were great too. Great. It was my favorite time ever doing radio. It was like the one radio that I would look forward to. Because it was, I always say that that's the birth of podcasting. Me and Colm were talking about it yesterday. That's how it started. Because it was so open-ended. They just let you do whatever. It was just a hang. Yeah, there was no, like, give me three topics you want to bring up and you can do jokes about them. And they didn't have segments that they had to get to. And they were smarter than Stern because they would bring in comics, like good comics. Yeah, killers, dude. And they would sit back and let everyone just fuck with each other. At the time that Stern wasn't accepting any new.

2:27:03You know what I mean? Yeah, they built that voice. The comics that Stern had was like they weren't good comedians. They became comedians because they had like a name from the Stern show. No, you're going a different direction. I'm talking about when he would have guests. There's another angle. He had Sam Kinison early game. Oh, my God. He had Kinison. He had all those guys on, but Howard would do an interview, and he would control the interview. The difference between that and ONA is ONA was just a hang. It was like, Lewis, what's going on? You would sit down. Norton would start shitting on you. Voss would shit on you. It would get crazy. Patrice would shit on you. It would get crazy. Patrice would shit on you.

2:27:35It was just everybody laughing, everybody having fun. One of my favorite moments, if you're a podcast fan or if you are a podcaster, go watch the first time Voss brought Patrice O'Neill into O.B. and Anthony. And within three seconds, Patrice just takes over. He starts trashing Voss. Within ten seconds, he's trashing Voss. And it's one of the most brilliant like just comfortable like just immediately so comfortable and just took over the room and out like out alpha to everybody He'd be in prison today That was the birth of podcasting and then you know all the stuff that we do whether you guys do legion skanks all that stuff Oh, we're direct descendants. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of our early fans were like oh this is like a continuation of ob and anthony

2:28:19yeah people still like that still fun like people don't want to be lectured and scolded and talked down to and fucking be told what words to use and not words to use fuck you i'm just tired of it they want just people talking shit and being entertained the same way You do when you're hanging out at a bar the same way you do when you go over your friend's house You have a couple beers. That's how people talk. Yeah I was gonna say with the Stern thing. Do you think like I I'm so I was such a fan for so long I stayed in there like pretty close till now But I don't really listen anymore now because it's not that he got woke as a thing I guess it is more that than like where he changed a lot of people complain

2:28:56But I do understand age getting to a point where you're like why I don't want to do like the pussy Olympics Yeah, the porn stars yeah, I got aging out of that me his daughters, or you know I'd same thing yet Dave Smith But like I'm seeing age out of it, but it's also like to have it all go so like I mean He's like interviewed everyone that was like his enemy Like but they interviewed them in a way where it's like hey Kathy Lee Gifford Remember I made fun of you now tell me about this lovely song you wrote for your dead husband, which is like crazy Yeah, like an awful thing. She wrote like he's just like now. It's like he's like we're at dinner parties together So I think he's like he's not going at him like that anymore

2:29:32Well, it's gotta be weird man because like when he was doing it in the early days, there was no internet. So there was no feedback. And one of the things I remember in the early days of Twitter, like he used to get on Twitter. They used to get on Instagram and you'd read the comments. And they were fucking horrendous. Vicious. Because that's what you've cultivated. You've cultivated a bunch of vicious people. Like, remember the pests from ONA? Yeah. They were the most vicious. And then they turned on Opie and Anthony, which is the funniest part of all of it. Yep. Like, they just started, it became a game to just torture the hosts of that show. Oh, God. They're animals. And they were having fun.

2:30:11And it's like, look, this is what you've set up. This is a culture you've set up. Yeah. And so I don't think you like that and then there was also Like once the internet came around then the woke shit started happening And then people started finding stuff that he had said and done and he was getting attacked for it But you've never been attacked his whole life the internet made virtue signaling very easy And that's like it's an addictive thing it's the only time somebody will get like 10 likes on a post right because they're like saying This thing that it's like it's an addictive thing it's the only time somebody will get like 10 likes on a post right because they're like saying this Thing that it's like oh look. I'm holier than thou and then they get a little attention, and you're like oh cool

2:30:38That's that's valuable to me So most attention I've ever gotten in my life how it's also had an army behind him at one point whenever when shit did come At him there was like an army screaming a lot louder that armies now like you know well the internet Handfuls of you know our tired pipe fitters and different thing It was all that was before the internet you have to really take that in into consideration like he was the real original pioneer He was the one doing crazy shit getting fined by the government But there was no feedback and there was no other people and he would like controlled mark He would attack whoever was in the market and he would go into it to just say horrible things about their families horrible thing

2:31:13But also the and also everybody's copying him. Yeah, true. Like if you're talking on radio, he's like, everyone's copying me. And it's like, he's not wrong. He's right. But he didn't accept kudos for that. Like, yeah. Like, it's like, you're awesome, so we want to do it too. He's like, we'll all end you for trying to be into doing comedy. It's like, well, you can't be the only funny radio thing ever. You opened up a genre now. Yeah, you can't be hating other dudes who are doing the same shit you do and you could be the only one. That's crazy. Once he got SiriusXM he stopped giving a shit about FM. Now everybody all of a sudden was like, guy's a great broadcaster. That's all he says now in hindsight. Well, the other thing was that

2:31:47when you think about back then, there was only a few slots. So there was one morning slot from 6am to 10am that everybody wanted. That was the drive time morning and Howard owned that. He owned that synd morning slot from 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. that everybody wanted. That was the drive time morning and Howard owned that. He owned that syndicated all across the country. So as soon as the internet came around, no one's competing for slots anymore. Now it's wide open, the podcast goes out, the whole world. So everybody realized this isn't a feast or famine anymore. It's not like if you guys have a show, then I can't have a show because that slot is taking up on WXM radio. Yeah. That doesn't exist. No.

2:32:16So it's just wide open. So then everybody was cool and they weren't, like in the old days of like the Tonight Show, like you heard about like Jay Leno hiding in the closet while they're talking about David Letterman. Letterman stuff, yeah. They were all like fighting against each other because there was only scraps. Few spots. There was only a tiny amount of spots and there was a million guys who wanted to host the Tonight Show. Yes, Stern comes from that era of being like, I have to be the best or everyone else is going to catch up to me. Yeah, a different attitude. Those antiquated comedy ideas are great. I mean, even in my time in comedy, I remember the nights of like, ABC scouts are in the audience.

2:32:49It's like, what the fuck? Okay. It's just shit. But there was a time when it was like, all right, they put me on that NBC showcase happening over at this comedy club. And you realize it means nothing jack shit ever. HBO's doing a showcase. Certainly doesn't now. In the 90s it meant something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the 90s you get a development deal and it would change your fucking life. Everybody did. And then there was that poor guy who killed himself. Chicken. They always used his name. Oh, God. Michael Roof, right? Michael Chicken Roof. I don't know what his real name that poor guy who killed himself. Chicken. They always used his name. Oh, God. Michael Roof, right? Michael Chicken Roof? I don't know what his real name was.

2:33:17Michael Roof. I just knew it was Chicken. But he got, because he became, you know, who knows why he killed himself ultimately, but I guess it was always thought was because he became the name associated with, well, you can go to New Faces now, but you're probably not walking out of there with a definite deal. You know, one, two guys are going to go home with a deal. But it used to be, if you went to New Faces, was like you're coming back with a holding or development or something. Well, you should say why. Why him? What was it? I don't know. I'm not sure. He got the biggest deal ever. Oh, yeah. You got the million-dollar deal, right? It was confusing. And not to disparage Deadman, but it was confusing.

2:33:49You would watch his comedy, you're like, what are they laughing at? I don't understand. And agents, a lot of agents, especially the young ones, these are young kids. They don't understand comedy. They don't know what the fuck is going on. They just hear noise like, he's amazing. He's so talented. And so they signed this guy to some huge fucking deal. It was like the biggest development deal they'd ever signed anybody to. And it all fell apart. Nothing happened. And then years later, he wound up killing himself because his career just. Yeah. And he hung himself in front of a school Oh, yeah, it's like lower like what's the other one? Did you guys say you've never heard of this before I was Ollie Joe Prater

2:34:22Oh, yeah, I who like they put us they put a tarp over him like for this Remember the rack that's he's drive Mitzi they had that picture of him on the Comedy Store back room Ollie Joe the big Limo and stuff yeah, stuff. Yeah, I think he died and they had to put a tarp over him or something like that. No, no, I heard he was just so, he couldn't make it to the stage. So he'd sit during his set. So he'd sit during his set and they'd put a tarp over him and they would throw him. When the feature act was done, they would just remove the tarp and he would start doing the show. You think there's like a fucking... Oh my god, that's crazy. You thought it was like a drum kit or something? That's crazy.

2:34:57He had to position himself on stage. Under a tarp. Give it up for Ralphie May because no matter how big he got, he walked up and in there. He fucking walked that walk up to that goddamn microphone. Oh god. Could you imagine Ralphie getting the back? That's the end of Ralphie. Lift up the cart. Towards the end I saw Ralphie. That was back. We got to position you. That's the end of Ralphie. Lift up the cart. Towards the end, I saw Ralphie. That was wild, like being taken around Bonnaroo on his own golf cart, like on the back, just dominating the space. And then his people would set him up with a chair right in the pit of the music at Bonnaroo. I remember Kendrick Lamar was on, and it was thumping.

2:35:30And he'll go over, and he's like asleep in his chair in front of a stack of Marshalls. He's like, sleep in a chair in front of a stack of Marshalls That's why Ari ended up that was thing our flights all got fucked up going home from Bonnaroo and Ari's flight got canceled and we were scaring to try to get new flights and he goes I think I'm gonna go stay with a Ralphie for you. I don't know how much longer we're gonna He passed like months later. Wow yeah, I kind of saw that coming. That's that RE6 sense. Yeah. The Ralphie one was a bummer because he had a bunch of operations too. The weight loss ones, right? Yeah, he had his stomach stabled a couple times and blew through it. Jesus. Tenacious. Yeah, he had whatever the operation

2:36:07was, he ate through the operation. So he busted it out and he had to get it redone. That's wild. Yeah, multiple times. One time I worked with him, he was carrying, I think he had a catheter that came out of his pants into a briefcase he was holding. You just have a dick tube in right now while you're talking to me? That's tough. He's still doing his shows. Carrying around a briefcase full of piss. Killing. Fucking killing, dude. Sat down on the stool yeah yeah and I was like is there a cable that goes in his pants that's my piss y'all Ralphie made Ralphie at Dublin's remember Dublin's oh yeah dude he used to shake that fucking place up dude he would murder Ralphie would murder and he had a pace to him

2:36:47yeah Ralphie knew how to like he hit that pace that bang bang bang and with that southern accent oh yeah yeah he was a Houston guy you know there was a great crap great crop of talent that came out of the laugh stop in Houston for a while a bunch of good guys like Maddie Kirsch came out of there there's a bunch of other funny guys that just never fucking made it but they were good man they were like really funny comics Boston had a ton of that oh yeah well Boston better than- Boston was like the scene- But notoriously, Boston's got guys that are like, no one can believe why Steve Sweeney was never like his own star in some way. Oh, yeah. No, for sure. But what came out of that Houston scene was Kinison and Hicks.

2:37:26They both came out of that scene. The last stop. Yeah. That was a fucking incredible club, man. I worked for the lady's son took it over when she got sick or passed or whatever. Yeah, I worked for him. Yeah, yeah. And then he opened up another one that was outside. They closed locations and moved to a different location and it wasn't as good. That was one when Ari went up with a Hitler mustache on. Ari had a beard and he's like, I think I'm going to grow a Hitler mustache. I'm like, well, you can. A black guy could say the N-word. You could wear a Hitler mustache. Go up there. One time on Legion of Skanks back in the day, we did some sort of challenge. Whatever it was, the punishment for Ari was, though, me, Dave Smith, and Big Jay shaved

2:38:07all of our pubes, and we glued them to Ari to make a Hitler mustache. You could probably find the picture. You could find the video. I don't know if I've laughed this hard in 30 years. It's the funniest. His face is so, he hates it. I had spirit gum. We put spirit gum, and I took the pubes, and it was me. I put the pubes on his face, and when I move my fingers away. It's the reveals. It's the funniest thing. World class. On the planet. He's all right here. See, this is a direct transition between the planet. He's right here. See, this is a direct transition between the baby bird and this. Yeah. Oh, he's trying to move his nose out of the way. This is a three-man job. Who's that guy? Sexy Dave Smith.

2:38:45Young Dave. There you are, dude. Young Dave. You hit my line. Before Dave got political. Yeah. Oh, my God. You're like a perfect Hitler, man. A Hitler mustache. Holy shit. got political yeah oh my god you take the sickest perverted fucking happiness Oh, my God. I've never been happier than in that moment. That was my peak. Oh, my God. That's so funny. Good God. He's an animal. Yeah, I had to hold his asshole open once while he got his asshole bleached. Triply bleached. It was our punishment. I had to hold his asshole. We've held all his assholes open. One time I had a hemorrhoid. I was like, guys, I got a hemorrhoid. And then everyone was like punishment. I hold his asshole. We've held his ass. Yeah, I took one time I'd had a hemorrhoid

2:39:36I was like guys I got a hemorrhoid and then everyone was like alright show me so I showed him on the show and Then I always like that's not a hemorrhoid I'll show you a hemorrhoid. I was like I see so then obviously overnight I held his ass And it was like the fucking demogorgon From stranger the fucking demogorgon It's been the chains have pulled it inside out He used to have to take pieces of toilet paper and like stuff Whatever you could to stop that from happening? He's had two surgeries. Two anal correctives. Like, yeah. Like, scrape out the shit surgeries, dude. Scrape out the fucking... So what's the issue? I think they come back. I think he's... Do you think he's so feral that he has to get his anal glands expressed like a dog?

2:40:26I think he spends too much time. Like, he's a king. This is the... Oh, yeah. That picture's amazing. Oh, my God. That picture's amazing you're wearing St. James Parish shirt that's my son's the trike-a-thon that's a terrible shirt to be wearing in that photo oh my god bleaching Ari's asshole trailer Ari maybe is leaving the biggest stamp in stand-up comedy, even without being an arena act or anything. Oh, for sure. I mean, as far as affecting people's lives around him. Yep. He's an animal. He's living his life the way he wants to live it, which is like, so, it's the purest definition of success. He wakes up, opens his eyes, and he just does what he wants to do. He'll take off for six months, a year off his podcast. Like podcast like everyone's like you got to get out at the exact same time

2:41:18every week or it's like well i'm not gonna do it i say he's like he's the architect of his own happiness he's created a world that he's like this is what i want to do this is the best version of me this is what makes me happy and that's what i want to do and it really works yeah and the thing is like really cemented him other than this is not happening, the show that he did on Comedy Central, was his special Jew. That fucking special's amazing. Amazing. I was there taping, watching the tape. It's amazing. It's beautiful. He worked so hard on it for so long. It was, like, the one thing that he really concentrated, because he had a very specific subject to write material on, and it was so rock solid, man. And then the whole thing

2:41:53happened with Kobe Bryant. He stopped doing it for a while. I'm like, bro, you gotta bring that back. You gotta so rock solid, man. And then the whole thing happened with Kobe Bryant. He stopped doing it for a while. I'm like, bro, you've got to bring that back. You've got to release that as a special. And then he released that as a special. It's like, oh, guys. Huge numbers, yeah. Yeah. Rock solid. He moved to New York and became an elite-level comedian. He just, yeah, Ari was always good, but then he came to New York, and his stand-up is so fucking, it's so good. Well, I think it also was part of that thing of doing what you want to do and he always wanted to be a New York City Comedian you like even when he lived in LA the idea of living in New York and doing comedy in New York bouncing around

2:42:23That's what he wanted and so that's what he did and now like he's like I want to go to Asia for six months No phone he just abandons his phone You can't get a hold of him and then every now and then I would get like a text message I wonder what's happening with blah blah blah. I'm like, who the fuck is this? And he didn't even tell me who it was. Zari, I'm in Uganda. And then like three text messages later, oh, this is Zari, by the way. Oh, okay. Where are you? I'm in Sarajevo. Look at him. He missed the first Skankfest ever last year and he's coming back this year. Where is he now? He went to Tatooine. Wherever they film Star Wars. Oh yeah, that's right. Tunisia. And he's coming back this year for where is he now he was a tattooing wherever they filmed

2:43:00What the fuck man I'm just having a beer at the cantina on space not only that he'll do this shit by himself like he's an animal Yeah, he's a I'll get lost. I'll figure out where I'm sleeping, guy. I'm a plans guy. Well, I mean, he's not pretending. No. That's the thing. That is who he is. It's a fucking dope way to live your life. Beautiful person, dude. He's getting chubby. See that? He's getting chubby. I saw him a month ago in France, and he's like, I'm fat. Just to let you know, I'm like, don't worry, dude. I'm way fatter than you are. You don't have to worry about that. All right, fellas. Let's bring this bitch home. Skankfest. November 13th or 15th. The greatest comedy festival in the history of the known universe.

2:43:41Thank you. Absolutely. Yeah, where single day passes. Saturday might be sold out at this point, but if you're, especially if you're in the area, come. Get single day passes. Skankfest.com Yeah, I mean. Come for the comedy. Stay for Steve's dick. Yeah. Steve judges a naked roast every year We do a naked roast battle where the comedians are all naked All the judges are naked No phones allowed And it's me, Jason Ellis, who's got a hog That you've never even fucking seen And then like a porn star And me, it sucks dude Well you got balls bro Big ones But I have have to it's been 10 years so it's like once you see me naked it's like there's no more surprises so one year i put ari's home phone number on my back and i would just turn around and flex for the audience

2:44:24i did black dick one year so yeah we got a good one every year i find a new part of you to love yeah we got a lot of really cool stuff it's the 10th year anniversary so and uh yeah it's the last one we're doing in New Orleans for quite some time, so it's going to be a wild one. Well, I always say that I think it's the best festival in comedy. It's the most wild and free, and it just seems, it's in the spirit of just making people laugh. No industry. We don't give any industry passes out. Everyone's there to just have a good time. And it's always sold out. People love it. They look forward to it every year. You guys are killing it. Thank you, Joe. And congratulations on being the newest member. Thank you, man. I appreciate that. All right, let's wrap it up always sold out. It's always sold out. People love it. They look forward to it every year. You guys are killing it. Thank you, Joe. And congratulations on being the newest member.

2:44:56Thank you, man. Thank you, bro. Appreciate that. All right. Let's wrap it up. Bye, buddy. Hi, I'm Tanner, your friend and jeweler at Shane Company. As jewelry consultants, we help customers find their dream engagement ring at their dream price, and we make it as stress-free as possible. We don't work on commission, so there's no pressure. Our all-inclusive free lifetime warranty covers everything and protects your ring for life. If you want something new down the road, trade up for a new style or carat size anytime with our easy trade-up program. Stop by or visit shanko.com to see for yourself. Shane Company, your friend in jeweler.